Green Room Diaries: How To Get High At Concerts

I just snagged tickets for Ween, Jack White and my friend’s wedding. If you think that any of these will be partaken in with a clear head, you’re sorely mistaken. But, long gone are the days of passing around joints at the Roseland or even ducking down to hit a pipe during an outdoor festival. Concert security is underpaid and doesn’t have any reason to test the waters of policing mosh pits or topless women, so, it only makes sense that they go after us pot smokers first. How, then, do you, the paying customer, enjoy a live performance without getting harassed? Well, let’s explore the various options...

Vape Pens

By far the easiest, quickest and most portable option for smoking-on-the-go. Although vape pens can be a blessing, they can be equally cursed. Yes, you can get away with puffing on one in a restroom or an alley with almost zero risk of reaction due to odor or visible smoke. But, the batteries need to be charged, you’ve gotta make sure you know what you’re inhaling (in terms of THC content) and the tank needs to be clean. I mean, when’s the last time you had to charge your lighter? How often does one puff of weed translate into a potential weekend of immobility? If your pipe clogs, you can just dig out the gunk with a safety pen. With a vape pen, it’s either bye bye cartridge, or dabs all over your hands. Still, any e-cig-filled smoking patio will give vape pen users virtual free reign to blaze up. I prefer the disposable cartridges, making sure that they fit the cheap batteries I use for my legal-as-fuck nicotine pin. That way, if concert security rolls up and snatches it, I can replace the parts easily. If you’ve got the extra scratch, buy two of the half-gram cartridges, instead of one full gram, even though this will cost a little more, in terms of dollar-to-dab value. For one, the half-gram tanks are less likely to burn out before running empty. Secondly, as mentioned above, if an asshole security guard steals one from you, you have another one to replace it with. I recently discovered (and, now swear by) Windberry Farms cartridges and, as with any product mentioned in this column, they have neither compensated me for, nor asked me for, a mention in this column—they’re just that good.

Medibles

Although you’d think these would be a no-brainer—as they are usually odorless and extremely easy to conceal—it’s actually really fucking hard to sneak outside food into damn near any venue that serves their own snacks. You’re not gonna convince the lady working the door at the Phish show that your pile of individually- wrapped brownies are for diabetes control. Further, if the guy patting you down asks you to throw away the five or six gummy bears in your pocket, any form of protest will tip them off to your being a weed user (and, yes, I’ve been ejected from shows for this). So, it’s always best to find a slow-activation variety of edible cannabis product to enjoy before attending whatever event you want to enjoy while baked. For me, Dr. Jolly’s peanut butter cups have done the trick quite well. I don’t know why peanut butter metabolizes slower than, say, cookies or boring-ass chocolate bars, but it does. Plus, they’re wrapped in cute little boxes with a ribbon, so, there’s that. Again, I’m not sponsored—I’m just hoping to get a box of free shit at some point (PO Box 261 Salem, OR 97302).

FECO (Full Extract Cannabis Oil)

My grower friend gave me, like, a tiny little drop of this shit and I put it on my gum, like I was testing cocaine in one of those undercover-drug-sting television shows. Thirty minutes later, I’m laying on my bed, laughing to myself about a Coolio song I’d just remembered was in a kid’s movie. Basically, FECO is extracts of the entire goddamn plant, so it’s got all the THC and CBD you could want. Indica? Sativa? Nah, try Whole Goddamn Plantica. This stuff is super easy to conceal and, unlike hash oil, you can eat it and get high (a smaller amount, even). The downside? There is such thing as "too much." I’m a daily (hourly) smoker, but this stuff made me feel like I was behind the middle school again—wondering if the janitor "knew" and whether or not he was gonna call the feds. Plus, it kind of looks like heroin and it turns your fingers green.

Slim Spliffs (Pinner Joints Inside Cigarettes)

This is pretty white trash, but hey, I don’t mind my culture being appropriated. So, what you do, is roll super thin joints of really, really potent weed (it has to be top shelf, because you want a little bit to go a long way). These joints, if smoked on their own, would be about two or three bong hits at best. But, when stuffed into the center of a cigarette that has been loosened up (American Spirits won’t work), you can theoretically bring twenty of them into the smoker-friendly venue of your choice. It takes more work than just buying an oil pen or some candies, but it’s as close to the real thing (i.e. smoking weed) as you’re gonna get at a Willy Nelson concert these days. The best part? Cigarette smokers have been shamed into leper status, so much that a dense cloud of tobacco will no doubt hover over whatever smoking section you’re sharing with them. Unless you’re smoking really top-shelf shit, no one will smell your crime. If you want to be really sleazy, light it up next to that group of not-so-covert concertgoers who are openly blazing on pipes or full-on joints; if (and when) security comes to investigate, you’re holding a Pall Mall and they’re holding a blunt. Problem solved.