Jonas Does Portland: Sober & Straight In N.Y.C.

I’m going to have to be very honest with all of you, right up front: when I moved to NYC, I missed the LGBTQ scene in Portland a lot. That, and the sexually free nature of Portland, were things that made me homesick all the time. But, as time went on and I met new comics and friends in the city, I opened up to the scene more and I quickly fell in love with it here. But, wait...I’m a straight dude and I’ve been sober for a year, so why in the fuck would I be such a fan of the scene? As bluntly honest as I can say, they’re better people and the clubs are 1,000% better than anything we’ve got going for us. It’s true, our straight dance clubs are mostly dog shit and our people can be really fucking creepy.

So, what I decided to do, is plunge myself as deeply as I possibly could into the scene, even though I had certain handicaps, so to speak. But, I don’t regret one second of it. This month, I’m going to give you the rundown of the scene here in NYC, for when you travel here. I wanna start off hard and dirty, so let’s give you a baptism by bathroom blowjob. Over in the East Village/St. Marks area of Manhattan lies a legendarily sleazy glory hole in the wall bar known as "The Cock." I live with a gay roommate and he had gleefully warned me about this place before, so I was apprehensive. Here’s the twist—it was everything he warned me about and it didn’t bother me at all. And, the fact that I was straight didn’t bother any of the men there. I’m not saying it should, but a lot of straight men often have a motive when going to a gay bar. So, it’s understandable if they’d been unhappy I was there—after all, this was their house and I was a guest. If you’re looking to get down and dirty with some man love, The Cock is your place.

So, let’s go from barrel-chested big boys, to the leather-clad bar sitting directly in the Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood of Manhattan known as The Eagle. One specific part of the gay community is "leathers," which are dudes that love all sorts of leather attire—from codpieces, to chest straps, to full body coverage. The Eagle is not a fucking joke, when it comes to the leathers. Oiled up, hairy-chested, leather-covered bears roam this place, and yet again, the boys didn’t give a fuck about me being sober and straight. Well...a few of them wished I wasn’t straight...but, otherwise, we were good. The non-alcoholic drinks were on point here, as well. I’d absolutely recommend The Eagle, if leathers are your thing.

So, we’ve covered sleaze and niche so far. On to the Greenwich Village/West Village area of Manhattan, for one of my absolute favorite venues in NYC—Marie’s Crisis. The name alone makes you wonder what you’re going to walk into and it’s not what you think. This place is legendary in the scene and has a deep-seated place in NYC history. This quaint, intimate basement venue is actually a piano bar that has almost-round-the-clock live piano and showtunes rocking the fuck out. The bartenders here were happy to cater to my non-alcoholic needs and they were totally interested in exactly what the hell I was doing, being straight and sober in their boozy, gay, musical oasis. The patrons were fun, fabulous and it was some of the most fun I’ve had in a long time in the city. I didn’t want to leave. However, there were more bars to hit. So, move on. I did!

Another personal favorite venue of mine is in the same area as Marie’s Crisis , so I snuck over to Duplex. Duplex is a really cool place, because it’s really three venues in one: a downstairs bar with a stage, an upstairs bar and an upstairs theater space. Duplex is where you go, if you want the full experience in Manhattan. You’ve got overpriced drinks, lively clientele, burlesque, drag and the occasional celebrity being spotted. No celebs dropped by when I was there, but it’s not uncommon for them to stop by this legendary NYC venue. They were real slim on the nonalcoholic options, but they were definitely not pushy about it, so they get points there. The clientele was really...interested in each other, so they couldn’t have given a shit less about me being there. Even with the lack of non-alcoholic options, I’ll always come back here.

I rounded out my bar crawl with a place that many of you will know. I made my final stop at a place that is a piece of NYC history. The final stop in my journey was the historical Stonewall Inn. The Stonewall has a footprint pressed into the LGBTQ history of NYC and it likely always will. And, for a great reason—it was at the forefront of the fight for gay rights in the city. Every night, there are different events—from karaoke and trivia, to comedy and burlesque. The clientele is a mixture of all walks of LGBTQ people and extremely respectful of everyone that comes in. And, above all, the people here always know how to have some fucking fun. They only serve lime-’n’-seltzer or Red Bull for non-alcoholic options, but they’re great, so they get a pass. What I found out, is that the scene was more accepting of me, my friend and my sobriety than they had any right to be. They accepted me with open arms and didn’t resist me at all. It was very welcoming and I loved it. I felt zero pressure to drink or do...anything. It’s a scene lush with happy people that know how to have a hell of a lot of fun. I made friends, new fans and I have a whole bunch of new regular haunts. I love you and all of your fabulous LGBTQ love, NYC.

Happy Pride, Portland.