Holiday shopping for kids is simple—just a sack of rusty nails and spiders, and they’re as happy as can be. The adults on your list, however, can be more opaque. What do you give the woman who was your friend, but you haven’t spoken to in two years because all she ever talks about are her kids? This time, carpentry supplies and arachnids won’t do the trick. I’m here today, to help you navigate through the minefield of adult Christmas shopping (unless you’d rather just drink yourself into a stupor of obliviousness until it’s all over—a plan known as "Option B").
For every myopically misogynistic, gendertypical, heteronormative doll your parents ever bought you when you were a kid, return the favor and educate them with books on third-wave feminism, socially conscious— yet, garishly loud—T-shirts or even a class on appropriate pronoun use. Call them repeatedly to make sure they’re attending! For The Manchildren In Your Life Just a box of underwear and socks—and, maybe, a few job listings you printed out for them—shoved in there as passive aggressively as possible. Always use newspaper and duct tape when wrapping for these folks.
Something bleak. I’m thinking Safeway-giftcerti ficate-in-a-sympathy-card bleak...Sovietbread- line bleak—something that expresses how their excited and endless Facebook posts aren’t fooling anyone. How about a muumuu and slippers, some cheap boxed wine and a copy of The Notebook...or just ignore her entirely and give her kids presents instead? Somehow, highlighting her misery might help you obliterate your own. God, now we’re just depressing ourselves. What even is the point? No one loves us. No one would ever make a baby with us. Ugh.
Part of you wants to give them something that will chafe against whatever stance they’re aggressively advocating for. They’ve lost whatever personality they had at one time and are now just megaphones for other people’s ideas. Giving ol’ Uncle "Red State" Marv a gay pride baseball cap is tempting. So is gifting your cousin in college—who thinks "safe zones are a human right"—an anonymous subscription to Modern Conservative magazine. I get it—but, don’t fall prey to that kind of viciousness. Instead, give them something more interesting to be obsessed with: conspiracy theories! If they’re consumed with something a little more entertaining, maybe you can actually talk to them again. Having a serious, in-depth discussion about Nazi UFO plots is a thousand times more engaging than hearing about how America has lost its way and there are no patriots anymore, or the effect of microaggressions on first-generation immigrants. Who wouldn’t rather discuss the logistics of how and where a sasquatch population could successfully hide?
Unsolicited dick picks. And, if you’re a girl? Same. No one can resist them—that’s why they’re so popular!
Upcycling is in and green, conscious gifts are all the rage. Eco-conscious repurposing, vintage style and thrifty thinking come together in one simple solution: dumpster diving. If you see a gaudy, cracked lamp hanging sadly from a rubbish bin surrounded by diapers, don’t be shy—that’s what gloves are for. Is that vase sitting next to those garbage bags in the alley filled with vomit or urine? Just dump it out, no problem. Once you’ve cleaned off the old coffee grounds and whatever that other stuff was, put it in a fancy, moss-green box with a tasteful, reusable, earth-toned bow. Now all you have to do is write a card about how important the environment is to you and how vintage "accent pieces" are preserving the past (and the future) of our civilization. They’ll love it. For Every Female Relative Over 65 A discreet bag of weed. You know Grandpa won’t approve—either because he was a cop or because he’s just a stubborn old coot who yells at people that walk on his lawn—you’ll never know. What you do know, is that it’s a watch or nice pen for him and weed for her. Grandma will smile and hug you and quietly pocket your thoughtful present.
See above.
Or, more specifically, for your adult friends who refuse to give up trying to be rockstars, even though they’re almost fourty. These people already have enough misery in their lives. Do something nice to lift their (almost certainly) downtrodden hearts: finally buy their self-published CD. You don’t actually have to listen to it, but say you really liked one of the songs in the middle of the album, so they’ll think you really did. Alternately, donating to their GoFundMe page would do the trick, but never more than like, $20—tops.
Whether you celebrate Christmas, Solstice, Festivus, Krampusnacht, Hanukkah, Yule, Kwanzaa or some other excuse to get loaded and bang under the mistletoe, you’re going to be guilt-tripped into buying people stuff. So, don’t forget the most important person on the list: you. Selfishness is vastly underrated and I’d be remiss if I didn’t remind you to do something nice for yourself. Whether that means a day at the spa, a lady of the night or an evening in the drunk tank, I’ll leave that one up to you.
