The Monthly Column: Halloween Dos, Don’ts And Golden Rules

It’s that time of year again! No, not time to have your kids deloused for the year—time for Halloween! That means costumes, sweets and drug-addled, drunken cavorting (not to mention what the adults get up to). However, as with anything, there’s a right way and a wrong way to proceed during Spooking Season. So, I’ve come up with a list of various dos and don’ts, to firmly abide by, lest you disgrace the honor of your forebears or something like that.

Do...

Dress appropriately. It can get cold out, and the last thing you want is to be breaking into your cache of prescription painkillers early for that numb, warming blanket of opiate haze.

Be sure to dress in a costume that won’t get you shot, such as "50 Cent" or "black guy minding his own business."

Make certain that your costume hides your identity (bonus if it also hides or obfuscates your fingerprints).

Bring a flask or, failing that, a Big Gulp™ cup full of malt liquor, for when you take the kids trick-or-treating.

Have all trick-or-treat candy X-rayed or checked for drugs...if you’re a colossal wuss.

Use extra caution accepting freshly baked goods from any house. Your safest bet is to whip them at passing cars, instead of eating them.

Encourage child "fight clubs" to sap the kids’ energy after all that sugar.

Pre-game for, like, the whole day before Halloween. It’s a special occasion, so you need your liver and kidneys throwing their "A" game.

Know the laws in your area. It is generally illegal to have exposed genitalia in public, even as part of a costume.

Remember that black powder firearms are not legally considered real guns*, so your cowboy, revolutionary, Civil War, steampunk or pirate costume can be super authentic without legal issues, and if someone tries to rob you, a half-inch musket ball will ruin their day worse than a "real" bullet.

Put effort into it, if you dress up. People can tell you’re just there for the beer, if you’re dressed as "guy without socks."

Remember that if your costume is pot-themed, you better bring enough to go around, Bluntman.

Don’t...

Be stingy with treats, if you end up "working the door" for candy-seeking youngsters—unless they clearly didn’t try, at which point you can give them very little (or, just hurl it at them as hard as you can).

Go trick-or-treating before sundown, unless you want absolutely everybody to be unhappy.

Forget a sack of dogshit (and gloves, for hygiene) to place in the mailboxes of anyone who would dare to hand out raisins or other non-candy items. Double the amount if they hand out toothbrushes. Goddamned dentists...

Have sex with a stranger in the bathroom at a costume party. Well, unless their costume is really A-plus.

Let any children walk alone. If you see any kids out on their own, incorporate them into your own group of trick-or-treaters, haze them mercilessly and divide their candy among your kids.

Use Halloween as an excuse to "dress sexy." If that’s your thing, you could be doing that every day. Taking regular costumes and making them "sexy" is for amateurs. Make people afraid. Use Halloween as an excuse to dress as a supporting character in a tale of drug addiction. You’re already doing that every day, and dressing like Sid Vicious isn’t fooling anyone.

Dress like Hitler (or any Nazi). People are unforgiving, due to their historical rottenness. Dress like Stalin, Mao, Lenin or any other given Communist—they are far more likely to get a pass on the whole historical rottenness thing, for some reason. Bonus points if people recognize your Pol Pot costume.

Dress like a contemporary political figure. It’s not cute. It’s not clever. It’s just a depressing reminder of reality. You’re not whining on social media this night for a reason, and that reason is mirth and escapism.

Forget that if you’re taking a cab or car service like Lyft, children ride free if they’re stuffed into sacks and put in the trunk.

Dress like Batman, unless your gravelly Batman voice sounds like you’re waiting for the Imodium to kick in.

Golden Rules

The drunkest adult has to take the kids trick-or-treating, so pace yourself.

Nobody really puts drugs in Halloween candy—you will have to bring your own.

If a stranger invites your kids into their house, let them go in on their own. The fun doesn’t really start until nobody can see what’s going on.

Sugar exacerbates hangovers and increases the likelihood of having one. With that said, you don’t get hangovers if you stay drunk.

If you’re going to dress up, do so with passion. People will overlook that you’re a skinny, white kid from Beaverton, Oregon, if your Ol’ Dirty Bastard costume is heartfelt enough.

If you get complimented on your Guy Fieri costume, but you’re not dressed up, you should go home and weep softly into the open bell of a tuba.

So, there you have it. A simple cluster of guidelines, to help make your Halloween more enjoyable, whether or not you have kids, go to a party or get in a horrible accident that maims your face. Stay safe out there, people.

*This is 100% true, federally, but check your local laws, just in case. Additionally, they’re expensive, just like "real" guns are.