Where To Spend ‘Exposure’

If you’re an artist—especially a musician— you’re more than familiar with the concept of being paid in exposure. How often have you entitled little shits heard the phrase, "We can’t pay you cash, but this gig will get you lots of exposure!" Lots, I assume. And, I am sure your lazy, millennial asses will scoff at this genuine offer as a devaluing of your art and a disrespect for your snowflake selves. But, swallow your pride for just a minute, you ungrateful bastards! While you twiddle your thumbs trying to find something to do this summer with all your free time (since you refuse to get a real job), I give you several places where you can spend all that EXPOSURE you so obnoxiously complain about receiving as payment...

THE BAR

This one applies mostly to musicians. These whiny little turds, who demand some kind of cash payment for the show they played, don’t realize the real value of that exposure they were paid in, for their "hard" work. You silly geese, this is the bar’s way of telling you to drink for free. Never mind those two generous drink tickets you were offered, but all that exposure you were also paid in, can be cashed in at the bar for beverages. Yes, that’s right! You see, the reason the bar didn’t pay you, is because money is tight and we 99%ers gotta help each other out on a barter system. They can’t pay you in cash money dollars, but they can give you exposure, which you can then go straight back to the bar and turn in for a few PBRs and tequila shots. Order a round for your friends, as well! Make sure to tip your bartender as well, with some of that leftover exposure, to keep the cycle going. You see, by paying you in exposure, this watering hole is just trying to subvert conventional, conformist tender. It’s like Bitcoin, but more punk rock! And, by putting it back in the bar’s hands, in exchange for getting drunk—something of equal-or-lesser value, than being entertained by live music—you are helping create a new monetary system. Take that, capitalism!

BITCOIN

I mean, while we’re at it, yeah...invest in Bitcoin. Why not? Trade one imaginary currency for another (cough)...sorry, "alternative" currency for another. Since it is an observable fact that—at least in Portland—some bars do indeed accept Bitcoin as payment (and, most definitely pay artists in exposure), that Bitcoin can, through some complex math equation, be exchanged for Bitcoin (and vice versa). And, you say exposure is valueless? Petty, spoiled artist! Continue to subvert capitalism by bringing your wallet full of exposure to the Bitcoin kiosk and putting it into the digital cloud-ether-interwebs thing. Then, that exposure you so disrespectfully question the value of will be turned into something that everyone values without question, for some reason. Plus, I hear it’s an excellent way to buy illicit substances through email and I know you musicianfolk are big fans of said things. Everyone wins!

THE GROCERY STORE

As a struggling artist, you probably think you need a day job of sorts, in order to afford basic necessities like, you know, food. While you gripe about not being financially compensated enough for the craft that you literally spent your entire life working on, you are not appreciating the subtle currency of the exposure you are paid in for your work. Don’t believe me? Go to the grocery store. I assure you, they will gladly take that exposure for their foodstuffs. No need to apply for food stamps, which you could easily qualify for, with your measly, minimum-wage job. So much red tape is involved, and who wants actual free money from the government, to buy food. Nay, I say. You have a bounty of exposure instead, to spend at your local grocer. And, you say that you can’t support yourself with your art. For shame, entitled plebeian! That exposure will buy you just as much mac and cheese and boxed wine as the dead presidents you’d earn doing literally anything else.

THE LANDLORD

Quit being so stingy with the exposure you’ve accumulated over the years of playing shows, donating your art to cafes, acting in short independent films, writing freelance, drawing freelance and doing art for free. Do you not see, that all that work you did was paid for and you have been hoarding it like one of those sad fellows on reality TV that you watch to make you feel better about yourself? Anyway, that exposure should be treated like cash! Or, at least a gift card. And, your landlord will gladly accept payment for your shitty apartment with such currency. You see, the reason your landlord is renting to your broke ass in the first place, is because they bought the property you wallow in, as an investment. And, as we all know, the best way to invest is to diversify. Explain this to your landlord: your payment of their rent is to diversify not only their income, but their currency, as well. They’ll be delighted at their tenant’s newfound financial maturity.

