4 Things You Could Throw Into The Willamette River Besides Those E-Scooters

I know, it must be fun and satisfying, to toss those annoying little electric scooters right into our mighty centerpiece river. I mean, they’re basically being thrown onto our sidewalks and streets just as haphazardly. And, when they’re not knocked over and in the way on your way to whatever the hell it is you’re doing (even as far out as One- Eighty-Fucking-First avenue), you’re being nearly run down or cut off, by the idiot tourists buzzing around on them. At least in the Willamette, they are out of sight (and, out of mind.)

But, I implore you citizens, do not dispose of these nuisances thusly. On the real, acquire a van or a truck and collect the ones knocked over on the sidewalk and charge them—sorry, "juice" them up—for a reward. I’m not making this up—it does require an app or something, but well worth it, if you have the time and vehicle space to store a bunch of these ankle biters. Plus, you can pretend you’re like a bounty hunter and the downed scooters are escaped criminals— who doesn’t want to do that? Nobody? Just me? Okay.

However, this does not satiate the uncontrollable urge to toss things into a river. Believe me, I know there’s nothing like it. However, rather than tossing these tourist attractions, choose from this comprehensive list of other things that are perfectly fine to throw in the Willamette, so you can instead make a buck on those tourist traps.

ORANGE NIKE BIKES

Now, as far as I know, there is no bounty for those orange Nike tourist bikes and they are also a lot harder to round up in the back of a truck. As annoying as these new scooters are, let’s face it, the bikes have been annoying for longer and they take up a lot more space. If you commute to work by bike, you’re usually safe, as the assholes who ride these are normally just putzing around on the weekend. However, as with anyone who’s ever been caught behind a flock of these when they needed to be somewhere, it would take very little convincing on my end to knock a meanderer off the orange eyesore and chuck it into the river—preferably, while they’re taking their sweet-ass time crossing one of the bridges. They can’t get mad at you, since they can just go grab another one and you get the satisfaction of throwing something in the Willamette.

YOUR CD COLLECTION

Honestly, if you still have one of these, you should throw yourself in the Willamette as well, you fucking troglodyte. Why do you still have CDs? You’ve heard of Spotify, right? And, even if you amassed this collection over several decades, why haven’t you ripped it onto a hard drive, to free up some shelf space? The only more useless thing would be an 8-track collection. I’d say a cassette collection would be equally embarrassing, but the hipsters have deemed cassettes cool again, for some dumb fucking reason. The point is, it’s not a record collection—it has no value anymore. Seriously. Would you rather get the stink eye at CD & Game Exchange, for bringing in boxes and boxes of your collection of obsolete media, that you started in the ‘90s, only to receive ten whole dollars of in-store credit? Or, would you rather watch all those shiny discs flicker in the sunlight, as you dump them into the glistening green waters of the Willamette? The choice is obvious. Throw your old iPods in there too, while you’re at it. Those are basically just doorstops now, anyway.

USED CAR BATTERIES

Now, I’m not certain on the legality of throwing your used car batteries into a river. However, I know it is perfectly legal—and, in fact, encouraged by certain Facebook groups—that you should not only dispose of your used car batteries in the ocean, but you should do so multiple times, if possible. There really is no better feeling, than standing on a picturesque cliff overlooking the sea, then chucking your old car battery into the frothy abyss. You could also take it to an auto parts store, if you hate fun. My point is, the only difference between the ocean and the river is some salt and the occasional island of plastic. It seems perfectly reasonable that the police would have little trouble with you parking on our newly renovated Morrison Bridge and chucking all your and your friend’s used car batteries into our famous river. Make a day of it!

STOLEN COMPONENTS OF A HOMELESS CAMP

We can’t leave the owners of breweries and tattoo artists to do all the work. It’s time we do our part, too. However, rather than causing direct harm to the street vagrants, simply wait ‘til mid-afternoon or so, when their meth high has worn off and they’re fast asleep, before simply picking apart their abode composed of shopping carts, dismembered stolen bikes and tarps. Then, just toss them in the river. I suggest doing this at the camps closest to the river, to save yourself hauling the heavy shit. Some of these shanty towns are set up right on the esplanade, so they do half the work for you. Plus, homeless people are like Ringwraiths—they can’t go into water or something. I dunno. Two bonuses for having this be your choice of item to throw in the river are as follows: first, you might recover at least the frame of the bike those bastards stole from you (in which case, you can give it a proper river burial) and second, you can continue to toss parts of their camp into river overtime, then post up nearby and watch them wake up from their meth nap and make a scene trying to figure out who stole all the stuff they stole. Bring a chair and popcorn. Heckle them. Wait ‘til they fall asleep, then grab another stolen wheelchair and toss it in the great east-west dividing line of our city. Repeat this until, you get bored.