How Your Bartender Knows You’re On A Tinder Date

For better or for worse, Tinder is the way people are looking to connect with each other. Gone are the days of just organically meeting in person, for the most part. As long as there’s a bar serving liquor somewhere, there will be sloppy hookups and regrettable one-night stands. It’s not a bad thing, necessarily. We do nearly everything online now, so why not this, too?

Because I talk to people for a living, online dating isn’t for me. I’ve tried it at various times in my singledom. My experience with it wasn’t necessarily bad. It was just fine—just okay. I can’t look at a few pictures and a carefully constructed paragraph, and know if we’re going to get along, much less have any sort of sexual or romantic chemistry. I have to see you in person, pick your brain, see how you hold your liquor, find out your intelligence level and gauge your sense of humor. I know, be cause I serve a lot of very attractive people in my bar—some of whom I can’t stand to listen to. Some are straight up assholes and the comments I hear them make let me know that I would never want to spend a minute of my time with them—at least when I’m not getting paid to. I serve a lot of aver age-looking people who are some of the kindest, funniest and interesting people I’ve met...which makes them exponentially more attractive to me... something I wouldn’t have known, had I just saw a picture that wasn’t initially super appealing—I may have swiped left and missed out on someone I truly click with. That leaves you with night after night of dates with a stranger. I only have one-to-two nights in my week where I’m not closing the bar. I wasn’t willing to waste that time going on awkward dates with someone I don’t know, just for it to probably not be a match. If it did turn out to be an okay match, it would lead to mediocre sex—may be more than once, only for one of us to stop texting the other and that’s it. Blah. I’ll pass.

Then, there are the people who use Tinder strictly for sex, now that Craigslist put the end to it on their site. I’m all for that, just as long as everyone is up front about what it is. Maybe one day there will be a new app designed just for those seeking sex and those wanting to provide. Maybe there already is (I mean, there sort of already is and it’s called Grindr). I’m in a unique position in my line of work, where I can meet a lot of people five nights a week. I realize most people don’t get this luxury, therefore, Tinder is the option.

I hate to burst your bubble, but a bartender can tell if you are on a Tinder date almost the moment you walk in the door. One person usually walks in first, sits at the bar, will be offered a drink and they will say, "Can I start with a water? I’m waiting for someone." Or, if you arrive together, there’s always a weird awkwardness about whether there will be separate tabs or paying together. There will be an uncomfortable hug. Then, conversation that makes it obvious this is the first time meeting. Exchanging basic information—"Where do you work?" "What part of town do you live?" "Where did you move here from?"—that sort of thing. I’m not going to sugarcoat it: when we see a Tinder date happening, we alert everyone else working (sometimes the regulars, too) and watch and comment on how well or not it’s going. We also pour drinks different ly, depending on how well your date is going. We’ll under pour someone being a jerk. We’ll pour generously for someone who looks like they need it. We also keep an eye on it and extend help if some one becomes noticeably uncomfortable. Some Tinder date stereotypes exist and we see them night after night. Here are a few:

Bob Dylan Or Cynthia Plath AKA The Intellectual

They show up extremely early to the date and sit at the bar—sometimes up to an hour early, to ensure they’ll be there first. They’ll usually just have a water or a soda and bitters, just to give off the message that bars aren’t normally their thing. They will have a book with them to read, always hard-bound, always of deep thinking and challenging content that most people couldn’t understand. They will sit and read, right at the bar, on a busy Friday night. They will be sighing, giving judgmental looks to others, in an effort to show how above all this tom foolery they are. Their date will arrive, to find them already there, head down in a book, brooding over

the very pedantic nature of it all. More than likely, the arriving person picked my bar as the meeting place and they want to send the message that this is something they are enduring on the other person’s behalf. There will be no fun or lighthearted conversations. The intellectual has no time for that. This is a time for deep, meaningful conversation. I mean, they brought a book. Didn’t you see it? All in an effort to disguise that they ultimately want sex, too, but only if you recognize their superior intelligence and deep thinking. This person will be absolutely terrible in bed and even more of a pain in the ass (not in the fun way). They will want to show off their specially cultivated record collection, that you won’t understand or get anyway. Their apartment will be "minimalist," because they don’t believe in capitalism (but, really, it’s because they are too fucking difficult and special to hold any real job be sides an occasional DJ spot at a local radio station). Pro tip: don’t expect this person to have any sort of amenities when you go home with them—this includes beverages, heat, AC, shampoo or sheets on the mattress.

