Halloween Dating Tips

The season for sexy costumes and crazy theme parties is here. And, what better way to hook a guy or girl, than by looking your absolute best? Plastic fangs askew, smeared with fake blood and smelling like candy and booze??? I certainly can’t think of one, short of revealing your fetishes to polite—but, uneasy—strangers on the bus.

Costume Pointers

This year, make your costume stand out from the rest, by using real blood. It’ll be utterly and completely unique, and even though it smells like death, it will definitely get you noticed. Also, Countess Bathory taught us that blood is great for the skin, so that’s a bonus!

If your costume is any kind of demon, devil, vampire, gas station attendant or whatever, you should definitely file your teeth to points. People are on the lookout for someone eager to settle down, and nothing says "commitment," like permanently altering your appearance, solely for the sake of one night.

Sexy costumes are great, but in this new era of awareness about sexual harassment and transgressions, you have to balance social concern when you plan your outfit. That’s why "Sexy Louis CK" is off the table, but "Proud, Confident, Genderfluid Social Worker" is in.

Covering your body in candy is a fun costume idea. As people pull them off, one by one (trick or treat!), your body becomes more exposed. However, if you do this in public, and are creepily aggressive enough about it, you may also get a free ride to the police station (and, possibly, a complimentary beating).

Meeting People

Blind dates can be lots of fun, and Halloween is a great time for your friends to set you up with a stranger for the evening’s festivities. The general idea of the masquerade costume party is that you keep your disguises on throughout most of the evening, until midnight, so you can figure out if you like their personality (or, at least, what you can see of their ass). That way, when you take your masks off and see that your date is a slagheap of ugly, it can be weighed against how amusing they were beforehand.

Parties can be a huge bummer, if you’re feeling lonely. It’s hard to be social with people you don’t know, or even sometimes with people that you do know. If you see a foxy babe or a handsome dude, sometimes it can be hard to talk to them. We’ve all felt awkward and shy from time to time, and that’s why god invented booze. You should—if you’re on the hunt for romance this spooky season—get drunk. Get drunk and stay drunk. Ideally, between now and...oh, let’s just be safe and say New Year’s Day. Not too drunk, though, but juuuuuust buzzed enough, so that you’re 5% funnier, 10% louder and 30% more tolerant of idiots. This way, your personal bar will be lowered just to the point that a guy dressed as a meme with the tattoo of a religious symbol he saw in his therapist’s office, or a girl whose big tits and sexy cat costume can’t hide her severe acne and pungent halitosis, will do just fine. Until you sober up, of course. But, that’s months away, and is a problem for "future you."

Giving out candy can be a great way to meet new people. Unfortunately, all those people are parents and their horrible, demon seed children. Nevertheless, if you’re not into going to parties, you should take advantage of the opportunity to meet single parents and wear a costume so revealing, that if you went outside any farther than your porch, you’d be arrested immediately. Their kids don’t know what’s going on and have eyes only for candy. But, you’ll definitely get noticed, if you give out treats in your "Three Pieces Of Tape And Nothing Else" costume.

Getting The Internet Involved

Everyone’s doing app dating now, so it’s easier than ever to find a person you’re into. This season, show your dedication to Halloween, by changing all your dating profile photos to ones of you dropping a garbage bag wrapped "body" over the side of a boat, into the dark, cold water below...or, maybe, one of you in a bathtub filled with "fake" blood and viscera. Is it fake? Only you know for sure! Everyone loves thematic comedy like this and it’s guaranteed to get all the right swipes.

App and internet dating can be tricky, because you’re never certain of what you’re getting yourself into. This random person you’re meeting could be an ax murderer for all you know! That’s why it’s best, for your own safety, to bring your own hatchet, ax or splitting maul with you on any dates, as a precautionary measure. You could even make your costume "Ax Murderer" and be done with it. Just make sure that if you do, you clean it really well first, so there’s none of the last "date" left on it.

Troubleshooting

Having trouble telling if someone is attractive under that mask? Look for other markers, to tell if you’re on the right track. The appearance of hands and feet can be a good indicator, if you want to measure someone’s age or health, as well as general posture and their height and weight. To be sure, though, just grab their crotch unannounced and exclaim "pass" or "fail," loudly enough that everyone in the vicinity can hear their grade clearly. Assertiveness is hot.

If, at the end of the evening, your very attractive date takes off their human face and reveals themselves to be a demon, zombie or rotting corpse, don’t immediately shut them down. Acceptance is in and bigotry is out. Follow your heart—you never know if you could grow to love the smell of decaying flesh, unless you try it out. Plus, you’ll be on the front lines, to help increase awareness about inter-mortality relationships.

Hopefully, these tips will help you have a romantically productive Halloween, regardless of what you end up doing.

Happy hauntings!

-E