Just don’t do it—not once, not ever. Let your inbox fill up and leave it all as unread as that copy of Infinite Jest on your bookshelf. Should some bands inquire about hauling their heavy equipment to the oh-so-cool small bar you book music for (and, play for two drink tickets a piece and offer to bring some friends and make your bar some money...), make sure to not return this query. That would be very unhip of you—it would show weakness. Bands are only asking to entertain your drunken patrons and help boost your sales for no fee, whatsoever. Do not acknowledge their request at all, for fear of appearing to do the thing that the fucking venue hired you to do. A good Portland booker knows that the only way to create the most bad ass music hub in this hipster cesspool is to be as communicative as an emotionally unavailable boyfriend.
Obviously, you’re not even going to bother with that annoying band of under-twentyone- year olds, who want to book their shitty My Chemical Romance ripoff band. Remember, the first step is to not answer emails. However, should you come across a query that not only provides you with a link to the band’s music, promise of a draw and even info on a couple other bands to round out the bill, make sure to respond with two, maybe three words, max—something to the effect of, "sorry, month’s booked" or "can’t." Dealer’s choice. Should you take time to read these snot-nosed kids’ pitiful plea for a Wednesday night slot, it’s a good idea to vigorously scan their drivel for even the slightest infraction of the F.A.Q. on your bar’s *cough* venue’s website about booking. Should you find such an infraction, respond with an angry, ALL-CAPS email berating them for not perusing the ten commandments that are the guidelines for inquiring about booking your bar, which you allow bands to play in the one sort-of-empty corner of. Make them feel insignificant and small, unlike you. Shame them. Shame them hard. Tell them how you don’t have time for immature little brats, who don’t even read the booking guidelines, when you have thousands of emails to not answer.
This is very important. As you will notice, from your overflowing inbox, you have plenty of poor suckers looking to perform for free at your establishment. There is no need for you to actively seek out bands, artists or anything in between, to fill that so-called stage on a weekend. It is imperative, that you not only don’t search Facebook, Bandcamp or a fucking telephone pole a few blocks away, but make sure to actively sit at your computer and do absolutely nothing. There’s a plethora of musical talent in Portland! And, the only way you’re gonna earn your keep at that shitty little bar *cough* venue, is if you make sure to pretend absolutely none of it exists. The owner is counting on you.
This is a crucial aspect to being a successful, small-time Portland booking agent. Let’s say you decide to respond to one of the emails from this flood of pond scum and their band sounds half decent. As you respond, make sure to be as distant and begrudging as humanly possible. These pathetic, aspiring rockstars will probably jump at the chance for the privilege to play your exalted stage. And, they should! But, your job as a booker of this little piece of gentrification heaven is not over young padawan! Just because you kinda- maybe-I-guess like this group of young upstarts, doesn’t mean you have a complete lineup for your hipster hotspot. You’ll need two or three other bands that sound exactly like your chosen musical troupe. Nobody likes diversity, after all. Now, you may be thinking that it would be easy to find two or three identical groups to share the stage with this act—bands you deem worthy, since you have an inbox bursting at the seams with queries from other young, hungry artists. You may think that. Hell, you probably could call it an early day by just picking three emails from your inbox at random and replying, "yeah, sure" to each of them. Sounds easy, right? Well, hold your horses there, buster! If you want to be a successful booker for your little, Instagram-famous, hole-in-the-wall, you’ll need to pump the brakes right quick, before you put any actual effort into this process. Once you’ve agreed to let a band play the corner of your bar, ask them to seek out two or three other bands to fill out the bill. Clearly, it’s on them to provide not only themselves, but two or three exact copies of themselves. You might get some whiny response from the band, asking you some indignant question like, "Isn’t that your job?" or some such nonsense. Don’t let their irresponsible rambling faze you. If they’re not willing to find other bands that sound like them, promote the show, find a sound guy and door guy, maybe they don’t really want to play your "super cool, downtown, high-trafic hotspot."
Because, that would just be weird, right?