Scrubs AKA The Freeloader

This person has figured out how to game the system. They are probably reasonably attractive. Enough so, that they can go on a few different dates a week. They always have a story, such as a recent money crisis that has left them a little light, but they’d love to still meet anyway. They show up and just order a water until the date arrives. The date orders a drink, notices they just have a water and order them a drink too—remembering that they’re having a bit of a financial issue at the moment. The night goes on. The drinks keep coming—all on the date’s tab. They don’t mind, because everything is going so well. So well, in fact, they know the other person will get them on the next date that they are sure will happen soon. Both leave. The Freeloader never calls them, but they show up at my bar with a different person the next night with the same story. The cycle repeats, as The Freeloader has figured out how to drink and have sex for free, with no accountability. Bonus points if they actually have a high-paying job, have nowhere near any money problems and live across the street from the bar, in one of the million-dollar townhouses.

The Addict

Addiction takes on many forms and the brain is susceptible to become addicted to damned near anything. Tinder addicts are real. They spend their entire free time seeking dates, cultivating their on line presence, setting up different dates any time they can and with as many people as possible. I have customers that, no joke, come in every single night with a different date. Some tip me extra, to not let on that I see them in there all the time. Some tip me even more, to pretend I’ve never seen them before in my life. Some aren’t smart enough to go to any other bar and get embarrassed when I know their drink and mistake their date as the person from last night. Some, I notice, say the exact same things to everyone they bring in there. Some use new material and, personally, I don’t know how they do it—seems exhausting. Even creepier, some come in with a different person every night and each date is an identical clone of each other. Like, they have a specific "type" and I have to be careful not to say, "Welcome back."

The Rejected

One of the hardest to watch is when two people meet for the first time, go to sit down to talk and before the first drink is done, one of them gets up and leaves saying, "This isn’t a match."This happens more often than you think. How bad must it hurt, that someone couldn’t even get through one drink with you, even out of social politeness? The reject ed person’s face, after that happens, is so tragic. They either abandon their drink and slink out, or they stay and order a shot completely crestfallen, as they question why their entire existence in indigestible. That is some sad shit. We are all people, looking for connections at the end of the day. The disposable dating culture makes some people for get that. Fuck that. You don’t have to be into them, but don’t be a dick. I hate to say it, but nine times out of ten, it’s a woman doing this. You’re not better than your date, okay? Be nice.

The Autobiographer

Fuck these people in general. You don’t necessarily have to be on a date with one of these people to know what I’m talking about. This person is only interested in talking about themselves, never letting the other person interject or getting a word in edgewise, never asking any leading questions, cutting the other person off when they do try to join the conversation—it’s all about them and it’s positively painful to observe. If you want a microphone, start a YouTube channel or a blog. Believe it or not, you are not that fucking interesting. You’re like the soccer mom who thinks their precious child is a genius. I wonder why dating isn’t going well for you.

The No-Effort Date

They show up late, ratty T-shirt, dirty hair, clearly sending the message, "I don’t give a fuck." It’s like, sure, dating can be casual. But, in reality, you’re giving a first impression and ultimately selling your self. The smallest amount of effort should hap pen. You shouldn’t come to the date fresh off the Sandy river, coming off a day drunk, with sand on your feet, smelling like B.O. and stale joints. I know, you’re trying to show the "real you." You’re not fancy. This is you, love it or leave it. Fact is, the real you couldn’t meet someone in real life. Tinder is going to be no different.

