Jonas Does Portland

Back in February of 2017, I hit a point in my life where I was done. I was done looking the way I did, feeling the way I felt and really done feeling sorry for myself. What I did, was scale back and take a look at myself, and the world I had created. That was 34 years of life coming to a head in one morning when I woke up. I opened my eyes and said "Fuck this, man. I’m already out of breath and I guarantee this is gonna be a terrible shit. No more of this."

And, with that, I went and joined a gym. I bought the whole year at once, so I knew it was paid for and I could just go when I wanted. I started slowly cutting things out of my diet (processed bullshit and sugar, mostly), went sober (more on that later) and started doing some real mental cleansing, too. I was holding onto a metric fuck ton of old, demonic, toxic weight that needed to be removed from my soul, before any real change was going to happen—I just didn’t know it yet. So, why am I telling you all this in my monthly column? Glad you asked, loyal readers! There are a couple reasons, if I’m being honest. I care about people (especially people who like my stuff), plus it’s getting close to summer, so we’re all looking to tone up and HOLY SHIT, DID IT MAKE SEX BETTER!

One of the first things I tackled was my mental health. My head is a sarcophagus of fucked-up thoughts and disgusting shit, but those are my good qualities. I had to get rid of the ones that were hurting me. So, I did that by meditation, therapy, removing toxic activities and people from my life, and taking a new inventory of everything. If something was hurting me, even if it was hard to do it, I had to remove it. Toxicity has a weird way of sticking to your soul and sucking it dry—it takes many forms. Removing (or, at the very least, limiting) those things is paramount to your success.

Once I did that, I could really tackle the physical aspects. I started eliminating things from my diet that I knew I was addicted to, like processed sugars and chemicals. I tried eating as clean as possible. I used to actually be an athlete, so I know a lot of how this works—I just liked cheeseburgers, so I didn’t put any of it into play in my life. Whoops!

So, I changed the diet and the mental parts. Now, we come to the physical part, which is really fucking hard in the beginning. I started light and worked my way up, which is what you’re supposed to do. I started walking to and from the gym (a mile each way) and doing a lot of cardio, with light weight lifting in the beginning. That quickly became "not enough," so I took on kickboxing and power-lifting. That’s pretty much been my go to ever since—highly recommended, if you are looking for a workout routine.

If you’ve read my previous articles (and I hope you have), you may remember one I did about dick pills. In fact, that was my most popular one. At the time of that publication, the ol’ cock was doing just fine. Shortly thereafter, I started to see a dip in the performance area. I’d later find out that it was both mental and physical. Once I started getting my confidence back with that mental detox, I started "performing" better than before (I’m happy to report that everything is working fantastic as of this writing, by the way). So, once I got into the physical transformation, so many things started to change that it blew my mind. Obvious things, like body shrinking, fat loss, muscle definition started happening, but everything changed. People looked at me differently. I could buy clothes off the rack, I got more respect from people, I actually looked forward to working out and processed food started to taste really shitty. It was a weird thing, because I had never been in this situation in my life. Holy shit, I could go to the store and buy an off-the-rack shirt without any worry. This was HUGE for me.

Then, when it came to sex...oh my god, was it better. I’d been fucking even at my fattest, but I’d gotten cramps and would sweat like a sumo wrestler in a sauna. It was fine, but obviously, I was limited in what I could do. Honestly, even jerking off was better. My dick was harder, and all of a sudden, I came like a pornstar. I know, because I almost shot myself in the face once. That’s a terrifying moment in a man’s life—lying on his back, jerking off and seeing a load shoot directly at his face when he finishes. It slows down, like The Matrix, and all of your past, even-accidental homophobia flashes before your eyes. But, I digress...I’m saying that sex went from "fine" to "Holy shit, this is what I’ve been missing all these years!" I’ve now got a bone to pick with every doctor I’ve ever had. If they’d have told me that this is what I was missing out on (instead of going on and on about shit that didn’t scare me, like "hypertension" and "sleep apnea"), I’d have immediately left my physical exam and eaten a salad. Instead, they just cupped my balls while I coughed, told me my blood pressure was high and sent me on my way. So much lost time, you assholes! Point being, it all changed for the better.

As of this writing, I’ve lost over 120 pounds and I have about 60 more to go. Tackling my health, mentally and physically, was one of my best decisions, and ultimately, it saved my life. So, I’m urging all of you—if you’re struggling with your weight and the issues that come along with it, make the change. You’ll never look back. Start walking, Portland is great for that. NYC is a natural concrete gym and Portland is much the same. Walk when you can, get rid of the soda, drink a fuck ton of water every day and make those changes. If something is hurting you, remove it or change it.

I love you all. See you next month.