The Monthly Column: Costume Rules For The Spookiest Thanksgiving Ever!

It’s that time of year again! Skeletons, ghosts and ghouls of all sorts come out on this day. I’m referring, of course, to Novemberween— known to some as "Thanksgiving" (but, mostly only by weirdos). Whatever you call it, though, it’s important that you have a game plan for the day’s festivities.

The most important part of this holiday— aside from the Mighty Feast, of course—is your costume. In this article, I’ll try and go through some ideas, tips and tricks, which will make your Novemberween one to remember.

1. Sex It Up

It’s an occasion to dress how you like, as long as it conforms to a theme that is related to the holiday, which is vague at best. Most people use this as an excuse to sex themselves up, and while I know people complain about this entirely too much, I’m just going to come right out and say it: there is nothing wrong with a sexy costume. Some suggestions:

* Sexy Turkey
* Sexy Pilgrim
* Sexy Cornucopia
* Erotic Cranberry Sauce
* Salacious Squanto
* Sexy Football
* Lascivious Dining Table Centerpiece
* Gourd

2. Think Practically

The tendency to push things too far with your costume, so that yours might be the grandest of them all in the costume contest, is a common one.

However, few people consider the practical utility of their costume. Remember, you’ll be going door-to-door, likely for several hours—collecting sauces, sides and garnishes from people in your neighborhood— while gleeful shouts of "sauce or sass" fill the crisp fall air. Will your costume look as good when it’s covered in gravy? No? Perhaps your white-sheet "Ghost Of Thanksgiving Past" costume wasn’t the best idea. Maybe, you ought to go with your fallback plan of "Football Domestic Violence," instead. Also, remember to bring plenty of sturdy, waterproof containers. Nothing is as disappointing as losing that hard-earned ladle of precious gravy, because it leaked out of its sandwich bag on the walk home.

4. Don’t Forget #3

5. Be Clever

Yes, after last year, everyone wants to dress up as Kanye with his tongue stuck to a frozen flagpole, but how many Kanye-Stuck- To-A-Flagpole costumes are going to be out wandering around? I can guarantee at least a half dozen.

You have to think creatively. And, if that means making a Chinese-Food-Take-Out- Box costume to commemorate that year when everyone ended up at Savage Ming’s Szechuan Garden, because the turkey got eaten by the neighbor’s dogs, so be it. Bonus points if you can use your costume to obtain the coveted last turkey leg—either through impressing the Poultry Steward or by seducing (or, possibly robbing) them.

6. Temper Your Rage

It’s very clear that you and Aunt Barbara don’t get along. However, you might just end up making the situation worse with your "Person Holding A Picture of Aunt Barbara With A Coconut Stuck Up Her Ass" costume, which is just you holding a framed picture of Aunt Barbara standing in her kitchen.

Break bread, not heads. Perhaps, dress up as a loaf of bread—broken not by a pro wrestler’s expertly applied belly-to-back suplex, but by friendship and love.

8. Accommodate The Kids

The holiday is for all ages, but we know it’s really the kids who get the most out of it with all the exciting activities, fun costumes, delicious foodstuffs and lifelong memories.

Kids love the tradition of bobbing for meatballs in grandma’s galvanized washtub full of brown gravy—like everyone’s done, just as their forebears did—but, after that’s over with, most folks run out of ideas. If you have the craftiness, you can try to make a costume that is not only festive, but doubles as an activity, too.

Kids won’t even know they’d suckle from the many apple-y teats of Octopopple: The Eight-Titted Cider Demon, unless she shows up. If that sounds too intimidating, just dress as something with a pouch or satchel, where you can hide turkey jerky bites to hand out to the youngsters.

Okay, so, armed with these costume tips, you should be more than ready to take the holiday head-on and be the best-dressed one at the Novemberween table, or at least not be cast into The Holiday Shaming Corner with all the cat litter and whiskey-soaked confetti.

Remember, the holidays aren’t about the stress and worries of adult life, but they are instead about celebrating the rebirth of thanking—like the pilgrims did, when they first brought buckled hats to the New World, many centuries ago. Be safe out there!