Mommy Knows Worst: Tips On Demurely Showing Up To Your Date With A Bag Of Vibrators

It’s no secret; hookups can be a lot of fun, but they can also be complicated to manage. When you think you are ready for some serious sex and you’ve picked a potential new or repeat partner, do you dance around the sex question, or do you just jump tits-in, with a direct statement of your intent? This, most likely, will be determined by your familiarity with your potential (fingers crossed) sex partner(s).

Once the (re)introductory motions are complete and both partners are on board, there’s the question of what to bring with you on your sexscapades and what to leave at home.

What To Leave At Home

"Big Purple" is just like the Hitachi Magic Wand, but rechargeable, purple, not so loud, packs a little less punch and is a bit smaller. This is the vibrator that you would never take anywhere, because it would be like taking an eight-slot toaster to someone’s house for breakfast—a very aggressive way of pointing out that you don’t think your host can make toast. It’s actually just really rude. Although this isn’t the best hookup vibrator, it’s important to know about, because this will be your favorite vibrator. This is the one you use solo—the one that will never make you cry and the one that only slightly sticks out from underneath your bed.

"Purple Penis" is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a penis with pretend veins made of soft—yet, firm—purple silicone. It’s the one where, when you tried to point out to your hookup that you had been lovingly priming your vagina by abstaining, masturbatory toys and certainly not using anything internally, in order to give him the best experience, he ruined it by countering with information about what women prefer in regards to stimulation and internal vibration. You really just wanted him to appreciate a month’s worth of effort and to see how nice and pristine your vagina was. Instead, he misunderstood your point and explained your own body to you. Dildo vibrators are too much fucking conversation. Plus, this one also provokes size questions. It’s just not worth the buzzkill. Leave it in the car.

"Small Purple" is the one that you should throw away, because it has negative memories attached to it. Maybe this was a favorite of your ex’s or maybe a partner said something about one of your friends. Or, maybe they said something about one of their former partners. Or, worse, those two things were combined. If anything has upset you enough, that you had to take more than ten seconds away from the moment to get your head right by taking the information, boxing it up in your mind and swallowing that chunk of cancer, then you need to toss it. Throw it away. And, fuck you, Small Purple and your stupid feelings. Even when nothing untoward was going on, those strong feelings are not worth ruminating every time you come across this trigger wand and want to orgasm.

Things To Take With You

"Purple Clam" is probably my favorite. It has a remote app where it can be controlled from across the room (or across the country) from almost any phone. Sometimes, it can drop the connection. But, when that happens, it keeps the last strength and mode. This is only for partners that you really trust. This probably isn’t the best vibrator, unless you really know the person.

"Other Purple" is your other favorite, much like Big Purple, but with a little less punch and a lot more mobility. This one fits in your purse and is small enough to wash in the bathroom sink. This one is ladylike as fuck.

"Baby Purple" is the bullet one that doesn’t do much, but it looks cool and the other person likes it when they believe you’re using it in the bathroom at work. You don’t even have to use it or anything. Just keep it in your purse as a tease.

Another really sweet thing you can do for your hookup, is to let him know that you really like him, by letting him eat your pussy. Remember though, this is also the fastest way to a woman’s heart. If you’re okay with a bit of post-hookup blues, then go for it. The post-hookup blues are normal for most, though it doesn’t get talked about a lot—you might have feelings of regret, or worse, you might self-torture yourself for weeks—wondering if you squirted or if it was pee. These feelings can be hard, because it takes a familiarity to fully engage in a successful hookup, where your can truly just have great sex. But, that trust and familiarity with someone also creates a space for feelings, which are often an unintended consequence of a "casual" hookup.

So, if you feel safe and you want to, pack your bags, set up a therapy appointment and enjoy yourself.