Jimmy's Newsletter

Modern Day Miracle? This Woman Found Jesus Christ In Her Facebook Feed

Loving social media is certainly nothing new. But, what if it loved you back? Not romantic love or the love of a friend, but the unconditional love of your lord and savior. Strange, but True-Jesus appeared to this woman in the form of a Facebook post. Check it out!

Wow! Who could be skeptical, in the face of such irrefutable evidence of God’s existence?! You might say, "That’s just one person. She is probably a delusional drug addict." But, dozens of people are coming forward with accounts of posts just like this one! Incredible. Could this be the second coming of Jesus Christ? We can’t say for sure, but it certainly is exciting to think about! Some things just cannot be explained away by science, history or logic. Share if you believe in God and trust that he will answer your prayers while fixing everything, so you don’t have to!

Opinion: Do A Shot With Me, Bro
by Kyle Saamus, Ski Instructor

Just do a shot with me, bro. This is my last night in town for a while and I just want to get a little crazy...for old time’s sake. I know you have to get up in the morning and your girlfriend is hounding you to get back to her, but just do one shot with me, bro. What’s your poison? Remember when we used to order Jágermeister and Rockstars and call them Mick Jágers? I’ll down some Jáger, bro. It’s your call, I know you don’t want to get too wasted on account of your DUII a couple of years back. And, although you’re taking a cab home, you’re still a little shaken from the incident and want to take it easy, regardless. I get that. See! I know you too well, bro! Which is why I know you’re going to regret it if you don’t do this last shot with me. Goldschláger‘s tasty...mudslides... greyhounds...whatever’s clever. I know, I know. The amount of alcohol you consume is affecting your relationship, sex life and you’re constantly experiencing some pretty heavy mood swings. I basically hooked up a microphone in your headboard and I hear all of your bedside conversations. I really care about you, bro! I only do it because I want to help! I want to help you get fucked up and forget about your problems with Kelly and Jamie, and your mixed-up feelings about Stan. It’s cool, bro! Just take this last shot with me, we’ll get outta here, become blood brothers, form a suicide pact, howl at the moon and kiss. Kiss what? Kiss the sky! Low and behold, your old buddy Saamus had a joint and some mushrooms on him this whole time! Who loves you, bro? Who loves you? Your mom doesn’t. She told me. We’ve developed an intimate relationship, and when I’m holding your mother in my arms post-coitus, she really opens up to me. Guess she doesn’t love you. Something about a mistake and wanting a girl. I love you though, bro. It puts a strain on your mother and I’s deep, romantic relationship, but I refuse to give you up. Let’s do this shot, grab some burgers and get the fuck out of here. What do you say? Cheers. Here’s to friendship. To love. To brotherhood. I love you, bro. Pound it.

Breaking Stereotypes: This Male Feminist Is Just Fronting To Get Pussy

This inspiring young man is making a difference in women’s lives—some that haven’t even been born yet. The most amazing part? He does it while leading an exhausting double life. Meet Vince Timbaum, sociopath. He lies about caring for women’s rights and issues, as it suits him in the dating world. Wow! So courageous! He even goes so far as to quote Ani DiFranco lyrics and Gloria Steinem articles, if he thinks it will help get a girl in the sack. Not only does he not care about feminism, he also doesn’t care about any of the women he sleeps with! Incredible! All this time and effort spent, just to ejaculate. Truly remarkable! Talk about destroying stereotypes. Vince just took everything you thought you knew about male feminists, dribbled it the full length of the court, took off from the free throw line to deliver a backboard shattering tomahawk jam and posterized the stupid look on your face with it. Now, we know what you are thinking...a club sandwich with avocado sounds amazing right now. But, you’re also thinking to yourself, wouldn’t Vince eventually get caught? What would happen if the truth were ever discovered? We’ll never know! Because Vince never sticks around in anyone’s life long enough for that to happen! Uh, can you say mic drop? Mind equals blown. The face of feminism is changing every day, so look out world! Share with someone you know that is stuck in the past!