Nine Ways The Portland Dating And Music Scenes Are Exactly The Same

1) The Deliciously Polyamorous Nature

When I first moved to Portland, I thought this was kind of cool. The drummer of one band I saw one night was running the sound board for a different band another night, and the next night, I saw him playing guitar, singing and fronting his own group. No musician here is restrained to simply one musical project. After dating around here and noticing a sort of "reputation" this city has outside its limits, I realized that a sexually exclusive relationship between two people is equally rare. Just get on Tinder and look how many people use the term "poly" to describe themselves. Ever hear of Incestuous Southeast? It’s a thing—trust me. There’s nothing wrong with this, but it is what it is and I wonder if it’s something in the water. Be you a musician or someone single, expect to be a free-floating electron among various atoms who "don’t like labels." I will say that this behavior seems to stem from individuals—sexually or musically motivated—constantly wanting to "do their own thing." But, we all like jamming and having sex, so you’ll go home with someone you met at Soul Stew or Goodfoot and jump on rhythm guitar for a band, for a few months, and continue to do so, just to "feel it out," while you "keep your options open."

2) The Not-So-Delicious Lack Of Commitment

This pretty much ties directly in with the last one. Everyone’s playing in at least three bands and they are probably balancing two or three lovers (and, if you’re lucky, a "main squeeze"). But, expect no commitment or long-term goals. I’m not old-fashioned— I’m not saying every time you fuck or rock out with someone, you’re bound to explain where you see yourself in five years. But, the glaring lack of commitment is an interesting parallel between these two seductive worlds. This could be something outside of Portland, but it sure as shit is amplified here. Rarely do I see groups of young kids together playing music, with plans to "go somewhere." Granted, they probably won’t—but, that desire and fire is all but absent here. Everyone just pretends like they couldn’t care less either way, if something becomes of it. Remind you of something? Oh, yeah, that dude you’ve been sleeping with for a month now, who "doesn’t have any expectations" and just wants to "see where things go." But, band practice is fun and you guys get along, so you’ll keep jamming.

3) They’re Both Fucking Saturated

This is Portland in general, but you definitely start to feel crowded with all the bands and single people "looking" in this city, if that is what you came here to do. Maybe this is why nobody is in a band full-time. There are so many to choose from and they all sound kind of good, but you don’t wanna waste a couple years of your twenties with what turns out to be a dud. Plus, you just get overwhelmed. You go to a bar and everyone just starts hitting on you...I mean, asks if you’re playing anywhere soon...I mean, asks how that last person you slept with a few times a month ago is doing...I mean, asks if you need a bassist. drummer or any of the above...I mean, avoids eye contact, because apparently you were that bad in bed. Man, maybe there is something in the water.

4) Each Are Densely Populated By Softboys And Drama Queens

Yes, there are male drama queens, too. I’m not being un-woke here—I just thought I’d lean on both sexes, for the more frequent annoying things they do. Thanks to Run The Jewels bringing the term "fuckboy" into the national spotlight, these bastards have mostly disappeared from the more-educated dating circles. I mean, they can literally be spotted from great distances. Look for flat bill baseball caps. However, boys are still trying to get laid and that will never stop. Most fuckboys have now been called out and eliminated, but a few wiser ones have resurfaced as softboys. If you don’t know what a softboy is, look it up—basically, an emotionally manipulative, pretend nice guy. You will find a metric fuck ton of these in the music scene here, as well. It’s even easier for these guys when in a band, as they don’t even have to approach you—they can lure you in with their moving lyrics that speak to you, even though they’re basically a cherry-picked mishmash of Elliott Smith and Conor Oberst. On that note, I must here quote a dear friend’s song and a warning to all the single peeps out there. "Friends don’t let friends date Elliott Smith fans." As for drama queens, I feel like that stereotype goes without saying in the music industry in general, but the dating circles here seem to sport one too many. How many endless, drunken conversations have you listened to, in Incestuous Southeast, that could (and, should) be ended with "She’s just not interested in you!" or "He just wanted to have sex with you!" (or, something like that)? Several, I’m assuming. This is also true outside of Portland. I mean, we’re all only human—we always want to make it about us.

5) Also Alarmingly Populated By Creeps

This is another one that isn’t really Portland-specific, but goddamn if it isn’t prevalent. I don’t need to go into how many creeps lurk around the dance clubs, meat markets and even punk shows in this town. A stroll through any dating app will yield the same results. Even if the guy seems nice at first and says the right things, you’ll see those red flags soon enough. There is a particularly interesting creep factor in the music scene as well, and yes, this is separate from the softboys. Someone put it so eloquently, that I’ll just have to rip them off without giving credit. And, I don’t feel bad because they probably wouldn’t read this magazine. " ‘We should jam sometime’ is the musical equivalent of ‘Netflix and Chill.’" Ladies, be warned.

