Jimmy’s Newsletter

Local Comedian Saddened, Terrified By Biggest Fan

Brooklyn, NY—Shaken to his very core, aspiring local comic, Stev Naples, was left to pontificate his life’s decisions, after a chance encounter with a mentally unstable man in his mid-30s, who claimed to be his strongest supporter.

Naples first jokingly lamented to himself that his biggest fan was not an attractive young woman, but quickly grew more concerned by the person’s erratic nature and sadly vulgar attempts at humor. Once the gentleman (whose name has been forgotten—presumably from shock) mentioned his recent jail time and presented an offer to do narcotics in the parking lot, it became very clear that Stev should run the opposite way—both literally and career-wise.

"You never expect that it will happen to you," stated Naples. "I had just gotten off stage, feeling really good about myself and my set, then, bam! There he was, shaking from withdrawal symptoms in a Family Guy shirt, three sizes too big. I wanted to help him, but I couldn’t stop thinking about my jokes. Are they really that crude and thoughtless? Was I responsible for this? Am I a hack? I’m honestly so freaked out, I may just go back to school."

Colleagues of Naples (who did not wish to be named) speculated that the "number-one fan" was probably just an undercover cop. They also went on to say that Naples has "a bit of an overinflated ego with no real fan base," but were quick to point out that they are not jealous and support Stev, with love, in everything that he does.

Despicable! ISIS Read Your Diary

That’s right. They finally went ahead and did it. They went too far. ISIS snuck into your room when you were at school, found your secret hiding spot and read every last detail of your diary, savoring the juicy bits to use against you at a later date. Disgusting. They know about your crush on Mark. They know you think your mother is a "stupid bitch." Yes, they know exactly where you were, the moment you got your period. They know you’re really a virgin and that you lie about it, to look cool. They know why you refuse to shower after P.E. Totally unfair and uncool! Who will stop this madness???

This terrorist organization is devastating lives every day, and now they are hitting us where it hurts—on our own territory, right next to your locket of Mark’s hair. That’s right. They now know about that, too. Even if you hide it in a new spot, there is no guarantee that they won’t come back and read it again. And, if they don’t return, your personal space will still have been violated. It will feel difficult to trust anyone for a while. I bet your mother even let them in.

Wow. What kind of ruthless, heartless group recruits innocent Americans like your own mother—bitch as she may be—to help bring you down? Floored. We hope you recover. Share with someone you know, that has been hurt by domestic terrorism.

Courageous! This White Man Admitted He Can Be Racist, Despite Black Friend

We’ve all heard it. You catch a friend or coworker in the middle of telling an inappropriate joke and suddenly, it takes a turn for the worse. They say something they shouldn’t have and you have to be the adult, telling them what they said might have been considered a little bit racist. They get defensive and tell you that’s not the case, because they have a "black friend." It’s a terrible cop-out, and embarrassing for everyone involved. One man believes this kind of casual bigotry has gone on for far too long and he is taking a stand! Joel Tiederman will be the first to tell you—he has a black friend and he is fully capable of being racist.

"It’s not like I do it consciously or spitefully, but yeah, I guess at times I have an immature sense of humor and I’ll make a dumb joke in my head or accidentally drop an N-bomb while listening to Redman. I think things will get better over time, as we become more aware of our actions affecting others. But, for now, yeah, I’m sorry. I can totally be racist at times. It sucks. I’m ashamed of it, but you just have to accept it and move on. My black buddy, Roger, would agree with me. See? Right there. I should have just called him my buddy. My fault."

Wow! What bravery! Way to go, Joel! Such a great step in the right direction. If more people were able to admit when they are wrong and cop to their ingrained racism, the world would be a better place. Thank you, Joel Tiederman! You give us hope for a more tolerant tomorrow. Share if you know someone who needs a wake up call!

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