Erotic City

by Ray McMillin

Fuck. It’s the Christmas season. No, I’m not saying that to be offensive to Pagans, Jews, Muslims, Atheists or any one demographic—I call it Christmas season, because I don’t walk through the mall in the middle of December and hear annoying Arab music, while being forced to buy dreidel-themed coffee from a barista in a hijab, who happens to be listening to Death In June. That, in fact, would be awesome. Christmas isn’t offensive because it’s Christian, American or western: it’s offensive because it’s fucking everywhere— the same way that people who think Christmas is offensive are everywhere. I love me some capitalism, fables and eggnog like anyone else without a stick up their ass, but not for two months in a row. In a perfect world, we could just wrap up the perverted mall Santas, offended-by- Christmas social justice kids and whoever owns that Mariah Carey song, stuff them down a chimney and fill it with coal—that would be a Christmas miracle. But, since that’s not legal (yet), I say it’s a good time to put your holiday spirit to more positive, uplifting work. Speaking of...

Kit Kat Clothes Cold Kittens

Have you ever thought, "Hey, I drink on weekdays and pay women to dance to my favorite rap music...am I still a good person?" Well, now is your chance to con- firm the suspicion, that behind every day drinker and nudie bar patron, there is a decent human being, just waiting to reach out and help someone in need. All month long, Kit Kat Club will be hosting Kit Kat For A Kause—donations will be taken in the form of coats, shoes, socks, gloves and any other applicable donations for women and children, in need during the cold season. Anyone who brings a donation to the club will also receive a free cover, which includes admission to a nightly feature showcase, featuring the best performances in town. I can’t say enough good shit about the Kit Kat Club (or any spot that combines charity and Charity).

Tacos On The Town

You know what I think of, whenever I think of December? Tacos! That’s because I’m always thinking about tacos, regardless of season (or seasoning). Thankfully, the good people of Portland know that tacos are on par with titties, and not one but two clubs now feature readily accessible, folded Mexican delights, within inches of their establishment’s stages. At Hawthorne Strip, customers can now access Taco El Sol right there on the patio. Lap dance, taco, cigarette, repeat. Sign me the fuck up! A few miles up the street, a few blocks to the left and a block or two east, Club 205 is giving away tacos (please read that in Outrageous Audio Guy voice) every Monday and Tuesday, from 6pm until 9pm. Plus, Club 205 is also running an open challenge to their customers to decide what the theme of their new stage should be. Might I suggest...tacos?! Imagine if, between songs, dancers passed around plates of tacos to all the customers who tip more than a dollar per song—I’d be there every single night.

Mid-Week Missions

Forget about hitting the road on a weekend for holiday shopping and a little detour to the strip club—Portland trafic is getting as bad as Portland music. Instead, hit the road and the clubs mid-week. Think there’s not much going down on a Wednesday? You’re wrong—Xpose is hosting S.I.N. (Service Industry Night) every Wednesday evening, so if you slang drinks or bounce drunks, swing by with your state-issued "I’m Allowed To Do This" Card and join in the discounted fun! Missing a few items for your family’s holiday gift list? Bounce on over to Scarlet Lounge and pick up free stocking stuffers, courtesy of GlowFuckYourself.com—the best supplier of customized butt plugs in the area. Tired after a long day of holiday shopping? Then hit Desire, grab a lap dance and then pick up some mochas from a sexy girl working at Sugar Cube Coffee, now located in the club’s parking lot. There ya go, folks. There’s your plans for next Wednesday.

Training Wheels On Fire

Aaron Ross (Ed Forman) has been on an absolute tear as of late, with his YouTube show, Training Wheels, gaining some serious traction (pun unavoidable). Hit up TrainingWheelsShow.com for the latest from Ross, particularly Episode 6: Least Keist Of The East, which lampoons strip club contests (ahem) and their ridiculous titles (ahem in Dick Hennessy voice), all while being respectful of our industry and even featuring cameos from some of the most well-known dancers in the area. Of particular enjoyment, is the depiction of the DJ’s treatment of the feature performance host—it’s a well-known fact, that hosts do all the work, while the DJ just sits there, clicking around on YouTube and eating beef jerky, while drinking CBD beer—because they couldn’t keep their gig as editor of Exotic. Is John even reading this? Sigh. Anyhow, Aaron’s team not only portrays this aspect of strip club DJs in an accurate light, but there’s also a few good scenes involving BDSM and giant piles of cum rags—all without a YouTube warning about age restriction. Hats off to Ross and Training Wheels for breaking boundaries left and right.

Final Round Of Miss Exotic Oregon 2019 Pre-Cum

Speaking of contests, Miss Exotic Oregon 2019 is finished—well, at least it will be by the time you read this column. However, I’m penning this column early, around the fifth of the month, so I have no idea who the winner is this year (we go to press a day before the final round). But, you can find out right now, by visiting our Facebook page (Facebook.com/XoticMag), where the oficial announcement will be made. In the past, you didn’t even have to do that—you could just search the newsfeed for "lying judges rigged contest" and read all sorts of nasty gossip and accusatory nonsense. Thankfully, those days are over. This year’s roster of finalists is of the absolute, most professional caliber possible. I’d like to play favorites, but I can’t— regardless of how badly I want to. Every contestant thus far has brought their best and I am highly anticipating a fantastic final round. Plus, the voting is calculated via a complex algorithm that eliminates the possibility of Florida-style ambiguity— when we announce the winner, she will have earned it, along with a pile of cash and a cover shoot for this publication. Here’s an early toast to the winner this year and a "you got robbed, try again next year and you’ll win" to the rest of you.

