Top 5: Conspiracy Theories

I must have mentioned before that I am fucking crazy. But, in case you forgot, here’s a reminder: I am fucking crazy. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing all the time. Sometimes, it can be a real benefit, especially when it comes to figuring out the fuckery that is the government. These dicks just think we are all sheep, am I right? Well, I’m not your sleepy sheepy anymore! So, for all the rest of my woke-as-fuck people, here is my Top 5 that covers my all-time favorite conspiracy theories. Enjoy, my brothers and sisters.

1) The KFC...I Mean, JFK Assassination

This was my very first conspiracy theory. When I was just a young lad, I watched a show about JFK on The History Channel and it was clear as day to me that it was an inside job. The fact that people even considered that some shaky former marine pulled that shit off on his own was insane to me. In fact, I’d even go as far as to say that the cover story was a harder conspiracy to swallow than the truth. And, the truth is, of course, that the CIA killed him, in association with the letter Q...I mean the FBI. Holy shit, I’m high.

2) The Hollow Earth

Now, this one has a few angles you can approach it from. Considering the word count I’m working with here, I’m only going to tell you about one of them. A man named Admiral Byrd led an operation which was officially named "The United States Navy Antarctic Developments Project," unofficially called "Operation Highjump." This expedition happened between 1946 and 1947, and it was fucking huge. We are talking about dozens of carrier-sized ships, hundreds of planes and a metric fuck ton of 1947 dollars. It is steeped in mystery, and since then, basically no one has been allowed to venture more than a few miles into Antarctica. In fact, there is a universally accepted international treaty, banning any country from developing the continent... the whole fucking continent. This treaty has never been challenged and every time it comes up, it is without question recon- firmed. The treaty was just recently reaffirmed in 2016 and has existed since 1959. Admiral Byrd claimed, in his diary, to have entered a hole and gone inside the earth, where he saw amazing and terrifying things. Today he is considered a fucking crackpot. But, in 1946, he was the best of the best our Navy had to offer. In my opinion, I feel his statements and videos are credible, as did the U.S. Navy at the time.

3) Aliens!

Since the 1940s, we have been inundated by alien conspiracies, although, like the hollow earth, I can really only cover the basics here. What people say (and, by people saying, I mean insanely credible whistle-blowers, such as the former Canadian Defense Minister Paul Hellyer), is that the government has covered up the existence of aliens, so that they can control the world, through access to superior technology. This includes time travel, cloning, faster-than-light travel, parallel universes, etc. People like me have spent most of their lives waiting for what we term "disclosure." This, oddly enough, is actually happening now, with the Pentagon admitting they spent millions of dollars investigating UFOs and releasing gun camera footage from an Air Force plane, showing them intercepting a legit UFO (or UAV, depending on how you want to say it). There is an overwhelming amount of evidence that, even prior to this admission, makes this one of the most widely accepted conspiracies in the world, with more than half of the U.S. population believing in aliens visiting the earth.

4) The Illuminati

A man named Johann Adam Weishaupt founded the real Illuminati on May 1st, 1776. He was a German philosopher and formed the secret society in the Electorate Of Bavaria. He took the name "Brother Spartacus" in the order. Historians believe that other secret societies, such as the Knights Templar, Freemasons and Rosicrucians are all a part of the modern Illuminati. Conspiracy theorists believe The Illuminati is more of an umbrella term, used to describe the hidden hand that has guided human history. The Rothschilds’ role in modern banking and political development does very little to discourage this idea and a lot of people who mention the order are certainly talking about the Rothschilds (and not literally The Illuminati which officially disbanded in 1785).

5) The Flat Earth "Theory"

It occurred to me that so far this article hasn’t been particularly funny. To remedy this dire situation, I thought I’d round out this list with B.o.B’s favorite conspiracy...flat ass, mothafuckin’ Earth. I’m not going to give you facts about this one, because, let’s face it, there aren’t any. There are, however, a smidgen of vaguely compelling bullet points. First, they all claim you can’t see the curvature of Earth from an airplane. I recently flew to Las Vegas, and trust ya boy, I saw the fuckin’ curve. Secondly, they think that Antarctica is the edge... like, it’s a wall. And, that wall is magnetic south. Which would make magnetic north the center or...north pole. Some of these folks also think that there may be an infinite number of adjacent flat, Earth planet things, which ties up nicely to the parallel universe thing—bonus points for creativity. The real problem here is how fucking convincing their You- Tube videos are. So, just don’t look this one up, okay? I don’t want to lose any of my loyal readers to that shit show. The thing I want to impart here, is we are told to believe certain things and discouraged to believe others. Hell, even I discouraged believing in a thing in this article. We have, as a culture, controlled our perceptive reality with ridicule. Just last year, everyone who believed in aliens was considered at least wrong by mainstream culture. Turns out, we’ve been right all along, and for whatever reason, it’s time for them to talk about it. Intelligence and curiosity are no longer considered useful, and that is a very bad thing for civilization. Question everything is the way of the samurai. Be a fuckin’ samurai.