Top 5: Things You Can’t Talk About On Thanksgiving

Here we are again—celebrating the rape and pillage of native culture, but who cares, right? Because, turkey? I am pushing forty and I was raised to believe that there are three things you don’t talk about in polite company: money, religion and politics. It seems, these days, the younger generation has decided they only want to talk about these things. They don’t care what is polite or isn’t and they certainly don’t care that most of the time their words are just fucking filler. To be completely honest, I hate most people—and, I hate them the most when they are telling me their opinions on anything. So, here is a fresh-as-fuck list of the five things you should not bring up at your family’s Thanksgiving dinner this year.

1) Your Progressive Political Views (Or, Your Conservative Bullshit)

Here’s the thing about politics: it’s fucking stupid and your opinion is probably stupid, too. That shit is so complex, that even people with PhDs in Political Science don’t tread on the entire spectrum of conversation. The chances are pretty fucking good, that if you are younger than thirty, your opinions are both ill-conceived and based mostly on emotions. Have you ever heard the saying, "Fuck how you feel?" Well, it’s true—no one cares how you feel, other than you and your equally under-informed friends. I am just so tired of people screaming at each other via keyboards—about economics or foreign policy— do you seriously think you have even a basic idea of how that shit works? Because, you definitely don’t, and it definitely annoys people who actually know enough to know they don’t know anything.

2) White Dudes Have To Shut The Fuck Up

Okay. So, this is a hard topic to tackle these days. The world is fucked up, man, and it isn’t getting better for women, people of color, LGBTQ+ people or vegans. Frankly, it isn’t getting better for anyone, except straight white guys. Not that it’s getting better for straight white guys, but it certainly isn’t getting worse—we’re doing just fine. So, many straight white dudes seem offended by other people taking power. I don’t personally care, but I haven’t really ever wanted to prove I’m a good guy or that other guys are good guys. I have literally, never in my life, said the phrase, "not all men," especially when it refers to sexual assault. I’m not a predator, but I understand statistics enough to know that almost all the dudes I see are. I have no problem with women, queer people, trans people or people of color seeing me as the enemy. From their side of the fence, I am the enemy and I am comfortable enough to accept that, and move on, with empathy. So, for just one day, let’s call a truce on this argument and let’s have a day of silence from straight white dudes. Maybe we can eat some food, talk about cartoons, smoke some weed, get back together and heal a little.

3) Religion Is Stupid, So Don’t Talk About it

I don’t interact very much with the Faceyspace or the Instacrap, but I do read it. I keep seeing people attempting to say that Christianity has made them a target and it offends people. However, literally no one is offended by your belief in a space ghost with a zombie son or any other cooky religions you happen to practice. It’s the white middle class’s favorite thing to pretend to be victimized by. "Oh, you just hate my faith...you’re a bigot!" No, fuckstain, we are offended by your racist, sexist, regressive ideas about how our world and our country should function. You can have all the fucking Jesus you want in your house or your church. You can put all the dumbass fish stickers you want on your car. You can openly say things like, "Jesus is my copilot." All those things are fucking stupid, but you can do that all you want. Still, do not fucking talk about that shit at the dinner table ever—not ever. Do not mix that with government and do not try to fucking convert me. I swear to fucking God (that I don’t believe in), that I will literally take a cross and rub my balls on it. I’ll do it! Don’t fucking test me.

4) No One Wants To Hear How Much Money You Have (Or, Spend)

At every family get-together, there is someone who finds a way to bring their success into any conversation that may be happening at the time. They’ll walk up on a conversation about football and say, as they sigh too damn loud, "Yeaaa...thinking I’m gonna take the RV back to my college and camp out for the homecoming game." They want you to know they own a hundred-thousand-dollar tour bus RV and they also want you to know they have the disposable income to just take off for a week—to get shit faced with frat boys. Or, while you’re talking to your broke-as- fuck cousin about stressing over health insurance, they will chime in with, "You just have to have six month’s salary set aside to offset emergency medical costs." You, sir or ma’am, can go fuck yourself. I’m over here worried if I take a day off work to see my son’s school play and how I’m going to pay my electric bill—I don’t have savings. Most people don’t have savings, so take that shit out on your boat and throw it the fuck overboard.

5) No One Cares About Your Obscure Hobby

Are you super fucking into something really fucking specific like anime’, or horror movies? Well, please take this holiday as a chance to shut the fuck up about it. It isn’t that we don’t care about you—it’s just that we have no idea what the fuck you are talking about. We will stand there, politely, while you explain the subtle differences between this nerdy fucking thing and that nerdy fucking thing, but the whole time you’re talking, we are looking for a way out. It’s fucking hard to have a conversation where a person is trying to explain why this stupid thing or another is different or better than that stupid thing or another. It’s mentally draining for us. I am obsessed with conspiracies. I would talk about 9/11 all damn day if you let me. But, I’m self-aware enough to know that you don’t want to hear about that, or how much evidence I can pull up right this second, to show that there is a secret space program. I promise, I’ll shut up about it—just do me a favor, stand with me in solidarity, because you don’t care about my shit and I don’t care about yours.

I love every single person who reads my articles, and all joking aside, I truly hope you have an amazing holiday and reconnect with loved ones and friends who’ve drifted away, in this crazy, modern life we live. It’s not about you or me—it’s about us. So hug your crazy, racist, Christian aunt and suffer through all the bullshit that comes with your family. Just be happy and let that shit go for a day—it will do you some good.