The Monthly Column: Ye Olde Urban Dictionary

Slang has been around since the advent of language. I imagine, possibly, even before that, Neanderthal kids would grunt and gesture in a way their parents just didn’t understand.

However, since the introduction of the written word, people have attempted—usually poorly— to document the slang that pops up around any formalized language. Why poorly? Well, as we probably all know, slang changes fast—so fast, it guarantees that after the time it takes to catalog, proofread and print it up, it will be largely out-ofdate. It wasn’t until the end of the 20th century, that the internet and (more-or-less) live updates made it feasible to even try and have a moderately up-to-speed slang dictionary (which, at times, can still prove to be exceptionally useless).

With all that said, in more olden times such as, say, the late 18th century, language evolved in a slightly more lethargic fashion than today. Mostly, because aside from no global inter-connectivity, a great majority of people barely traveled beyond their communities at all. However, they still had slang. In fact, I think the English live for utterly ridiculous or clever slang—I don’t think they’d admit it, but I’m convinced they do. So, I’ve culled some examples of "rude" old-time slang from around the 1780s and am presenting them to you, for your consideration.

Be aware that, in those times, you could not even print some of these filthy epithets and folks seldom even discussed matters considered sexual, relating to "toilet functions," or uncouth behavior, in all but the closest (or most drunken) of company. This also made the task of publishing a dictionary of slang a bit diffcult in itself. But, it was done and I’m citing real slang from the time of our forefathers.

Now, for the list:

ACCOUNTS—To vomit. "He settled his accounts... all over the table."

ALL NATIONS—All the leftover drops from the empty bottles at a bar are combined into one jug, thus "all nations." I don’t know if modern places still do anything like this. But, can you imagine how that might taste? There goes lunch...

BACKGAMMON PLAYER—A male homosexual. See also, "USHER OF THE BACK DOOR." That’s almost polite, given some of the slurs one hears today.

BAGPIPE—A lascivious practice too indecent for an explanation. Now, I really want to know.

BURNING SHAME—A lighted candle, stuck into the "private parts" of a woman. I’ve heard of earcandling, but this seems ridiculous.

CALIBOGUS—A rum and spruce beer, an American beverage. Sounds like ‘80s surfer lingo. Also, where can I find this stuff?!

COMFORTABLE IMPORTANCE—A wife. The "signi ficant other" of its time.

DRY BOB—Sex without ejaculation. "I had a dry bob in her."

FACE MAKING—Having kids.

FEAGUE—To feague a horse; to put ginger up a horse’s "fundament," so as to make him lively. Yeah, they mean sticking ginger up a horse’s ass, to make it seem more energetic—usually done before trying to sell the horse.

GIBLETS—Genitals. To "join giblets" sometimes meant a man and woman living together, outside marriage—or, more commonly, to fuck.

HOPKINS—An address to the lame, or limping man, being a pun on the word hop. Damn, they were downright mean to the handicapped back in those days.

IRISH APRICOTS—Potatoes.

JUMBLEGUT LANE—A rough road. In other words, most streets in the NW after any given winter.

KETTLE DRUMS—A woman’s breasts.

LOW TIDE—To have no money in your pocket. "Someone spot Phil a beer, he’s at low tide today."

MILK THE PIGEON—To endeavor at impossibilities. "Ah, he’ll never win anything with that stack of scratch-offs, he’s just milking the pigeon."

NOOZED—To be married or to be hanged. Either one. How jolly the English are...

OUTRUN THE CONSTABLE—To live beyond your means. I thought for sure this one was gonna be a synonym for masturbating.

PEPPERED—Infected with venereal disease. That’s STDs/STIs, for you kids out there.

QUAIL PIPE—A woman’s tongue. "Give your quail pipe a rest, Linda, the manager’s not even here right now."

RANTALLION—One whose scrotum is so relaxed, as to be longer than his penis. I don’t know why this needed a specific term, but here we are.

SLUSH BUCKET—One who eats much greasy food. Lookin’ at you, daily eater at Ye Bell Of Tacoes.

THOROUGH COUGH—To cough and fart at the same moment. Sounds pretty thorough to me.

TIP THE VELVET—To tip the velvet is to put one’s tongue into a woman’s mouth. Presumably, it’s still attached.

UNRIG’D—Undressed or stripped. "This club is a fine place to see many unrig’d women."

WARMING PAN—A Scotch warming pan, that is, a female bedfellow. Beats heated cookware any day.

WHIRLYGIGS—Testicles.

YELP—To make great complaints on trifiing occasions. This is just so perfect, I’m at a loss for additional commentary.

ZAD—Crooked as the letter Z; a description of a very crooked or deformed person. Making fun of cripples must have been a team sport or something, back in those days...

So, there’s the sampler. All these entries were chronicled by Francis Grose, for his book, A Classical Dictionary Of The Vulgar Tongue, and the definitions have been listed with some minor updates, as the language used is rather archaic and can be hard to read, if you’re not expecting it...like when you’re half-drunk and just flipped to this page. If you want to read the full thing, it’s available for free at many sources, including Project Gutenberg. Just search the title and you can’t go wrong.

I think some of these could stand for a comeback, too. Use and abuse the old-time slang in your daily life, won’t you?

Have fun!