Erotic City

We’ve made it 25 years! Can you believe this shit? Personally, I’ve been writing for this magazine—under various pen names and pseudonyms—for about half of that time. Since, not much has changed for the worse and we’ve only gotten more polished. Still, I miss the days of old and am putting out an open casting call to one (maybe two) new writers, ready to be a bit out-of-the-box. Are you a stripper who wants to share stories of the club? Too bad, Jaime’s already got that covered. In a band? Sorry, Blazer is doing quite well. But, if you’ve got that special something, hit me up...my email is Editor@ Xmag.com and I’d love to see what’s out there. But, the most important aspect of our publication is not the words, but the photos. Speaking of which...

Congratulations To Oksana, Winner Of Polerotica 2018

Congratulations to Oksana Romanov for winning this year’s Polerotica championship! I had the pleasure of co-hosting the finals with Dick Hennessy and I am completely blown away at how top-notch the performers have become. Sure, it’s always been a best-of-the-best type of event, but the sheer amount of time and effort that dancers put into their sets during this year’s finals was nothing less than impressive. We had jungle vines hanging from the ceiling, life-sized Barbie dolls and volcanic penis experiments that didn’t go as planned. But, in the end, it was Oksana Romanov and her (literal) ninja skills that took home the title. She’s on the cover this month, as well as in the centerfold, so remember the face and when you see her at Kit Kat Club or Acropolis, say hi. Then, buy a dance, tip or take off, because she’s a professional.

New Spots Around Town

Looking for some new clubs and theme nights to enjoy this summer? We’ve got you covered. Southwest Portland’s newest strip club, Reveal Lounge, will be hosting Movie Mondays all month, featuring movie- themed sets. Southeast has a new club, too, called Grind. This is located right on the edge of Portland and Gresham, one of my favorite areas—simply for the fact that it’s quite diverse and mostly free of hipsters. As far as Northwest Portland goes, well, it’s still mostly coffee shops and bookstores...maybe someone can change that.

Porn Delivery Now Available In Portland

We’ve all been there. It’s noon, you’re enjoying a sex toy while watching C-SPAN and eating pizza. Then, all of a sudden, the motor on your Happy Flappy Rabbit Trap gives out. What now? You can either return to Red- Tube and risk getting another virus, stop what you’re doing and clean the kitchen, play some video games or...order another sex toy, right to your door? What kind of fantasy world would this be??? Well, loyal readers, this fictional utopia is actually known as "Portland."

As of last month, the Taboo Video location on MLK (in Portland, OR) has been partnering up with Package PDX (a delivery service) so that local residents can order sex toys to their door! This is why I love capitalism, folks. Innovation never ceases to amaze me, but I thought us proud shut-ins, home business owners and busy parents saw the peak of our convenience at weed delivery or Girl Scout Cookies—not true! According to Taboo, adult toys can now be delivered to "homes, hotels or wherever the request is made." That’s right—wherever the request is made. Are you listening, Starbucks? I’m about to test the boundaries of your tolerance. Or, I might just stay home and order a few sex toys, a pizza and some weed—all at the same time—just to see how much of a party I can throw on my doorstep.

Jokes and excitement aside, local adult toy delivery is a step forward for anyone who supports the sex industry. If you think about it, the stigma surrounding adult stores still exists. I’m not quite sure if the internet has helped—at least up until this point—as typing "two chicks double up on an unattractive dude HD" into a search bar is a cheap and easy way to obtain immediate, convenient fantasy. Plus, standard sex toy shipping takes forever. Sometimes, you don’t remember ordering that six-to-eight weeks delivery time sex doll (and this can make for an awkward Christmas, trust me). But, if you realize that Amazon can ship a rare, hard-to-find item to your doorstep in under an hour using drones on cocaine, why not advance society by using the internet for good? Taboo did just that. To any rational entrepreneur, the adult toy delivery industry is one that is just waiting to be tapped. This means that Taboo and Package PDX are the first adopters. Once they’re able to accept Bitcoin, I don’t think I will ever leave the house.

Tats And Vag

If you missed Polerotica, then you have a second and third chance to catch up on the pageant-slash-contest circuit in the strip clubs. Returning after nearly a decade-long hiatus, Ink ‘N’ Pink features tattooed performers from all walks of life. How the dancers incorporate their ink into their sets is up to them, but the theme will no doubt involve intricate, permanent body art and the talented women that serve as a canvas. In past years, there has been on-site tattooing, live music and a slew of local celebrity judges. Who knows what to expect this year?! Venues include Rose City Strip, Kit Kat Club, Club SinRock and Dante’s. Peep dates in the calendar at the end of this column.

And...drum roll...it’s also time for the Vagina Beauty Pageant (dates also listed at the end of this column)! This is easily the best, most reliable and prestigious vagina-judging institution known to man, run by DJ Dick "That Guy From All The Ads" Hennessy. Dick and I recently caught up (poor choice of words) and discussed all sorts of things, from the possibility of resurrecting an 18-to-21 stripper contest, to the intricate details involved in DJ Pussyfoot’s face mask. But, all I took away was, "Oh, and the Vag Pag is coming up soon." Guys, gals and non-binaries, Vagina Beauty Pageant is like the Olympics, but for coochie. Plus, the pageant makes no bones about personality, body shape, race, religion, creed, sexual orientation or politics—brass tacks, ladies and gentlemen. Taking it back to the beginning. Reppin’ that OG mentality. Pu$$y. Pu$$y. Pu$$y...

