Top 5: Things That Really Grind My Gears

We now live in a culture that is evolving very quickly—maybe too quickly, maybe just the right speed—I am not the boss of that. What I am the boss of, is how hard it is for me to keep up. I remember thinking, when I was a teen and young adult, about how stupid and slow the older generation were. Now that I am becoming that generation, I am realizing that I am the same grumpy old fuck, who I always hated so much as a kid. The really odd thing is, I don’t feel like a different person than I was then—I just know that I am. So, here are the Top 5 things that have changed in our culture, specifically those that annoy the ever-loving fuck out of me.

1) Everything Is An Uber Now

We have Uber for rides, Uber for food and it won’t be long before we have Uber for weed (there are already weed delivery services— just not Uber-branded). Would that be called W-Uber? I’m a fucking genius. Anyway, my point here, is that we cannot continue this trend of making everyone a fucking contractor. Do you want fucked-up taxes? Because that’s how you get fucked-up taxes. First of all, we shouldn’t all need to have 14 fucking jobs. That’s nuts, and to be honest, the minimum wage increases are slow and not helping a lot of people. We must unite, by not doing this stupid Uber everything trend, together.

2) We Get It, You Smoke Weed

Okay, so weed is legal—what now? Well, maybe you shut the fuck up about it already. How about that? Seriously, though, I was this person at one time in my life. My entire identity was weed—sold weed, I smoked weed, I even started a company extracting weed into dabs (because, pure weed is better than any weed ever). How many times can I say "weed" in this paragraph? A fuck load is how many. What I would like to see here, are more people acting like weed isn’t the only thing that exists in the world. I love it as much as you do—I promise, I do...maybe even more. The time has come, however, to move on to a new hobby, where you won’t annoy me so much that I want to stab your eyes out.

3) It’s Currently Financially Irresponsible To Shop In Stores

Holy shit, when did Walmart become more expensive than Amazon? Seriously, this is completely out of hand. I’ve been poor a long time, and oddly enough, that used to mean I didn’t shop for shit online, because I couldn’t afford the extra cash for shipping. Amazon Prime changed that, with a fucking quickness. I even order shit like parchment paper and dish soap on Amazon. Why? Because, with free Prime shipping, I spend way less on getting my items than I used to, by having to put gas in my car and driving to get them. This may sound like a commercial for Amazon Prime, but rest assured, that this pisses me off beyond reason. I want to go to a store and talk to a knowledgeable salesperson. I want to hold the item in my hands and feel the weight of the box. I want to experience the visceral joy that is immediately enjoying my new thing. Amazon and poverty have taken that joy from me.

4) Disney Didn’t Ruin Star Wars

When I found out Disney bought Star Wars, I was shitting myself in anticipation of how awful they were going to make it. I couldn’t wait to shit all over them and ruin everyone’s fun, after watching the films. Unfortunately, that isn’t what happened at all. What did happen, is that they are making fucking amazing movies. This is a lot like the Amazon thing; you probably think I wanted good Star Wars movies. The problem here, is I needed them to be bad, because I needed to believe that we needed George Lucas. That belief has been shattered. I needed to believe that George wasn’t a worthless, greedy fuck and that the prequels were not fucked on purpose—that George would make it right. Instead, what I got was a sale to Disney and a series of fucking amazing films, which I literally cannot complain about. Imagine how awesome an article titled "Top 5 Ways Disney RUINED Star Wars" would be. Well, I understand your lamentations, but there won’t be one.

5) The Cost Of Meat Is Too Damn High

I am a Buddhist. This decision was based mostly on the fact that Buddhists are vegetarians. Okay, so that might be an embellishment. But, for real y’all, have you noticed how much meat costs lately? The other day, I went to the store for dinner stuff and I bought two pounds of ground beef and two boxes of Hamburger Helper—this rang up to $13! I am not shitting you, either...that’s really what it cost. THIRTEEN DOLLARS FOR HAMBURGER HELPER! I just can’t live in a world where the cheapest meal my mom used to prepare for me now costs more than a pair of Walmart shoes. You can’t eat shoes, pain or frustration (although, the modern world is trying to prove that wrong).