Green Room Diaries: Why Your Dispensary Is Failing

Let’s get this out of the way—if you work at or own a dispensary, you’re selling pot. Sure, it’s "medicine" for some folks, but let’s not forget that Southern Comfort started out as a cold remedy, modern day cold remedies are used to make meth, and despite how many cancer patients still have good lungs, blunts don’t have the same medicinal benefit as CBD. Make no mistake about it, you’re a glorified drug dealer, who caters to a clientele that just wants to get high.

So, with that said, let’s talk about why your dispensary—a business that has no shortage of demand and requires no advertising, outside of a green sign—is losing money.

YOU TAKE YOUR BUSINESS TOO SERIOUSLY

Glass cases. Wooden floors. Electronic menus. We get it, you wanted a taphouse but lacked the start-up capital. That, or you think you’re Apple, revolutionizing the weed industry by only throwing money at form, while entirely ignoring function. Either way, it’s a bad look. Even worse, these "elite" dispensaries often rely on test results, strain names, photographs, brand slogans...anything but an actual sample of the weed being sold. One spot that I used to frequent now only sells weed in pre-sealed bags, with a cool logo and enough protection to make sure children of all ages (up to and including 38) will require a chainsaw to open it. Look, I have trust issues and live by the "let me look at it and take a whiff, before spending any money on it" rule, which also applies to weed.

You’re also alienating your first-time customers with the smug, upper-echelon attitude, as a list of weed strains lab stats is about as useful to dispensary customers as a list of dancer names is to a first-time customer. For example:

"Got any hot dancers?"
"We have Becky, Destiny and Crystale."
"Yeah, but are they hot?"
"Crystale is 24."
"So.? What does she look like?"
"Becky is local, from Oregon City."
"Great, can she give a good lap dance?"
"Destiny just came in last week."
"Can I at least see a picture?"
"Sir, let me repeat this - all three of these girls are organic contest winners."

Worst. Door guy. Ever.

YOU DON’T TAKE YOUR BUSINESS SERIOUSLY AT ALL

I was on my way to a movie the other week, with thirty minutes to spare. So, I figured the place that had a banner advertising "$3 Joints" would be a good stop. However, after walking in, I immediately regretted my decision—everyone behind the counter appeared to be a teenager, loud-ass music (late-era Sublime, pop Tech N9ne, etc.) was causing customers to scream in order to speak with staff, and after a twenty minute ordeal (in which a clearly-new employee punched my information into her Windows 98 desktop one finger at a time...no exaggeration), a middle-aged woman—clearly a manager or possibly the owner—emerged from the back and asked if anyone needed anything from Del Taco.

Was the weed I was about to buy Indica? Sativa? Hybrid? Nope, it was "good and local." Could I see a sample? "Umm...hold on, I’m new." Meanwhile, two dudes who appear to have worked at the spot for much longer than Tina Trainee are chatting with an already-served customer about a local rap show, "some bitch" who caused a shooting and how it sucks for business. I’m sorry, Pre Malone, but every other dispensary in East Salem is doing fine. Shut up and help that little girl take money from me. Also, no, I don’t want you to store my info for "next time," but it appears the 13-year old with my state-issued documents is writing it down anyways. I’m not a fan of the O.L.C.C., but they sure seem to be laxed with the whole "if you can see over the counter, you can slang pounds" stance. I got a felony for an ounce as an adult, not too many years ago, and here’s Skylar Lee weighing up hash oil. Maybe I’m just old, but it’s a pot dispensary, not a cell phone case kiosk in the mall. Hire a fucking adult or two.

YOU DON’T GET HIGH ON YOUR OWN SUPPLY

Unlike crack or heroin, you should get high on your own supply, if you’re going to be selling pot. The only addictive side effects of weed are already present in your life, if you own a dispensary: Bob Marley posters all over the place, slang that should have been left in the ‘90s, a constant need to talk about conspiracy theories and a steady diet of pizza from the place next door. So, what have you got to lose, by sampling some of that No Idea What This Is Kush or the We Just Got This In Dream? You work with pot, not diamonds. Take some home, get to know what you’re selling the folks who pay your rent and act like the thousands of people willing to take your job actually exist.