The Lamb

Once in a while, you’ll get a sweet soul that shows up to await their date and it’s the legit first time they’ve ever done this. Sometimes, they just got out of a long relationship or marriage. Sometimes, they come from a strict religious background. Sometimes, they’re trying something new, like coming out for the first time and attempting to date as their authentic selves. Other times, they’ve just moved here from a one-horse town and are trying to meet new people. I feel for these little lambs being lead to the slaughter. They have no idea what they’re doing and no idea how to play the game. I hover over these precious ones. I’ll give them a code word. I also under-pour the both of them and set the little lamb’s drink behind the bar when they go to the restroom. Protect the innocent, as they are the most precious.

The Make-Out Couple

They show up, meet and after two drinks, they are feeling each other up and making out unabashedly in a booth, regardless of who’s looking or what time of day it is. For whatever reason, it’s usually the same demographic. They are usually middle aged or older. They either both just got a divorce, it’s their first time dating anyone new in decades or they are straight up having an affair. Regardless, it’s always awkward, weirdly gross, weirdly hot and it usually doesn’t stop for hours. Go home or get a hotel. We know you have money for both, you silver foxes!

The Illusionist

I would be remiss to not mention this. Of course, I’m referring to the person who looks nothing like their pictures or how they presented online. It’s not just looks (although, that’s a huge one). It could be about anything: their job, family, children, relationship status, income...you name it. You have to wonder what that person is thinking, as they go to meet up with someone who they know full well will be instantly disappointed. Why waste anyone’s time in their scenario? You have nothing to lose by posting actual pictures of yourself, as is. If someone swipes right on you, rad. They’re into it. If you post non-representative photos, what is the gain for you, when you go meet that person? How do you deal with the look of disappointment? Do you honestly think someone will just say, "Fuck it. I guess I’m already here. Might as well..."? Also, on the other side, how do you let someone down, who looks nothing like the person you thought you were meeting up with? What an odd waste of time and energy.

The Oblivious Asshole

They come in many forms. I can’t say how many times I’ve seen someone on a Tinder date, and when the other person gets up to go to the bath room, they are looking on Tinder. Tindering on a Tinder date. That’s where we are, people. That’s a dick move. Bonus points if the date notices. Also, when the guy on the Tinder date tries to slip me his number, when the date isn’t looking. That shit I’ll call out immediately. "Oh! Aren’t you already on a date with that girl? I’m not interested in someone who would do that." Girls who start hitting on other guys at the bar, while their date looks on...it’s end less. Have some class.

The "Spanish Fly"

So you’re on Tinder. You say in your bio, "looking for a relationship." Someone messages you. You meet with them and they just want to bang. You’re not really into that. Fucking say what you want. If you want to seek fun hookups, say so. If you’re not seeking a hookup, say that too. Don’t misrepresent. Stop wasting everyone’s time, including your own. Don’t show up to the bar all over-sexed, plying your hands all over someone who wanted to go on an actual date. You both leave very disappointed. If you wanna creep, creep. Just be honest about it.

"The Crazies" AKA Fatal Attraction

Duh. Crazy people use this app, too. And, you may be on a date with one of them. They can keep it together long enough in the messages they use to get you on the date, then the veil slowly drops. You literally never know who people are online. They may start messaging you incessantly, take you home for crazy sex before claiming to be pregnant, become possessive, stalk—the bottom line is, you don’t know who you’re meeting. Remember, while you’re in the bar, we are there to look after you. Once you leave, you’re on your own. Pro tip: if the girl you just met wants to go home and do gymnastic tricks on your dick less than an hour after meeting you, this is perhaps a crazy red flag. I know you want to believe differently so badly. Sorry.

The Squeaky Cleans

Every now and then, I hear about people who meet on Tinder and go on coffee dates in the morning or afternoon. Or, for hikes. Sometimes, they do brunch. I can’t fucking imagine. Can you picture going to brunch with a complete stranger that didn’t involve a one-night stand the night before? No booze? Daylight??? A hike!? Hours with a stranger sober, with no immediate means of escape? Unless you are over the age of 50 (or, you both met in rehab), this is unacceptable. These people are crazier than any of the rest.

Do bartenders notice Tinder dates? Yes. Do we make bets on the outcome? Yes. Are we making fun of you? Sometimes, yes. Keep the entertainment coming.