Dating A Stripper

Besides coming up with clever titles for articles, another thing I do well is learn from relationships— past and present. My past relationships taught me that I’m not very patient, but my current relationship has taught me how to be patient and so many other things that we’re gonna jump into.

Here’s a little bit of background for you. So, we’re an interracial couple. I’m a black comedian and she’s gluten-intolerant. We’re also poly, which means I sleep with other women. And, she’s bisexual, which means she sleeps with way more women. These were all the things I knew and grew to love about us, over the past year that we’ve been together. But, one thing that has drastically changed in our relationship is that she is now a fully independent woman. I guess she always was, but when we first started dating, she was married and didn’t really work. Now, she’s divorced and lives in a dope studio apartment in downtown Portland. Those places don’t come cheap, so she recently became a stripper to cover the rent and bills.

That’s right, y’all! I’m dating a stripper!!! How cool am I?! I get lap dances whenever I want! I can have sex with a stripper whenever I want. And, I’m the coolest dude in the strip club, because I’m dating a freaking stripper, right?! Right?!

Wrong. So, so wrong.

Every job comes with its set of benefits and drawbacks, and in our time living together, I’ve experienced all of that, along with her. First of all, if you for any reason think being a stripper is easy, know that I think a little less of you now. Not many people work harder than my girlfriend. The amount of laundry that she has to do every couple of days makes me think that she could hold office and get this country back on track. I often will come home to find my girl on the floor stretching, hours before her shift, because she knows she’s about to be bent, twisted and spun around—like Cirque du Soleil decided to take their show in a different direction.

Most of her shifts are about six-to-eight hours long, assuming she doesn’t work a double. This means, when I kiss her goodbye on Monday after noon, I ain’t kissing her again ‘til Tuesday morning, most likely. Have sex with a stripper whenever I want?! We live together and I never get to see her. And, I’m a comedian, so we’re both out there hustling at night—only she’s working for money, while I’m working for free drinks and maybe a ride home after the show.

One major benefit to living with a stripper is that, chances are, she’s got at least a dollar on her at any given time. In a PayPal, credit-or-debit, Venmo, just-direct-deposit-that-Bro kind of world, she has one of the last professions that’s handled exclusively with cash. Often, we’re out eating and I’m grabbing for my card, but she’s already hitting the server with her stacks. As a side note to servers, please make sure you wash your hands often after handling cash, because you don’t know where it’s been. I know where it’s been, and while it’s a fun place, I’m sure the family next to us won’t appreciate that on their scrambled eggs.

I’m sure there are a few dudes out there who think dating a stripper means going to the strip club, for free, as often as you want. Let me tell ya, they don’t even want your money, fam. No responsible bar owner—let alone strip club owner—wants his staff distracted by their significant other on the job. Also, not all strippers date winners like me. Unfortunately, many of them date really crappy dudes, who shouldn’t be in that environment freely. So, if I come through, other dancers will see that and be like, "Why can’t my boyrfriend come hang out?" And, the manager will be like, "Because he has less teeth than my one-year-old son and tries to bring his own beer in, Amanda, uh, excuse me, ‘Twilight Chocolate’."

While we’re on the subject of fake names, chances are your stripper girlfriend has one. She doesn’t use her real name for a reason. Mainly, because men are sometimes hella creepy and will slide into a stripper’s inbox on Facebook and Twitter, like the goo from Ghostbusters 2. Be careful to never shout out her real name around her work friends, and if she has an Instagram for her fake name, don’t use her real name when you comment on her stuff. That should be obvious, but sadly, it’s not.

Finally—and, this is super important— if you ever find yourself living with (or, just in a relationship with a stripper), understand that other people will see her naked. I know. Crazy, right? I mention this, because men (and, really, people in general) tend to get jealous, possessive and super salty when they know their partner is desired by others. When you’re with a stripper, it’s literally her friggin’ job to be desired by others. If she ain’t being desired, maybe she needs to get into another profession, like auto insurance. My situation is slightly easier, because we are polyamorous. So, we both know that we’re not only messing with each other. But, for many others, the idea of dudes drooling over your girl can be a lot to handle. Know that, at the end of the night or possibly early morning, she’s coming home to you because you’re the person she chose. Those other dudes seeing her naked were chosen by no one that particular night and are now paying a cover to get into a building that may or may not have been a Denny’s at some point. When you see your lady naked, it’s definitely not at a Denny’s—well, hopefully it isn’t. Times are different and money is tight.

We all gotta grind a bit harder these days to stay ahead. The kind of grind my girlfriend does isn’t exactly the type of grinding that I had in mind for her, but she’s financially stable most of the time, confident in her own skin, really enjoys what she does and is truly happy—which makes me happy. It’s tough, not getting to see her as much now, but relationships are all about making it work, and I think this works for us. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna make it rain on my girlfriend’s ass, while listening to Flo Rida. Just kidding...I’m gonna watch half a Jessica Jones episode, then go to bed. I can’t stay up this late. What do I look like, a stripper?