Jimmy’s Newsletter

Inspiring! This Aggressive Cat-Caller Has Less Than Fifty Dollars To His Name

What if you had the courage to talk to any girl in the world? Impossible, right?! Not for this guy! Meet Tan Freegle, the world’s most confident man. He literally has nothing to offer the ladies he hits on, but that never stops him! No woman is too beautiful, too rich, too taken, too gay or too disinterested for his advances. Wow! What an inspiration! The truly amazing part? It sometimes WORKS!

"It’s a numbers game," says Freegle. "I might tell thirteen thousand, six hundred and seventy-eight women that I wouldn’t be frowning with an ass like that, and thirteen thousand, six hundred and seventy-seven women might say no, tell me to fuck off, mace me, assault me, have their husbands assault me, have their wives assault me, hit me with their purse, throw boiling hot tea in my face, get a restraining order, call the cops, have their boyfriend assault me, have their girlfriends assault me, spit on me, catch me on camera or write a scathing blog about me...but, oh, that 0.0000731101 percent!"

Incredible! If this unemployed sociopath doesn’t move you to approaching that friend or co-worker you’ve had a crush on for years, we don’t know what will! Share with someone that you think could use a shot of self-esteem in the arm.

Emotional Volcano Erupts At Local Cafe, Dozens Entertained

Chaos, shock and delight tore a coffee shop asunder today, after a local couple was overheard passionately arguing about infidelity, and after a few explosive moments, had broken up—leaving in their wake a slew of gossip, social media threads and pleasant conversation, shared by the dozens of patrons and onlookers, who happened to be fortunate enough to witness this natural phenomena for themselves.

At approximately 9:43am, the usually dormant duo of Chad Drangus, 32, and Wendy Potrick, 28, started spewing accusations wildly at each other, until they were in the midst of a fully formed, public break-up. Innocent bystanders dove for their phones, covered their kids’ ears and held back laughter with all their might, until the episode had ran its course and both participants rapidly exited—presumably, to never return again.

Eyewitness and barista at Andy Cappuccino, Zoe Evans, 19, acted quick. "There was no time to think. It all happened so fast. By the time it was over, I had gained over one thousand followers on Twitter, just by live-tweeting this hilarious tragedy. The whole thing went viral. It was scorching hot and it spread quick."

"I was lucky to get out alive...I almost died laughing," stated regular customer and police officer, Dale Mirphee, 45.

At time of print, it was disclosed that Andy Cappuccino will remain open during regular business hours, though management has asked for patience and understanding, when waiting to place an order—as gossip takes precedence, after such a serendipitous act of nature.

Real Estate: More And More Women Investing In "Fixer-Upper" Boyfriends

Noting the rapid decline of decent, available men willing to be in a monogamous relationship, straight, single women everywhere have been lowering their standards and pricing mid-range partners, whom they can trade in at a later date for more expensive models, after making a few simple personality and style adjustments.

"You’d be amazed at what you can get out of a man, if you put a little work in," stated 29-year-old dental assistant, Carol Weathers. "In no time, I got him down to drinking just once a week and he only wears shorts around the house now. I’ve even got him believing in himself, to the point of looking for a job! I figure, after a few more months, I’ll get him to stop watching porn and he’ll have appreciated as much as he can. Then, I can put him on the market for a decent profit."

This shrewd move has been very beneficial to the dating pool, as it helps to regulate the supply and demand of eligible bachelors (though, typically, these trends favor the upper class). Undersold men are lamenting this rapid gentrification, as it raises the stakes of casual relationships. Yet, most have reported being too content and lazy from all the sex and free meals to do any kind of self-reflection. Many of the savvier ones will rent out room in their heart for a second owner, as a backup relationship, for when they will eventually have to refinance themselves.