Exotic Alumni Falsely Labeled A "Nazi" Then A "Protestor" By Local Paper

I really, really don’t like bashing local media that I don’t consider toilet paper. As far as rags like Portland Mediocrity, well, I fully expect the cover story to deal with a food cart that has been recently accused of cultural appropriation, or perhaps an article by a plus-sized woman, about how if you don’t find her attractive, you’re a rapist. But, Willamette Week has been, for the most part, a pretty centrist paper, considering that it’s based in Portland. If in Idaho, yeah, it would read like Buzzfeed. But, even the greats have their less-than-target markets.

Last month, during the weekly "Rumble In Brighton" between AntiFa and Proud Boys (if you don’t know who these groups are, consider yourself lucky), the two white-and-well-off crowds clashed, as is routine, over which side was oppressing the other side more. Since roughly 99.99999% of Portlanders neither identify with, nor care about, activist groups (really—the ones who do are loud as shit and that’s why we hear so much about them), most folks just called this a Sunday. And, no, I am not referring to Pride weekend, either—that involved actual violence and harassment. Rather, this incident was just a regular-ass, bored-and-wanting-to-fight meeting, apparently centered around the departure of a Proud Boy to another state or country. I honestly don’t know—the point is, it wasn’t the Womxn’s March On Islam Against Abortion or whatnot.

So, like many Portlanders, Andrew "Stoner Brony" Arbow took to the streets, bored, in a hat embroidered with the phrase "Make America Goth Again." Clearly, this is not a political sentiment. However, Andrew’s hat was quickly snatched off of his head by a member of AntiFa, at which point a fight started to bubble, before Andrew yelled out something to the extend of, "The Pacific Northwest is the new Deep South and Progressives are the new K.K.K." Fucking. Beautiful. It ended up with Brony being drug off by a bystander and photos of his bloody face being ran in the related news headlines.

All fun and games, until the now-edited caption under his photo on Willamette’s Week website and Facebook pages read, "a white supremacist gets dragged by AntiFa." After readers pointed out that "Brony is not a skinhead" (seriously, read that over and over until your brain processes the rationality of said phrase), WW changed it to read, "a protestor gets dragged away." Again—not a "protestor," either...just a dude, making fun of people who are easy to make fun of.

I’m not going to go into my feelings on the Proud Boys or AntiFa...okay, I’ll admit that it’s ironic, watching a bunch of white kids dressed up as characters from Assassin’s Creed: USSR, punching self-described Nationalists, who are being lead by a Samoan who is about to leave the country, but that’s just another day in I-can’t-figure-out-how-to- be-white Portland. What I will point out, however, is this...

Dear local media: not everyone fits into your binary constructs. You figured this out with gender, why not allow it with political and ideological belief systems? Perhaps the "if not a white supremacist, then definitely a protestor" narrative is running thin.

I’m looking at my Facebook feed right now. I turn to the left—last night, it was full of posts about how Trump is putting kids in ovens, just like Hitler. Today, after Trump decided to take action against family separations, it’s nothing but, "this is just a cheap attempt at going back on his word, what about blah blah blah?" I turn to the right—last week, it was the threat of gay wedding cakes and the virtue of fast food chicken. This week, it’s all about how America was founded on free speech. Nothing to see but bipartisan nonsense, with absolutely zero self-awareness. Yet, doing the math, I have about two-dozen "friends" on each side of this debate, out of roughly three or four thousand. Chances are, most people aren’t batshit crazy. Perhaps, some of us just like to relax, have a sense of humor and not play into a cookie-cutter definition of what you expect us to be.

So, hey, Willamette Week...what gives? How about the caption, "A person is dragged away" and you let your smart, gender-studies- and-or-bicycle-repair-degree-having readers on both sides do their own research? Or, how about asking Andrew himself? Oh, that’s right, you did and he was snubbed by the reporter, who was more concerned about name recognition and an "exclusive scoop," than reporting the story. Remember when you were a paper, back when you blew open local political scandals and reviewed up-and-coming bands, not limited to the indie-alt-folk-whatever genre? As I’ve said before, a fucking porn magazine is doing more research than you are, while also being the rational, centrist voice of logic and reason. This is not good. Meanwhile, your other competitor is printing articles to the tune of "If You Won’t Date Me Because Of My Gender Or Size, You’re Hitler" and "How To Apologize To Black People You Don’t Know." You’re headed down the Salon bin, if you don’t put down the clickbait and let the identity politics go.

Andrew is an odd duck and I love the guy. He’s written columns for Exotic in the past, so that’s why I had to address shit here. Is he weird? Sure. Creepy? Probably. Cute? I think so. But, a Nazi? No, and I strongly encourage him to sue the living fuck out of whoever wrote the original article, in which he was portrayed to be. Libel is defined as "knowingly false, in print and affecting income or livelihood." It’s a legit law, easy to file and costs nothing to look into. Plus, you can wait up to two years after the latest incident to press charges. Chances are, the twenty-five dollars in drink tickets that a freelance writer makes per article is not worth the lawsuit.