Where Does Your Band Fall On The Drug-Use Spectrum?

Despite much evidence to support the contrary, not all rock bands are composed drunken, chain-smoking heroin addicts. Okay, a good portion of them are, especially in the Pacific Northwest in the ‘90s. But, that’s neither here, nor there. The point is, like everything else, it’s a spectrum. Most of you will fall somewhere near the middle, but some of the more obnoxious of you will lie towards the ends. Now, I am in no way saying drug use inhibits or cultivates good music. Frank Zappa made several great records and he just got off on coffee, cigarettes and cynicism. Meanwhile, three of my all-time favorite albums, Sly & Fam’s There’s A Riot Going On, Bowie’s Station To Station and Oasis’s Be Here Now were made while so high on cocaine, that the recording process was hardly recalled by all involved parties. That being said, drug-free bands are just as insufferable as drugged-out bands. Behold, six types of bands on the spectrum!

Hippie Jam Band

These guys will literally take everything under the sun. Those white guys with obnoxiously long dreads and tie-die leggings aren’t just stoners. Guaranteed, they partake in every hallucinogen known to science, along with every possible combination of MDMA. Cocaine and alcohol are just a given at this point. Such an unchecked consumption usually leads to pointless, eight-hour songs consisting of uninspired noodling, an allergic reaction to everyone showing up on time and some weird sense of entitlement when dealing with the venue staff. More than likely unemployed

Crust Punk

Strangely enough, not as much drug use as the hippie jam bands. Honestly, just a lot of beer and cigarettes, with the occasional black tar or white china. Due to lack of funds, the crusts also get creative (smashed up Adderall cut with a food stamp card, when no one can afford coke.) They also usually show up earlier than the jam bands. Prone to heated debates about uninformed politics and always looking for a place to crash. Otherwise, decent company. Indie Alternative Hipster Dance

Blah Blah Blah

Don’t let the button-up shirts and clean haircuts fool you—these guys are gacked out of their mind. If it’s not cocaine, it’s molly, sassafras or something in between. Definitely not as drugged out as the crusts. But, surprisingly more under the influence than those smelly stoner rockers. Weird, right? Despite being in the middle of the spectrum, these guys are probably the most entitled group of the bunch. You’re not Arcade Fire or LCD Soundsystem— get over yourself! But, first...you got any blow?

Stoner Metal

Even with the word "stoner" in their name, these guys are honestly one of the tamer groups on the spectrum. Besides some healthy now-legal cannabis and lots of PBR, your average stoner rock band probably only indulges in the occasional psychedelic trip every now and then. Hell, some of those long-haired, bearded dudes have kids and own houses. Who knew tattoo school would pay off, right? The only real bummer is the smell, which is usually a combination of B.O. and that familiar green aroma.

Underground Hip Hop

Contrary to your favorite karaoke lyrics, these guys do not "sip champagne when (they’re) thirsty." Such folks are millionaires with platinum records. On the local level, you’re really just dealing with Hennessy and blunts. And, honestly, not as much bluntage as the stoner rockers. Have you ever heard of an hour-long rap track, literally about smoking dope? I thought not. If they consider themselves conscious hip hop, then they’re more than likely completely sober. The one exception would be the weird emo rap scene on the east coast, where they mostly just worship at the altar of Xanax, but I’m hoping this fad will fizzle out as quickly as it fizzled in.

Screamo

Speaking of the emo revival (I guess we’re on the fourth wave now), I hope we see more of these bands blossom from suburban white high schools—in all their black-nail-polish-and- swiped-bangs glory. I’m going off of the all-but-dead-mid-‘00s craze, but these cats are probably underage and too scared to try anything too hard. Sure, they get their older sibling to buy booze (and, if they just turned 18, they’ll be smoking constantly), but beyond that, they’re too scared to venture beyond a Whip-It from the porn store. Lack of experience with drugs also leads to a lack of experience in general, which makes such groups probably one of the worst to deal with—unless they’re adults, in which case, why the fuck are they in a screamo band?

Straightedge

No drugs, no alcohol, no sex, no hair...no fun (and, in some cases, no other races) Trust me... if a band says they are clean, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re booking good, clean fun. You could be inviting a mosh pit that quickly turns into a punch-and-stab fest. If the band says they’re Christian, you’re in even more trouble, ‘cause they’re gonna beat you up with the "A-OK" from Jesus. Expect long monologues in between songs about brotherhood, unity and commitment. Also, if you’re so much as seen smoking a cigarette, expect to get whooped on. Great for birthday parties.