Society has moved rapidly in its acceptance of transgender people. This is true, not only for those transgender individuals who are content to live out their lives in the bodies they were born with, but also for those wanting to take the bold step of changing to the opposite sex through medical means. As options become more mainstream, researchers project that more and more people will self-identify as transgender, with many of them opting for surgery. According to the respected Reichmann Center For Gender Studies, by the year 2030, over 40% of adults in the U.S. will have undergone some sort of hormonal or surgical sex change—this is truly remarkable.
However, the ripple effects of this are hard to predict. I’ll leave it to the social thought leaders to deal with the subtleties and nuances involved—I’m sticking to the basics. About half of the people walking around with new bodies will be trans men—people who spent their entire lives as women, but are now living as trans men, post-surgery. Having been a guy since birth, I wanted to offer some practical tips on what to expect.
If ever there was a misnomer, scratching your balls is it. Your balls don’t itch—your scrotum itches. Saying your balls itch is like saying your pancreas itches. Even if your balls actually itched, there ain’t a damned thing you could do about it, because you can’t get at them to scratch ‘em. This may sound pedantic, but it’s important.
The problem doesn’t end there, though, because you can’t really scratch your scrotum, either. The damned thing keeps swinging out of the way every time your fingernails go after it! And, it’s uncomfortable trying to hold the sack with one hand and scratch with the other. If the surgeon installed them correctly, you’ll soon learn that your balls don’t want to be touched, squeezed or, especially, kicked— they just want to hang around and not be fucked with.
Fortunately, there is a solution: simply identify the itchy section of your scrotum and gently pinch the surface, rolling it between your fingers like you would a wet booger. Relief is immediate. Problem solved.
Really, you say? How is wiping one’s ass any different between the sexes? In fact, now that your vagina is all sewn up, it ought to be easier wiping a male ass, because you don’t have to worry about smearing fudge in your twat, right? Nope! To illustrate, dig one of your old, girly winter coats out of the closet—one with a fur collar. Take a tablespoon of chunky-style peanut butter and smear it into the collar. Now, try to clean the peanut butter out of the fur, using nothing but dry toilet paper. Heh heh.
Turns out, the hormones you’ve been taking to complete your man-ee transition will have you growing hair in places you didn’t even know you had. I tackle this problem by sticking to a high-fiber diet and focusing on a crisp pincho ff of the final turd, as I close the poop shoot. If that fails, try wetting the T.P. As a last resort, persistent dingle berries may require a wire utility brush—available in any hardware store.
Some of the changes in your sex transition occur in the deep recesses of your brain. For example, the spendis is a small area of the brain, so named because it’s the source of all impulses to spend money. The spendis communicates with its next door neighbor, the memory center, through a band of connecting neurons called the spendis commissure. The spendis commissure only develops in the presence of testosterone, so it is virtually absent in the female brain. Female spending habits are, thus, not informed or moderated by memories in any way, including the memory of the work it took to earn the money being spent. This is why women enjoy shopping and men hate it.
Anyway, as you dose up on male hormones, your spendis commissure will begin to develop and strengthen. Next thing you know, you’ll be at the mall eyeing up that 96th pair of cute shoes and new, unusual thoughts will creep in to your head, like, "Hey, wait a minute—I had to bust my ass for hours in that sweatshop I call a job for these fuckers!" and you’ll leave the shoes to sit on the shelf. Or, you’ll be out searching for a suitable birthday gift for you friend Betty and think, "Why am I buying Betty a gift? I don’t even like the bitch anymore!" Things like that.
It’s true that men occasionally spend money unnecessarily, like on a $500 golf driver or a bigger truck, but scientists now know that this is the result of cerebral aneurysms that temporarily shut down the spendis commissure.
The best thing about your new body is the weenie, which allows you to pee standing up. This especially comes in handy outdoors. Now, a nature pee no longer requires 360 degrees of cover for an embarrassing squat—all you need is a tree or bush to block the view from the front and you can whip it out and mark your territory! And, you only need the tree if you’re a prude. If you’re the more exhibitionist sort, just spray away. You can even write your name in the snow!!!
Cleanup is easier, too. No more soggy clam to deal with—just a quick giggle to knock off the last drop of tinkle and it’s back in the fly. This saves a lot of hand washing. The extra time involved in sitting to pee is evident at any sports/concert venue. Just compare the lines to the men’s and women’s rooms. This efi- ciency alone makes the addadicktome surgery worth it.
Hey, I’m just trying to help...
