3 Reasons You Should Not Be A Musician

DJ Hazmatt had a piece last month, about all the wonderful ways you can use your strip club DJ skills outside the club. And, really, this can be applied to any skills you have on a turntable, that aren’t rudimentary. Seriously, weddings are a good way to make bank from so many angles—not just as a DJ, but as a photographer, caterer, property owner, floral arranger...you name it. ‘Tis the ultimate American hustle. And, equipment-wise, you don’t even need an impressive record collection— just an internet connection and something to spin on. There are miniature turntable and mixer combos that can be folded up into a suitcase these days. I know—my friend will bring it to get-togethers and DJ. These aren’t parties, mind you, just five or six peeps drinking PBR and shooting the shit. It’s awesome.

See, A DJ can find a home anywhere, and besides extensive music knowledge, there doesn’t have to be a huge investment (unless you’re really going old school with two turntables, a mixer, speakers, legit headphones and actual crates of records). But, while trying to think of all the ways a lowly musician can make use of their so-called "skill," I came up short. If it’s not inconvenience, it’s irrelevance. As awesome as live drums would be at a rap battle, they are a bitch-and-a-half to lug around. Also, if you bust out an acoustic guitar at a party and start singing, you’re an asshole—end of story. Instead, here are three reasons why you shouldn’t even be a musician in the first place.

Yer Wallet

Seriously, this cannot be reiterated enough. Becoming a musician—or worse, becoming passionate about it in any way—is nothing but a huge money-suck. Unless you’re content with the ukulele or the triangle, it’s gonna be an investment. You could say this about any hobby, really, but I would argue that music really is the gift that keeps on taking, when it comes to draining any and all expendable income you have. It’s a habit worse than cocaine, because as soon as you get better, you’re gonna want to upgrade your shit, buy new shit or expand on the shit you have. Even as a DJ, you’ll find yourself pouring grocery funds into speakers that are just slightly better than your old ones. You could just use a bunch of classic drum machine samples downloaded for free on the internet or you could save up for three months and blow two grand on an actual Roland TR-808 (not making this up, find one cheaper and let me know—I want one).

It doesn’t matter if you can recreate all those sounds with an app on an iPhone, you’ll find yourself wanting the real thing. Guitarists and bassists are royally fucked. Even if you’re happy with your crappy main ax, you’ll find yourself pissing a hundred dollars a pop away on new pedals to make your shitty playing sound less so. Further, cymbals are more expensive than you realize. Although, a cheap Yamaha can recreate most of your favorite vintage synth sounds, just wait until you come across a little bit of money, then watch it immediately fly away, ‘cause you need an actual Fender Rhoads, an actual Wurlitzer and an actual Moog. Oh, don’t forget renting rehearsal spaces, unless you’re lucky enough to have a basement that doesn’t offend the neighbors. This is also all just pennies, compared to the Benjamins you’ll be suckered into blowing on recording time.

Yer Love Life

I kid, I kid...there are musicians out there who are able to maintain healthy relationships. They’re either successful or they stopped playing music. And even then, I feel the cruel muse has tainted them. I don’t mean to generalize. There are probably musicians out there who just do this sort of thing for fun, so they can be the asshole that busts out an acoustic guitar at parties. If you’re good enough and practice enough, you can actually make a few dollars playing cello in the orchestra or something and compartmentalize your passion into a little side hustle, while still being emotionally available for someone.

But, more likely than not, you took up music because of some far-fetched pipe dream that, odds say, will never be fulfilled. This is a recipe for disaster, when you throw romantic liaisons in the mix. Not only does music suck up a lot of time and money (see above), but also a lot of emotion, if you’re doing it right. This can definitely give the wrong idea to whatever unlucky soul is fucking you—or, God forbid, dating you—at the moment. My advice to musicians is to at least date other musicians. Then, you both sorta...get it. You’ve both sacrificed everything for this intermittent complete fulfillment and you’ll also understand each other’s occasional moodiness. If you have to explain to your partner why you’re buying another guitar when you already own five, it’s not going to work out.

Yer Sanity

This could probably be said about anyone attempting a career in the arts. Don’t do it! It’s not worth it! There’s enough to live for! But, in all honesty, if I were to give any solid advice to anyone who wanted to play music, I would first say, "don’t." If they insisted, I’d seriously warn them that, besides suffering heavy losses in the above two bullet points, this third one is equally susceptible. There’s no such thing as talent. It’s just time and effort, and it takes a lot of time and effort to even fake being good musically. Just like any other skill, it asks a lot of you. But, unlike the bazillions of dollars and eons of time it takes to be a doctor or lawyer, there is absolutely no guaranteed return for all your hard work learning to play the electric banjo. There are ways to make a living, but they are like navigating a swamp at night without a flashlight, while someone is yelling at you the whole time for some reason. What’s worse about music, is that it’s something we all choose to do, because we really want to. There is some strange, sublime fulfillment that we get out of it. But, ultimately, unless you’re at the right place at the right time, or literally have a flashlight for that swamp, it’ll always be just a ridiculously expensive hobby, that drains you emotionally and mentally. Collect stamps instead.

Blazer out!