Alternatives To Family Christmas Dinner

The holidays can be depressing, especially if you budget your relationships like I do (being single from mid-October to St. Paddy’s saves a single man, on average, two grand or so, which is why I always "it’s not you, it’s me" my girlfriend a few weeks before Halloween). As a result, you may be compelled to do something dumb, like participate in a holiday sale at Target (it’s barely even a discount and the whole place smells like rotten popcorn and menopause), drive drunk in the snow (yeah, it’s easy to blend in, but the tow trucks have better places to be) or give your hard-earned cash to one of those homophobic bell-ringers outside of the mall.

So, I feel that, beyond saying, "Hey, just go to the strip club," it would be fantastic of me to suggest some activities to get you through a potentially bleak December:

* Binge watch Halloween movies—not just the Michael Meyers franchise, but anything that has a slasher theme—to deal with the Christmas season. Spend an entire snow day watching the original Friday The 13th or Nightmare On Elm Street series. Fill your head with eight-to-ten hours of campy, ‘80s gore. Then, go for a walk or take care of some errands—holiday music and annoying crowds are so much easier to deal with, when you’ve got thoughts of graphic murder running through your head. Stuck in line? Just imagine stufing "I’d Like To Return This" Lady into a wood chipper, while Bing Crosby whistles in the background. See? She’s already trying to hurry up, now that you’ve got that look in your eye.

* Call every one of your exes, at once, on a conference call, while drunk, using speakerphone. Let’s face it, the one-afteranother approach is just one long, sad string of rejection. However, if you can get all of your mistakes on the line at once (just like your grandparents do when they call your family on Christmas...buh-dum, chiss), the in-fighting will not only provide immediate, exciting entertainment, but the chance of you getting some tail actually increases, if you’re a straight dude—women are competitive and they fucking hate each other. Wait for the first "Well, I dumped his ass, but he dumped you, so neener neener" comment to come up, then privately text whoever the target of that comment was and tell her that you miss her more than (Girl Who Said The Mean Comment). Arrange for wine and chocolate, have some sex and then discuss getting back together for a few days, before blocking her on social media. If you’re into dudes, well, you don’t need to play games to get lonely holiday tail. Why are you even reading this column? Call Chad and get some free holiday head, plus maybe a back rub and some dinner.

* Come out to your most bigoted grandparents. Even if you’re not gay/bi/trans/ Libertarian/etc., it’s always good for a chuckle, when you see how close you can get Grandpa Who Still Says It With A Hard ‘R’ to a sweet, financially profitable heart attack. The best way to do this, without a doubt, is to "come out" in some fashion. Sure, you’re kind of shitting on the struggles of a legitimately oppressed group when you do this, but it’s fucking funny and it might end up in a landslide of inheritance dollars, if done correctly. Sadly, my grandparents were civil rights activists, so when I told them about my biracial boyfriend last year, they just sent him a sweater. Hopefully, you’re in a better position— bring up the Confederate flag over dinner and see which one of your elders starts to tense up—this is your target.

* Crash office holiday parties. This is so fucking easy, it’s scary—nine-out-of-ten corporate ofices post their holiday party notice all over, from the lobby to the restroom. I assume some large woman named Brenda—who works the front ofice at a place that really doesn’t need a front of- fice—is responsible for this, as it’s the only time of year she really gets to shine. As long as Hypothetical Corporation, Inc. has multiple departments or locations, you can easily slide into one of these parties as "Mark from sales" or "Bob from corporate," before taking your pick from the most expensive food, wine, women and men that upper management has to offer. Last year, I almost fucked some lady from State Farm, because she thought I was "Ray from Boise." I’ve only been to Boise once and it was for a drug deal—but, hey, who’s asking questions, right? Ofice parties are great, because they’re full of people who aren’t allowed to have fun for most of the year, and have to return to their spouse/kids/cats the next day. There is a limited time for debauchery, and trust me, the cougars working at Fry’s Electronics want to make the most of it. Forget about strip clubs and modeling shops—if you want to meet a real freak, find out where Xerox is having their Nonspeci fic Inclusive Holiday Function and sneak in some cocaine. Bonus points: if you don’t get laid, you can network—just don’t tell anyone how you found out about the party.

But, Really, Go To The Strip Club On Christmas

Yup. Ditch the family, let grandpa have the good chair and head on over to your local club. While many clubs may be open on Christmas, of those that have made it explicit to our publication, there will be dancers waiting for you and your Santa hat on Christmas at Cabaret, Club Rouge, Cheetahs Cabaret, Columbia Strip and Stars Cabaret Bridgeport. In addition to day-of libations, there are several clubs having holiday parties throughout the month, so check the calendar at the end of this column for more info.