6) Tattoos And Beards

This isn’t really bad or good—it’s just a fact. You are going to come across a lot of tattoos and beards in the music scene here, and almost definitely in the dating scene. This is just an element of Portland that permeates everything. There is nothing inherently wrong with this. But, it can be a little obnoxious, if you want some variety. If you find horn-rimmed glasses to be a turn-off, you should seriously get the fuck out...but, that’s neither here nor there. If I do have an issue with the abundance of tattoos and beards in this city’s two scenes, it’s because these things are used as a standard of worthiness. If you enter the dating scene here without any tattoos, expect to be swiped left on. God forbid you’re in a metal band without a single bearded member, either. Expect a flurry of disapproving glares from all the "true" metalheads in the audience. Lumbersexuality is in like sin in this city.

7) You Find Yourself Going Solo More Often Than You Thought You Would

Insert masturbation joke here. I almost want to throw away my acoustic guitar, because Portland—and, for that matter the world— doesn’t need another singer-songwriter whose only instrumentation is an acoustic guitar. However, I understand why so many musicians resort to this, ‘cause it really does get tiring wrangling people’s schedules and sparking motivation to get a group together. At a certain point, it’s not worth the effort and time off work, and you just say, "Fuck it, I can lug a hollow piece of wood around and hope these songs will stand out on their own." More than likely, they won’t. The dating scene can be equally frustrating, with unanswered texts, canceled plans, vague intentions and broken promises leading many to—and, this circles back around to my first point—"do their own thing." It’s easier, but ultimately less fulfilling. Playing with others is always more fun than playing with yourself. Part of it could genuinely be a desire to express one’s self more authentically, not stifled by the suffocating constraints of the other members of your band—I mean, significant others. However, I can’t help when I see the singer and main songwriter of a group playing a solo acoustic show when I know the band is still together and thinking, "Well...the rest of the cats probably couldn’t get work off." The struggle is real.

8) If You Make It Last Longer Than Three Years, You’re In The Minority

Like, for reals. And, I don’t think this is a sign of anything toxic or wrong with this—it’s just that we don’t want to waste our time. It is worth noting that in this city, the first sign of everything not going perfect, we jump ship. I get not wanting to chug away at a passion project for ten years, only to look up and realize you’re still playing the same fucking dive bars to the same four friends (we still love you, thanks for coming to the show) and pack it in, after wasting your twenties with a band whose greatest achievement is getting on Spotify. From that point, your options are to either start another doomed project in your thirties or to climb the corporate ladder in the service industry. And, by that I mean, land a bartending job and just stash away that tip money. Just change a few words and you see the parallels of a doomed relationship. So, I get it, but damn. I’ll see a band— they’re good. They hustle some house parties and maybe land a gig at Doug Fir or Mississippi Studios. But, if they don’t see a record contract on the horizon in less than a year, they vanish in a flash—quick to regroup with a different name or start another band with a trendy name, before they run out of twenties to spend. This mentality seems to be the norm in the dating world, as well. It was cemented when I heard someone say concerning the end of a relationship, "Three years? That’s a long time, though." Holy crap, is it really? Man, maybe I am old-fashioned. However, there might be something to be said for this rapid-fire technique. Why waste time on something that you know isn’t going to work?

9) It’s A Contest To See Who Can Care The Least

Perhaps the most frustrating parallel—and, another irritating little quirk about this city in general—is that it seems like everyone is trying to out-not-care each other. I’ve already written about this extensively, in previous pieces, about how the main thing that aggravates me about the music scene here (with a few wonderful exceptions, of course) is the passive-aggressive, standing-still-contest that I encounter at almost every live music show. Now, I’m not saying every musical act needs to be jumping around like it’s the end of the fucking world. But, it seems that—not just in performance, but also in general enthusiasm for the whole thing—the music peeps here try their damndest to seem like it’s all just a tall glass of "whatever" to them. I get that nobody wants to get their hopes up in this saturated dating—I mean, music— scene, but it seems like the widespread defensive backlash is just to pretend like everyone’s not to worried about what happens either way. I completely agree that the compulsive networker—I mean, desperate single guy...I mean, over-excited guitarist looking to start a group with his awesome, original songs—can get obnoxious. Like, calm down, dude. Stop being so obvious. However, Portland seems to swing all the way to the other end of the spectrum, where if you let someone think you actually like them—I mean, actually like playing music—you’re not in the cool kids’ club. Jesus, Portlandians, it’s okay to be excited about someone who likes you and wants to fuck you...I mean, playing music with people you like, for people you like.