Mommy Knows Worst: The Eleven People You Should Cheat On Your Boyfriend With

While committed relationships are still society’s norm, it is also fair to say that, while in your committed relationship, you should have an understood "free pass," that would allow you to have sex with another person for "free." Like a freebie. For example, let’s say you’re downtown and Magic Mike XL wants to bed you—you should be able to sleep with him if you want to, because, for one, he’s a fictional character and this makes sense and two, because it would be really nice to have sex with this guy... or maybe not even sex, but maybe do things that might be considered cheating in your relationship. So, here’s my list of people you should have an if-the-situation- should-arrive conversation about ahead of time.

1) Famous Celebrity— Of course, this goes without saying.

2) Non-Typical-Partner Partner— So, if your regular sex partners are men, this is your chance to change it up and hook up with a woman or a non-binary person. This isn’t to say you are hooking up with them to check off a bucket list, but it’s just that you have that freedom of having a mutual experience with another person, who is down for an encounter.

3) Doctor— Like everyone else, I’m always watching doctor porn. Doctor porn is my go-to. I say yes, partially because you know you don’t need to talk about safer sex, and you don’t need to fake that you didn’t have your tubes tied. Plus, you know they will wash their hands like a surgeon, before they touch your vagina.

4) Local Radio Celebrity— You’ve been through thick and thin with some of these folks. You know when they are sick, when they are having a baby, when their dogs died, etc. Just like you went through your two divorces and the birth of your children. You know them, even if they don’t know you. But, in this case, you should totally sleep with them.

5) Paramedic/Firefighter— Have you ever woken up, hungover, and had a guy offer you an IV bag to make you feel better? This really is the best and you should have this opportunity. Or, with a fire- fighter...hello, mister man who can throw you over their shoulder and carry you on a ladder. I don’t care who you are, this would be awesome.

6) Hot Old Guy— This is the guy who has never been creepy with you, but he is very attractive. You can tell just by looking at him that, back in his day, he was pulling some major trim.

7) Someone With A Costco Card— YES, do this. Then you can get a new jacket and a Costco cake—those are so good.

8) Safeway Guy— You know, the guy who looks at you adoringly and always gives you extra Monopoly tickets. Maybe it’s more of a courtesy that you might let him take you home, because it was his extra tickets that got you the soft bakery cookies. But really, you practically owe it to him.

9) Stand-Up Comic— I had to put this in here. Let me tell you, it’s not as nearly as glamorous as it seems. Comics are the same as musicians and comics—we’re mostly a sad bunch. However, sex will be good, but not as funny as you might think.

10) Musicians— Meh, these dudes are the same as comics. Like, it might be cool to say you’ve been with one, but your night will be spent talking about their new album, the money they need to make their next album or all the women they’ve banged. So, proceed with caution.

11) Strip Club DJ— Just kidding. NEVER sleep with anyone who works as a strip club DJ. They are delusional. Because they see pretty women all day, they feel like they can actually date equally attractive women—as if said women have lost their own street value. You can’t win this. DO NOT PASS GO. They have an inflated sense of self-worth. Like, there are times in your life when you like someone who doesn’t like you back. And, that’s cool, because maybe they are a doctor, yoga instructor or professional snuggler—then, you can wrap your brain around why he’s not interested. But, it will fuck with your head, when a strip club DJ with no car and four kids that he never sees doesn’t want you in return. Figuring out why you are being rejected by this guy? No, no, no.