The Monthly Column: Attention, Shoppers

Supermarket shopping: the purest manifestation of our consumer culture. So much for so little and all in one place. However, convenience and selection are not without pitfalls, and those pitfalls usually take the form of other shoppers, whose behavior can range from the curious to the vexing. That said, it’s the 21st century. Gone (mostly) are the problems of yesteryear, such as old people writing paper checks and coupon hagglers. But, with progress comes new people posing new problems. Next time you visit the human circus that is your local grocery store, be mindful of the following supermarket obstacles for The Current Year™.

COUNT DOPENSTEIN

This person can be a man, woman or anything else. Their key trait is that they are obviously on heroin. They are unencumbered by such accessories as a cart or basket and are content to stagger around— usually with a single, odd item in one hand. Follow their gaze upward, to that no-man’s-land between the top of the shelves and the 150-watt fluorescent lights, which blanket the store in bland, functional illumination. They carry on as though possessed of singular purpose, but that purpose becomes lost— and found again—after an interval of bewildered disorientation.

Difficulty to avoid: easy.

Potential consequences if not avoided: minimal.

THE NOT-SO-ARTFUL DODGER

This guy (and it is usually a guy, but not always) thinks they’re some kind of grocery ninja. They’ll use bursts of speed and attempt agile maneuvers in the aisles, attempting to dodge and weave around others, or snake an arm around to snag an item from in front of someone. The problem is, they’re bad at it. Ancient martial arts skills, they have not. Instead, these are generally not-so-nimble people who played too much Ninja Gaiden* and bump into things or people—usually with a speedy apology when they do, or a hasty exit when that thick-’n’- chunky picante sauce they knocked over fills aisle six.

Difficulty to avoid: moderate.

Potential consequences if not avoided: a firm jostle or possibly chip dip on your shoe.

THE A.C.L.U. FOR SHRIEKING

This is a team, usually a family, but could also be some form of Cub Scouts or other youth group. Regardless of who they are—or why they are there— they have any number of children who are manufacturing dissonant, high-intensity noise using their mouth-holes, and just those orifices, if you’re lucky. If you give them so much as a stern glance, the adult creatures tending this pack of gibbons will hit you back tenfold with some sort of smug self-righteousness, as though it’s you who are wrong for frowning on their behavior.

Difficulty to avoid: tough, as they tend to take up entire aisles.

Potential consequences if not avoided: you probably won’t want to have kids, or if you already have them, force an appraisal of yours as not nearly so obnoxious.

THE ARGUING PORTUGUESE FAMILY

Another unit, but this time, usually a household of people who all decided to go shopping. Who knows where they’re from? Who knows what language they’re speaking? Who knows why they’re yelling or why they’re doing so in the middle of the bread aisle? Who knows why they just decided to do this and not move? It is apparently just loads of fun for the whole family, though.

Difficulty to avoid: abandon your cart and try for a snatch and grab—don’t get too cocky, though, or you might, yourself, become the Not-So Artful Dodger.

Potential consequences if not avoided: you might learn a lot of profanity in another language.

THE ITEM PSYCHIC

This is a solo operator. They stand in the same spot, immobile, transfixed, beguiled and ensorcelled by the item in front of them. They stare, apparently through time and space, as though trying to answer cosmic questions, such as "Does this buttermilk have a soul?" or "Is this roach fogger really a fog or more of a mist?"

Difficulty to avoid: pretty simple.

Potential consequences if not avoided: existential crisis, as it somehow relates to brown-’n’-serve breakfast sausages.

JACK THE TRIPPER

A child. A child, playing host to unbridled energy and unnatural speed. This wee one tears ass through the aisles, up and down and back again. Their sole goal is to get under your foot, and have you accidentally kick them or trip over them. This, of course, springs the trap, causing them to start crying as only children in supermarkets can and summoning angry, previously-invisible parents, who demand to know what you did to their little angel.

Difficulty to avoid: hard mode—you must be deft and attentive.

Potential consequences if not avoided: fist fights, onion hurlings, milk beatings.

CAPTAIN STEALINGTON

Less a hazard and more a feature. This is a person who you can tell—just tell—is there for the purpose of shoplifting. This isn’t your problem as a shopper, but if you follow them around, periodically talking into your lapel, you can mess with them for as long as you care to (or until they get sketched-out and leave).

Difficulty to avoid: fairly simple, but that wouldn’t be any fun, would it?

Potential consequences if not avoided: messing with them could result in your being detained as a suspect in cahoots with the Captain.

THE SELF-CHECK SIMPLETON

This individual is baffled, bemused and bewildered by the self-checkout terminal. The act of scanning and bagging items—while a seemingly-simple task they’ve seen performed by paid professionals all their lives—becomes a daunting, irreconcilable chore, once attempted personally. Their dialogue is punctuated with exasperated, futile cries of insult to the machine, ignorant of the fact that it is they who have deficiencies, not the system. Not to be confused with someone finding themselves with a legitimate broken or fussy self-check—or one commanded to wait for a clerk to check their ID in order for them to buy cough syrup or some other triviality— as that happens far more often than it should.

Difficulty to avoid: difficult, as unless you’re standing there actively waiting on them to battle their mental demons and win the day, it’s hard to spot such folks.

Potential consequences if not avoided: time dilation— every second you stand there feels like a thousand cruel eons.

So, there you have it.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Be safe out there.

*But probably didn’t beat it.