Green Room Diaries: High On Halloween

Halloween should be any stoner’s favorite holiday. To hell with 4/20, October is a time when the buds get trimmed, the candy is given away freely and it’s actually socially acceptable to scare children. But, for me, it’s special because I hate doing shit with other people, but I do enjoy getting out. Thus, Halloween makes it less awkward for my loopy self, as the options for marijuana-friendly entertainment are abundant. Sure, you can’t smoke up in the parking lot of every haunt or cemetery in the area, but that’s what vape pens are for.

With all that out of the way, here are the places I plan on getting stoned and attending this Halloween season...

House Of Shadows (Gresham, OR)

So, I normally don’t plug Halloween haunts in my columns, but my friend Crystal is working out at House Of Shadows this year, and I promised her I’d mention it in my column. But, it turns out, House Of Shadows is one of those super popular, award-winning type of haunts that features "full contact." Sadly, I really don’t like a lot of people touching me (except for people that I know, like my friend Crystal), so I probably won’t be hitting up that haunt. However, if you think you’re too badass to get scared, I suggest you trek out to Gresham and peep their haunt. Trust me, being in Gresham will be the least scary aspect of your trip to House Of Shadows. This place gets better and better every year, to the point where, by 2020, they will be feeding people to pigs and forcing their loved ones to watch.

The Nightmare Factory Oregon School For The Deaf (Salem, OR)

Okay, I may be an awful, awful person for saying this, but I think this event is scary for the simple fact that, in this particular haunt, literally no one can hear you scream. One also has to consider the seemingly peaceful state that the deaf participants must be in, compared to other Halloween haunt actors. Plus, if someone actually makes one of the actors cry out in fear, it will likely be very distinguishable from the rest of the screams, adding to the ambiance of terror and the unexpected. I wish I could learn more about the haunt, but the YouTube videos for Nightmare Factory are all done in sign language, with no captions! It’s almost as if the deaf have either a weird sense of self-hatred or the most fantastic sense of humor around.

Halloween Town (St. Helens, OR)

For the entire month of October, St. Helens transforms into a real-life version of whatever Disney movie they filmed there (I’m at a loss for the name). Last year, I rolled out with some buddies and we mingled with the locals. The bad news? Their haunt isn’t that scary, most of the "attractions" are just shit you can get in any near-coastal town in Oregon and the Mexican food place took over an hour to serve up three Cali-style street tacos. The good news, on the other hand, is that the entire town resembles Halloween—every day of the year. You can trek through downtown St. Helens on a Tuesday in February and you’re still just as likely to run into a creepy old man who warns you to stay away from the cemetery, as you are any day in October. In fact, I’m pretty sure the "Pet Sematary" sign they put up for Halloween Town is stuck into a pile of actual dead cats that the city just forgot to clean up.

Lafayette Cemetery (Lafayette, OR)

Now this shit is legitimately scary: way back in the day, the townspeople of Lafayette burned some chick at the stake (or whatever they did to witches back then). Wait, no...it was her son that they killed, and then this chick who claimed to be a witch burned the whole town down. Perhaps, I’m getting my stories mixed up, but I’m too high to Google that shit right now. Regardless, some crazy bitch in Lafayette told the town that it would burn to the ground three times, and so far, it’s burned down twice! This lady is apparently buried at the Lafayette Cemetery and she supposedly haunts the area late at night.

I’m planning on hitting this place for a few blunts and some photography, so I did my research. And, sure enough, the place is "totes def haunted AF," according to a white girl YouTuber who provided me with my much-needed research. At first, I didn’t believe her, but if you watch the rest of the videos on her channel, she clearly goes from being in a relationship, to breaking up, to visiting the cemetery, to being in a totally different relationship with an equally camera-unfriendly boyfriend. In other words, visiting this place can launch you from the peaceful realm of singlehood and freedom, into the dark and desolate land of relationships and commitment. This is why I’m going here, hoping to meet the love of my life. Then, if I’m ever killed by the locals, she can burn the town down for me. Two birds, one stoner.

An Actual Slaughterhouse (Newberg, OR, probably)

I’m sure there’s a way to ask a polite, old farmer for a tour of his cattle death camp, and, goddamnit, I’m gonna find out how to do so. This will not be a repeat of the Goonies house fiasco, in which I was escorted away from some old lady’s porch by the meanest cops Astoria has to offer. No, no, no...I am fucking doing this. Headphones on, loud-ass Slayer playing South Of Heaven, while I watch the biggest domesticated creature of our time have its blood drained from its neck, all in an effort to put steak on my ungrateful table and milk in the shitty coffee that the girls at Dutch always ruin—total immersion into the cycle of life and death, all while inhaling the scent of decay and rotting flesh, and listening to some sick guitar riffs...

Plus, the farmer probably has a really nice wife named "Agnes," who makes cookies for her visitors. I fucking love cookies.