Backyard Barbeque Faux Pas

Everyone loves a barbecue. Sometimes, though, the jungle juice flows a bit too freely and Uncle Todd ends up regurgitating the canapés into a flower pot or getting overly friendly with one of your guests. It may not be possible to anticipate all possible disasters for such events, but with some prudent planning, you too can mitigate fallout from a summertime gathering.

Firstly, consider it prudent to include things on your invitation that you might not need for a wintertime celebration. For instance, "Please avoid wearing only a Speedo this year—I don’t have a pool, TODD," printed in embossed cursive on the bottom, can add both an elegant flair and a preventative measure in one fell swoop.

Do make sure that you get plenty of disposable partyware. Paper plates and plastic forks may not seem environmentally conscious these days, but you can get biodegradable options in a range of tasteful colors and styles. This almost goes without saying, but it’s an important step to remember, because a yard full of broken glass or ceramic is easy to prevent with this one easy step. Party stores also carry fun decorations for your outdoor event: balloons, streamers and favors of all shapes and sizes. Just remember, the more you get, the more you must tidy up! Adding a trash or recycling bin within easy access for your guests is a nice touch, but you know Todd won’t use it, so expect to clean a bit no matter what.

Make sure to check your guests’ dietary considerations before you shop for groceries. Allergies are a paramount concern, of course, but these days, it seems like everyone has some new food fad they’re into: veganism, vegetarianism, paleo, gluten-free, raw food, Keto, Atkins, macrobiotic or whatever the kids are doing these days. It’s nice to respect all preferences, if possible. Foods that everyone can agree on can be hard to find, so make certain you include a little something for as many folks as you can. Asking people to specify what sorts of things they can and can’t eat with the RSVP is a great way to cover all your bases. Also, make sure to remind Todd that "ass only" or "pussy only" aren’t real dietary restrictions and to please stop bringing it up all the time.

Good etiquette for summertime parties shouldn’t impede a fun afternoon. However, if certain guests have an inability to maintain their dignity when intoxicated, some helpful measures to take ahead of time might include marking Todd’s cup or making sure you are serving the alcohol, so when he comes to ask for a refill, you can top it off with apple juice and Nyquil (since we all know, after the first cup, he doesn’t even know what’s in there anyway). When he inevitably falls asleep under the shrubbery, you can just make sure he’s comfortable and enjoy the rest of your party. You may also absolve yourself of guilt, if you choose to call the drunk tank wagon for him once he’s asleep—should your other guests find his vomit-stained, immobile, hulking body under your bushes to be upsetting.

Dehydrated or overheated party-goers are never at their best. It’s important to make sure there’s plenty of shade and ice-cold water available for them. If you don’t naturally have a shady area in your yard, fun, stylish party canopies can be rented—or purchased— with ease. It can also be a delightful and inexpensive option to put your hose sprayer or sprinkler to the "mist" setting and aim it into the air near—but, not at—your deck or patio. Make sure Todd’s already passed out if you do this, unless you want a repeat of last year’s public nudity debacle.

Since you must let people into your house to use the restroom now and then, make sure any tempting valuables, dangerous items or special trinkets are stored away (or locked up). It’s not a sign of distrust, just prudence. This way, Grandpa Joe’s urn can’t be broken (again) and no one can shoot themselves in the foot. Easily mixed up items like keys or jewelry can’t go "missing" and "accidents"— like a certain uncle leaving his "mark" in the corner of your bedroom—won’t be of concern. If you’re especially flush with cash, you can even rent a port-a-potty to streamline things—just do make sure it’s chained down securely and can’t be easily tipped over.

Look, you know Todd will be there. Warn people, especially your female friends. If you don’t invite him, he’ll come anyway. You can’t call the cops, because mom will throw a fit if you do and you must have this party, because, at this point, everyone expects it and you can’t let them down. Just buckle in and do your best.

Lastly, gift bags can be a playful addition to any social event and a little bit of labor on your part can really demonstrate that you went the extra mile for your friends who showed up, despite the fact that they all knew he was going to be there.