Tales From The DJ Booth: Tips To Avoid Burning Out As A Strip Club Employee

I’ve been turning into a cranky old man. That, and I’ve also been traveling a bit (don’t worry, I haven’t bought a used BMW just yet), which usually means I just head to another town and check out their strip clubs. While I love the local scene (Portland and Salem, especially), I’ve noticed a bit of a virus taking over our corner of the map—that being complacency— when you get too used to any job (even a fun job), it shows. So, before we hit the seasonal depression months (which can span well into February, depending on how much rain, snow and California transplants we acquire between now and then), let’s address a few things that everyone in the strip club industry (not limited to dancers) has fallen victim to, at least once.

DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE

A lot of entertainers, including those outside of the strip club industry, seem to have forgotten about the purpose of their job, which is to entertain. This means not only entertaining in the traditional sense, but also in more subtle ways: strippers need to "entertain" the idea that they are often the literal object of someone’s affection or perhaps "entertain" a particular customer’s fucked-up fantasy. DJs are often required to entertain requests, or even worse, entertain the idea that Post Malone is good music. My original DJ mentor, Zoth, gave me the best advice I’ve ever received as a dance commander. He asked me, "What would you do if a customer asked you for Limp Bizkit?" I replied, "Tell him to go back to the mall and buy a poster?" "Wrong," Zoth said. "You take his tip, play Limp Bizkit, nod your head and act like it’s the best song ever." And, Zoth was correct. There is no quicker way to bankruptcy in the entertainment industry, than by being too cool or smug for your audience. Don’t believe me? Check out the pre-order fiasco surrounding Battlefield V, the like-to-dislike ratio on any MTV Decoded video or the audience rating on the latest Star Wars films; pretending to be better than your audience may score you followers, but it’s gonna fuck up your bottom line.

HUNGRY? GRAB A SNICKERS

On the same tip as pretending to entertain, not entertaining is, by default, not doing your job. For instance, strippers who come to work bitter, angry or depressed (and, can’t hide it with makeup or fake smile) are not only costing themselves money, but they will cause a chain reaction, in which a DJ is stuck playing Evanescence while other dancers start to get annoyed, regular customers begin to feel sad and tired for some reason and so on, until the happiest place in Portland becomes a flu dream full of frowns and sadness. Energy is contagious and every drop of energy in a strip club should be positive. You’d be surprised how easy it is to make money, if your entire club is filled with upbeat and positive staff. As cheesy as it sounds, attitude is everything... as long as you’re also fit, sexy and talented. This brings me to my next point...

GET IN WHERE YOU FIT IN

YouTube may be full of empowering videos instructing brave women to ignore beauty standards and be more body positive, but that’s not going to work in real life. Yeah, if your boss at the tech start-up has a "no fat chicks" sign on his office wall, that’s not cool. But, the strip club industry is no different than any other element of the adult entertainment industry: most customers will give their money to a specific type, and yes, that type is usually fit, symmetrical and in accordance to a biologically preferred hip-to-waist ratio. Boob sizes, butts, MILF status, skin color and height is all arbitrary. Call it nature, call it the patriarchy or just call it men being men— a strip club full of non-traditional "brave" beauty standards appeals to us as much as a room full of homeless bachelors would appeal to women seeking fantasy husbands.

Now, there is good news. For one, the verdict is always fluctuating on things like tattoos, age and even weight (I’m still trying to find backers for my plus-sized strip club, Tremors). While some clubs won’t hire girls who have tats, others practically require them. Some spots are big on young dancers, but others won’t touch minors with a ten-foot spinny pole. Certain clubs feature a consistent roster of dancers who seem to never age, while others toss girls out as soon as they report for their third shift. So, unless you’re missing three limbs, have seriously bad body odor, refuse to shave your elbows and consider dentists to be members of the alt-right, then you’re probably able to find a club. This means, don’t take it out on clubs that you don’t fit in with. If you’re a rock girl, don’t show up to Hood Bitchez Traphouse and ask the DJ to play Slayer. On the same tip, if you’re into the thug life, perhaps a shift at Hillbilly Jim’s Pole Barn isn’t your ideal fit.

So, with all that said, keep in mind that I’m a tired, washed-up old fuck who thinks 2Pac’s last CD counts as new rap. I’m out of shape, bitter and gray. But, sometimes you can take advice from your elders. And, if you think I’m full of shit, hit the stage and prove it. Money talks—everyone else ends up marrying a bassist and settling down.