Five Things Bands Need To Stop Doing (Because You’re Making The Rest Of Us Look Bad)

Showing Up Late To Load-In

I get it. Traffic. You couldn’t get off work early. The bass player had trouble putting his foil-wrapped cucumber in his pants... what have you. We all have excuses. But, seriously, what the fuck? The average load-in time at small venues in Portland is 7:00pm, which is after rush hour. This city is not that big. Gresham to Beaverton is an hour-long drive in rush hour. Touring bands can legitimately get into some trouble, especially if their tour manager is an idiot and they’re driving here directly from Phoenix or Boise. But, if you’re a Portland (or Vancouver, WA) band, what is your fucking excuse? You got the email and you know what time load-in is. If the touring band from New York or Austin is here before you, you’re fucking up hard. Stop.

Again...Showing Up Late To Load-In

Like, I need to reiterate this, because it’s something that I come across all too often. This isn’t a job or school that you don’t want to be at (sorry business owners and teachers). This is something we decided to do, because we didn’t want to go to school or get a job. Why the fuck are you late?! Don’t you like playing music? Isn’t this the highlight of your day (or, month, if you’re a Portland band and you don’t tour, because you realize you make more money bartending or stripping, than you ever could playing music, so why take all that time off of work, to go on a west coast tour that nets negative dollars)? But, I digress. Come on, peeps— show up when you’re asked to do so, so the venue doesn’t become jaded towards musicians and begin to treat the rest of us like the piece of shit you are.

Trying To Get Booze When You’re Underage—Or, Trying To Get Your Underage Girlfriend Into The Show

This is another thing I didn’t think would be a necessary thing to ask. But, I’ve come across it too often not to mention. Yo...the legal drinking age should be lowered to the same age you can vote and get killed for serving your country—I agree. But, currently, it is not—and, the OLCC puts the Gestapo to shame. These venues no longer allow bands who are under 21 to play, because assholes like you try to get the bartender to pour you Jäger bombs cause you’re in the band, have a beard and want to be cool. I fully advocate for underage bands to play bars, since playing house parties and your auntie’s birthday can only get you so far. But, the reason all-ages shows are rare in Portland, is because you pull shit like this. Also, stop putting your 17-year-old girlfriend on the guest list. This is a bar. She can’t come to the show. This side note applies mostly to males in what I call "accessible rock bands," who often hang at high schools, to impress girls with the fact that they’re in the band (because women their age are all the wiser). Either way, she’s underage— stop arguing with the bouncer about why she should be able to get in.

Taking A Decade And A Half To Do Your Sound Check

If you had a harp, a viola, a trombone and a steel drum, I’d understand. But, more often than not, you are a rock band (pretending you’re not a rock band) with drums, bass, guitar and some vocals. It’s a time-tested mix, that most sound guys know how to balance. You’re not special. You don’t need more vocal in the monitor. You don’t need less of the lead guitarist, who insists on being jet-engine volume. When you’re opening for Queens Of The Stone Age at Moda Center, you’ll get to do a meticulous sound check. But, right now, you’re at Ash St. Saloon (sorry, too soon) and no one cares about the balance of drums, bass, guitar and vocals. Maybe you could have had a longer sound check, if you showed up to load-in on time.

Thowing A Hissy Fit About The Lineup

I get it. No one wants to play last. No one wants to play first. We all want that magical second or third slot, but until we’re actually getting a paycheck and opening for national touring acts playing The Crystal or Roseland, why the pettiness? Are we really arguing for the five extra people who might show up for that magical middle slot? Calm the fuck down— give the touring bands the middle slots and sort out the rest of the bill based on work schedules and back-lining logistics. I agree that playing at one in the morning sucks. But, one of us has to do it, so let’s just draw straws and get it over with. Point being, don’t make a big deal out of it—especially in Portland, where we’re literally fighting over table scraps of an audience that will probably leave when they see the bands have a shouting match in the parking lot over who gets to play second, because they have five more followers on Instagram.