ART SUPPLIES AND SPACES

This covers a vast array of items including pens, paints, paper, canvases, musical instruments, laptops and even studios. Although people who pay you in exposure seem to think you just show up and work out your inner demons for attention—at little cost to yourself—you are all the wiser. These tools of the trade are indeed expensive. Your average rehearsal space is about the size of a Harry Potter closet and will run you about $400 a month. If your bandmates don’t pitch in, that can be quite the bank-breaker. Ideally, this space and all your expensive musical or artistic equipment would eventually be paid for, by the money received for your services rendered. They are, you fool! Exposure, remember??? Why spend your hard-earned money at the salt mines (or wherever you work) to support your art habit and pay double rent, just to have a place to play your electric ukulele, when you can take all that exposure you’ve earned and put it towards your space or buy another, newer electric ukulele? You see??? Your art does pay for itself! Since there is monetary value in these tools and spaces to make the art, the art that is produced must also yield monetary value—just in the form of exposure. It’s the only thing that mathematically makes sense, and the person who rents your studio will surely agree. Don’t go into credit card debt, just to buy a laptop so you can edit those little comedy videos you hope to get YouTube-famous with. I’m sure the Apple store will gladly sell you a laptop for exposure! You are breaking even with your creative endeavors. Save those tips for your drug habit, or whatever it is you do with your free time. And, on that note...

DRUGS!

Since the hard-working, illicit substance peddlers of the city you live in don’t like receipts or electronic proof of their transactions, they are always more than happy to do business with untraceable currency. I ask you, what currency is more untraceable than that vague, incorporeal exposure that these modern patrons apparently have in abundance to give? Even though that splendid cannabis plant all the kids are raging about is indeed legal in some states, you are still mostly unable to use adult money (credit and debit cards) to purchase it. Until such necessary legislation is made to legalize not just cannabis, but all illicit substances (it would be fantastic to bring back opium dens), you lowly, artist types usually resort to cash to partake. Realize that you have options. We all know you can purchase black tar heroin over the internet with Bitcoin and exchange a sexual favor or two for some crack cocaine. Why not use all that exposure you’ve been holding onto so greedily, for so long? I see no issues whatsoever, with proposing to your local provider a new arrangement. If they question your completely reasonable proposal, suggest to them all the wonderful ways I’ve mentioned above, where they can spend this exposure. I’m sure the interaction will go smoothly. Try it!

THE BANK

Fine, I get it—you want cold, hard cash for your efforts. Simple-minded proles such as yourself are still too attached to paper currency— blind to the fact that the only worthwhile place to invest your money is gold, precious stones and real estate in Portland in the early nineties. But, if you insist on turning your exposure into something that you can see and touch, like some common beast, then simply go to the bank! That exposure has value—or so says your benefactor—so, trade it in for your coveted greenbacks at the bank. I will say you are making a mistake, as cash only decreases in value with inflation. That exposure, with its vague, intangible nature, can be whatever value you say it has. Just ask the person who you gave it to. A much better place to store worth, if you ask me. But, it’s your money and the bank will surely exchange it for peasant coins.

YOUR LOCAL STRIP CLUB

As artists themselves, the lovely dancers at your local club will be more than happy to take your hard-earned exposure for exposing themselves for you. I’m sure the door guy will, without question, accept exposure for the cover charge, if there happens to be one on a weekend or something. We’ve already talked about how the bar will definitely accept exposure for beverages—just make sure you throw some extra exposure on top for the tip, since they’re working so hard. As for the dancers, do be a gentleman and generously shower them in exposure— they’ll love it! Cash is so dirty, anyway—literally one of the filthiest things we handle on a day-to-day basis. Exchanging hands several times a day—disgusting! While you are tipping your lovely dancer for exposure, try to explain to her the benefits of receiving this wonderful thing for your craft, with all the examples I listed above. When she counters with some uneducated argument (like how she can’t pay her phone bill with exposure), retort with the fact that she can and add it to the list I’ve provided above! If she decides to be difficult and call the bouncers over to remove you from the premises...well, then give them the same sales pitch I gave you. Throw them a little extra exposure for their troubles. Guaranteed, they’ll understand completely and allow you to continue sitting at the rack throwing imaginary (cough), excuse me, "alternative" currency at the dancers. Go ahead! Try it! You’ll have an absolutely delightful evening! Tell them all Blazer says, "hi."

So, there you have it. Next time you are offered exposure instead of actual money for your craft, refer back to this comprehensive list and stop being such an ungrateful, entitled millennial. It’s not that capitalism doesn’t value art—it’s that you don’t value exposure. For shame, peasant! And, you’re welcome for this helpful and enlightening list. Now, stop complaining and get back to the salt mine!