Jonas Does Portland: Five Sexual Encounters With Five Different Religions

I’m not going to lie and say I’m some swinging- dick Lothario or something—I’m not that at all. My dick is acceptable, but not big. Like, when it’s fuck time and my dick comes out, she knows she isn’t getting hurt...physically or emotionally. It does the job and it’s always served me well, but I haven’t racked up any huge numbers. What I have done, however, is fucked a large variety. I don’t have a "type" that I stick to, so I’m open to all sorts of looks. I’m attracted to many different things and it’s led to a wide range of partners. Up until recently, I had never put any thought into what a person’s religion meant in the bedroom. After looking into it, though, it turns out they’re drastically different (for the most part). So, here’s five sexual encounters with five different religions.

Mormon

One of my earliest sexual partners was a Mormon girl (I’m not dropping names in any of these stories, just so you know). But, yeah, early in my sex life, I was dating a girl that was pretty staunchly Mormon. She’d grown up in the church and was active with LDS (Latter Day Saints) members, so it was surprising to me that she was physical at all. She was a sweetheart of a girl, but she was definitely sheltered. By the time I got with her, I’d had maybe three partners. She wasn’t a virgin, but I think I was the second person she’d been with. The sex was very "paint-by-numbers," but you wanna know something? The foreplay was fucking amazing and she was probably the most attentive lover I’ve ever had. Don’t sleep on the Mormon foreplay— that shit’s fire.

Catholic

Oh, you crazy Catholics. I need to make something clear in the beginning here—there are a hell of a lot of different Catholics. There’s traditional, practicing Catholics. There’s old school Catholics. There are Roman Catholics and more. Those Catholics are all over the place. This girl, specifically, was raised Catholic, had rosary tattoos and quoted scripture. She also had a wine problem and an insatiable appetite for anal sex. I’m not kidding even a little bit—this woman loved anal like fat kids love pastries (if they fucked pastries). Here’s the kicker, though: it took forever for sex to happen. She was awesome, fun, a little nuts and absolutely did not fuck on the first date. She made me work for it and it was worth every single second of that work. Our relationship didn’t work out, sadly, but she’s one of my most loyal and best friends to this day.

Full-Blown Satanist

"Satanism" is a term that has been shit on for so long. People assume it’s blood sacrifices, worshiping in the middle of a pentagram, necromancy and Marilyn Manson, 24/7. But, it isn’t that at all, you closed-minded fucks. It’s a philosophy, more than anything—it celebrates enjoying life and all of its pleasures— all the ooga booga horseshit just happens to be a fun side quest. So, yeah, some of the best sex I’ve ever had in my entire life was with a Satanist. We were dating for a while and one of the highlights of the relationship, absolutely, was the sex. We went to a couple orgies, some BDSM dungeon parties and fucked in a cemetery—twice. She was also the reason I found out I was a dom in the bedroom. All through my early sex life, I was convinced I was a sub because of past trauma, until she called me on it. Best relationship ever!

Jewish

I honestly think that Jewish women are unfairly stereotyped as frumpy or homely, especially now that I live in NYC (side note: there is nothing wrong with either of those things at all). I’m gonna say it right now, though; Jewish women are gorgeous and not frumpy, at all. Jewish women that have grown up in a religious household absolutely have more conservative looks and personalities—it’s how they’re raised. Wanna know what else, though? When you’re in a sexual relationship with someone on the more conservative side, they’re usually incredibly experimental. They’re curious and they like to explore the sexuality of their partner. My two experiences with a Jewish partner were very much the same in that sense. Our sex life was all over the map, and I think, through exploring boundaries, that we helped each other understand ourselves more and it made our experiences that much better.

Muslim

So, this one was definitely the shocker of my sexual lifetime. As you’ve read above, I’ve done a lot of shit. I’ve been all over the map, sexually speaking. The east coast has a very heavy Muslim population, so the chances of you dating a Muslim are high. I’m gonna tell you this right now: I’ve never, ever had crazier and more fun sex than with a Muslim. The others aren’t even close. We’re talking miles of gaps in between. This girl was one of my most recent partners and we broke up because our schedules just didn’t work well. But, holy mother of jumping fuck, was the sex amazing. This woman was STUNNING and fucked like it was an Olympic sport that she had to get the gold medal in. In hindsight, I think it was because she was busy all the time—sometimes, you gotta go fuck in a park on the lunch break.

I wrote this article because I want people to enjoy themselves and stop looking at religion as a roadblock. Stop stereotyping people. Love each other, enjoy each other, learn from each other and step outside of your comfort zone every once in a while. We’re all just people that like to enjoy life. And, honestly, what’s more enjoyable than cumming?