The Monthly Column: Kids Shows Teach Awful Lessons

Children’s programming—even the educational stuff—has a nasty habit of teaching kids terrible lessons. I’m not talking about the factual lessons, like spelling and basic arithmetic, á la Sesame Street. I mean, media that tries to instill values, to moralize or to inspire confidence in the young ones, based on false pretenses. Instead of painting a picture of life as it is, the writers of pre-teen entertainment paint a picture of life as they feel it should be—and, there’s definitely a disconnect from reality there. I’m not saying kids have to be told that the world’s going to shit all over them from day one. But, I am saying that telling them explicitly that it won’t, is perhaps just a tad misleading. With that said, I’ve got some great examples of Terrible Lessons™.

Be Yourself

Are you kidding me? This is probably the first thing anyone unlearns, as soon as they hit school or any other social environment. Many peoples’ most horrible memories of childhood, probably revolve around early school experiences—and, for good reason. Children are mercurial, antagonistic and directly critical. You’ll know very quickly, what the status quo is, as well as what is (and, is not) acceptable in this tribal culture. This phenomenon continues throughout your school career and into the real world. So, yes, if you want to get picked on at school, fired from jobs and ostracized by your peer group, then by all means, be yourself. A better lesson might be, "Be yourself, only when it doesn’t matter who you are."

Your Honesty Will Be Rewarded

Sadly, no—the old lady never gives you a priceless antique for finding her dead husband’s lost war medals. The rich guy doesn’t give it to you anyway, when you give him back a wad of money he dropped. The bank doesn’t let you keep funds that showed up in your account by their mistake, if you tell them. And, the boss won’t hand out a promotion, for admitting it was you who committed that anonymous fuck-up. In fact, off the top of my head, I can think of a solid dozen instances wherein it did NOT benefit the honest, and probably that many more, where being deceitful has proven advantageous. Hell, the Trojan War was won by the Greeks crafting an elaborate deception, in order to murder the fucking Trojans. Most of the time, you will not only go unrewarded—but, you will most likely be punished for your verity.

Violence Is Never The Answer

In the real world, violence is often the answer. Is it the best answer? No, not always. But, to say it’s never the answer is patently absurd, when the entirety of human civilization and progress rests on the shoulders of war and conquest. That said, you can understand why they push this pretty hard in child-oriented entertainment. Kids don’t know shit about shit, and telling them that violence solves problems will inevitably lead to them applying it when it doesn’t. However, trying to shield people from reality for their own good never works well and it’d be better to merely frame it in context. Why’d Spongebob sock Mr. Krabs in the dick? Well...he had shit coming. That’s right, kids. He. Had. Shit. Coming.

Bad Guys Are Dumb, Ugly, Mean And Crazy

In real life, not only is the notion of "bad guy" rather subjective since life isn’t black-and- white, but even people near-universally regarded as "bad," aren’t usually hideous-looking, comically inept fools. Let’s use Josef Stalin as an example: he was charismatic, cunning and competent. While he was about as close as one gets to a real-life Cobra Commander (actually, that’s probably Saddam Hussein) and certainly just as megalomaniacal, he was by no means a bumbling idiot, nor did he have a terribly grotesque appearance. Same with serial killer Ted Bundy, who was extremely sharp-minded and thought of as a charming, handsome person...in fact, this was how he got close to many of his victims. Kids Can Fight Adults And Win Hahaha...no. No. Just no. Contrary to what Home Alone and similar entertainment might lead you to believe, kid, you are not only physically outclassed by most adults, but mentally outclassed as well. If someone wants you got, they’re going to get you, unless you run—and, run fast. I’m sure it’s confidence-inspiring, to see "kid power" scenarios played out for your amusement. But, in the real world, children are just so much tender meat. The big negatory also goes to the old rambunctious-youth-defeat-stodgy-totalitarians trope, wherein the hip kids conquer a seemingly rule-crazy adult institution by breaking all those rules and showing their masters that life is fun in the end—a delightful fantasy, but we call adults who try that sort of thing "inmates." Life is not fun in the end.

The Power Of Heart Is Useful

Sorry, Ma-Ti, your power is worthless. Oh, you can use your magic ring to make colobus monkeys buttfuck each other? Great. How about by the time they get to you, after all the decent powers have been tried, just shut your hole and skip to summoning Captain Planet, okay? The writers probably had to do twice the normal amount of drugs when they needed to figure out how to work that garbage into an episode.

There you go. A fat sack of horrible things kids learn, as a byproduct of the crap they view. Suddenly, I’m finding myself wishing there was a cartoon for kids, where the bad guy is a smiling man in a nice suit, who encourages them to apply for a credit card and "just skip" reading the fine print (or, a polite, matronly woman who constantly encourages people to "think of the children," while advocating that individuals be dis-empowered in favor of authoritarianism).

Enjoy life.