Green Room Diaries: Beyond Dabs

While at a party, I noticed a group of sketchy kids at the kitchen table, huddled around pieces of burnt metal and glass. They were using a torch to heat up a waxy, yellowish substance that seemed to provide an instant and addictive high. A shady hipster stood in the corner, selling miniature balls of the substance to customers. However, before I was able to inform the host that a nest of tweakers had taken up residence in his kitchen, one of the party-goers informed me that the kids were simply smoking weed—"dabs," actually, otherwise known as butane hash oil (BHO).

Apparently, concentrated marijuana is the new big thing. And, with any new thing, I plan on capitalizing on it. "Dabs, schmabs," I say! We need some real, modern-day, Al Jourgenson- overdose, barter-sex-with-a-stranger, make-Rush-sound-good type shit if we’re gonna let our subculture attempt to remake Half Baked with the undertone of Breaking Bad. The following is a list of marijuana mutations that I would like to see hit the streets within the next few years:

Herojuana

Clean, distilled hash oil that is viscous enough to be used intravenously. Why bother smoking your weed and forcing your lungs to suffer harsh, unhealthy combustion, when you can mainline THC directly into your bloodstream? Herojuana is often first prescribed by doctors in the form of Sativacottin—yet, everyone knows that shit is just a synthetic version of the same shit. Sure, one air bubble can kill you—but, the high is fantastic and it hits you quicker than a dab. As an added bonus, it is a widely-known fact that music produced by users of herojuana is typically more awesome than the stuff put out by consumers of combustible smoke.

BHOcaine

Stuck at an after-hours party with a bunch of strippers and college kids? Why not add a touch of alien abduction conspiracy talk to the grandiose display of delusional nonsense being passed around with the mirror and razor? BHOcaine is a clean, purified and snortable energy-laden powder that can also be easily concealed in bud-loons for international transport. Sure, the good stuff only comes from Mexico and the stuff you’re gonna find in Portland has been stepped-on to high hell, but hipsters love this shit and you can charge three or four times the street value, even more when selling to transplants.

Methdocino Crystal Purp

Barely recognizable as part of the THC family, this cheap and easily-manufactured variety of nature’s nectar is popular amongst rural demographics. If you finding yourself wanting to clean the entire trailer after just a few tokes, this is the stuff for the job. Also known as "dieter’s weed," Meth Purp contains several naturally-occurring, scientifically-altered chemicals, that suppress appetite—perfect for the stoner who is watching their figure. However, the chemicals involved in making this stuff often result in the users suffering from horrible, physical damage, such as the sudden appearance of dreadlocks on white addicts and an unexplainable affinity for Pink Floyd in other demographics.

Power Cannabis Powder

Some ancients believe that marijuana has healing powers. Modern cultivators have taken this myth literally, developing a strain of "PCP" THC that makes it almost impossible to feel any physical pain at all. Whether cleaning out bad guys on the Xbox console, or attempting to use an actual AR-15 assault rifle to protect your sacred herb from make-believe federal agents, this stuff has the power you need to get the most out of your high! While first popularized in the street-smart film Training Day 2, PCP has become more widely accepted among non-urban demographics in recent years.

Maridrenaline Dimethal Mega-Ajuana (MDMA)

MDMA is all the fun of regular dabs, without any of the health benefits or intellectual stimulation. However, this stuff is great for emotional well-being and healing. If the doctor who prescribed your medical marijuana works from behind a desk and a DSM, or if your "qualifying medical condition" dates back to the dark evening when touchy Uncle Carl stayed late for Thanksgiving dinner, this stuff will clear your palate and reset your suppressed memories. After just a few hits, even the most traumatized victims will find themselves groping strangers and dry-humping stuffed animals in abandoned warehouses.

Four-Twenty Loko

Simple to consume (but, a mess to clean up), Four-Twenty Loko is a liquefied version of nature’s leafy medicine, blended with other, naturally occurring grains, hops and watermelon flavors. Sip on some of this stuff while watching a sunset dissolve into a velvet coastline, then beat up a homeless stranger in the line at the doughnut shop, all while screaming quotes from Blue Velvet and making terrifying faces at the closest baby. There exists no known medical use case for Four- Twenty Loko, but doctors in the military are currently working on using it to send troops into battles they have no possibility of winning.