The Monthly Column: Travel Tips For Summer

Summer is here, after seemingly forever! Time to dip out and go for some R&R* in a far-off land. However, before you can plant your feet at some Relaxation Destination**, you first have to survive the journey there. Don’t worry— these travel tips will see that you get there, more-or-less alive.

When flying, always check in early. Due to the nature of modern passenger aviation, travel experts advise arriving two-to-four hours early. I say that’s not enough. You should arrive early enough to drink at—and get kicked out of—every bar in the airport. This could be upwards of a week in larger airports, so bring comfortable footwear and at least two magazines.

Road trips are great for capturing a feeling of independence and setting your own itinerary. However, the biggest reminders that your independence is an illusion are children...which is why some very progressive states have recently passed laws allowing for the transport of children under 12 in ASPCA-approved travel carriers on a secure roof mount—consult your local government websites to see if your state is one of them.

When at the beach, soliciting strangers to pee on you because of your "jelly fish sting" only works once (plus, they will wise up and drive you off, if you ask multiple people—especially all at once). When not at the beach, it doesn’t work at all.

Some people are giving up traveling and staying home on their vacations. Any wise vacationer knows that travel is very manageable and will shun the "staycationers," to the point where they must successfully travel (and return), in order to be able to interact with their community again.

Remember: if there isn’t a specific federal law against doing it on an airplane, you may do it. The laws forbid things like smoking, tampering with smoke detectors and vaping, but they do not specifically prohibit removing your pants, sumo wrestling, eating a whole jar of pickled eggs or having your kids sell band candy.

In first-class seating, you may be fitted with a Yoganator™, but for those flying coach, try this simple exercise: extend your legs and press your knees, one at a time, against the seat in front of you as rapidly as you can, while humming "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic." This will help you to relieve tension and help calm your fellow passengers, as well.

It is common for people to advise you to travel with a friend—to keep the mood light. But, traveling with an enemy keeps you on your toes.

When on a cruise, they may not allow you to bring your own food or alcohol, forcing you to patronize overpriced buffets and bars. However, they are forbidden from disallowing baby formula or medications, so it’s worth your time to see how much vodka you can fit in a jar of Similac. Pros will float Vienna sausages in the vodka, for a two-in-one taste sensation and a double stick-it-to-the-man.

Most anything of a reasonable size is permitted through airline security checkpoints, if it is in a resealable clear plastic bag. Put everything in resealable clear plastic bags. Your pens, your wallet, your passport, loose pills, various white powders, cigars, keys, hopes, dreams and fantasies. In fact, if you’re not entirely clad in Ziploc™ bags, you may not be allowed to board your flight.

Before flying, that not-particularly- shadowy arm of government intrusions, the TSA, will often conduct full-body sweeps using high-tech millimeter- wave scanners. There used to be the fear that your nude body—clearly visible on their screens—would cause TSA staff to burst into spontaneous fits of vicious masturbation, as seen on that one episode of Dateline. Not anymore, however, as they’ve since been mandated to turn the scanner clarity down to the point where if they want to jack off to your image, it’s remarkably difficult.

If you are "randomly selected" for a more intimate search by the TSA, be sure to do your best impression of Disney’s Goofy while talking to them and bleat out a violent "A-HYUCK," when they feel up your crotch.

If you’ve ever considered one of those things where you "do like the pioneers did" and travel the Oregon Trail in a covered wagon, don’t. Just drive your car to the stops along the way and take pictures with the folks passing through in wagons. People on Instagram will never know that your butt didn’t go numb while riding a wagon pulled by flatulent oxen for 18 hours a day.

Wi-Fi is often available for cheap—or free—on many airlines, ships and trains. This affords you the perfect opportunity to take hilarious real-time "reaction videos" of your fellow passengers when you scream, "OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE" at a random juncture.

Sex tourism now requires a sex passport. You can still get one at the post office, though.

Travel is not just about being in a place—it’s also about the memories you create while getting there. Remind your kids of this, when they point out, as kids often do, that you’re somehow miserable—no matter where you go or what you do.

There you have it. If you follow my advice, you’ll go from a travel zero, to a cool-as-ice travel hero.

Have a safe trip, wherever you go.

*Rage and Rumpshaking.
**Not a song from Schoolhouse Rock, unfortunately.