Hey Santa—we know you read Exotic. So, here are some helpful ideas for what to bring our readers. Esmeralda has all the non-sexy stuff covered on the next page, but I’m here to help you take care all of our lonely, horny, single and/or just plain deprived readers. However, I’m gonna allow Santa to tell it like it is and give the people what they want, but are afraid to ask for.
Men have it pretty easy, in terms of upkeep required to play the field—simply put, if you’re a dude and you make enough money to live comfortably, that’s pretty much all it takes for you to land a partner. Plus, women are even easier to keep then gay dudes, which should come as no surprise; men are the most visually discriminating of the sexes and they are more likely to get caught cheating (both sexes cheat—women just get away with it more, and sometimes they are even applauded for it...but, guys are loud, like to brag and are seen as "cheaters," not "lifestyle explorers" when they get caught).
Yet, many women and gay dudes want something from their partner that a new wardrobe, long talk or a good investment can’t fix—a giant, hard, brightly colored cock. You can ask your man to pressure his boss for a raise or to be more emotionally available, but you can’t just nudge your boo and hint that his dong needs some inches added to it. That’s where a fake dick comes in handy. And, as a dude with an extra-medium-sized dick, I can speak for the average guy when I say this: we do not care one inch (pun intended) about the dildo in your top drawer. Being completely honest, we are way more iffy about the "just a friend" who gives you rides home from yoga class. We know that you can’t cuddle with a rabbit (at least not the kind you buy at the sex store) or look for homes with The Hus-Penetrator 9000 (at least not at open houses that attract a lot of potential buyers). And, I can’t speak on behalf of gay men, but judging based on the ones I know, gay guys don’t get jealous over sex toys that their partners use.
The hard truth (pun accidental) is that there is a surplus of average-sized and plainshaped cock out there. Thankfully, there is no shortage of fantastic, synthetic dick available at your local adult retailers. Last time I checked, for every type of cereal available at Winco, there are at least a dozen portable penises on the shelves at Taboo. In fact, cereals share a lot in common with vibrators, dildos, snakes and rabbits. Some are designed to make you feel good, others are colorfully designed and pressed into familiar shapes, a few are extremely innovative and none of them should be considered appropriate for children, regardless of what the cartoon mascot on the box is saying. Is your relationship on the rocks? Get yourself a new cock. First one to trademark that phrase owes me a drink.
Okay, I can already hear the rustling of jimmies in the distance—arguments against realistic sex dolls have, surprisingly, been coming mostly from the supposedly-sexpositive, extremist faux-minist fringes of the internet, as well as radical right-wing conservative mobs (it’s crazy how much these two groups share in common these days). "These dolls are unrealistic," says the body-positive woman, who just purchased the 16" Double Dong that was eluded to in the previous paragraph. "These dolls will encourage abuse and exploitation," says the Catholic priest who has never read a single study on how sex dolls actually reduce the rate of sex crimes. "These things are a threat to our prostitution business," say legal brothel owners, who forget how not every victim of sex traficking has the option of working for a clean and safe establishment. In short, pretty much any argument made against sex dolls is coming from someone who is resentful, creepy or just loves watching women being exploited on the street. But, did I mention that Doll-House sells inserts that turn your female sex doll into a male sex doll? And, did you hear about the new male sex dolls that are selling like, well, sex dolls? Okay, there we go. Now the angry mob should be dropping their torches and picking up their credit cards.
Contrary to popular belief, for those who seek companionship, sex dolls are the perfect present. Yes, there are a lot of fantastic sex workers out there—but, there are also city girls who will rob your ass blind at the airport motel you called them to visit (not that I’d know from personal experience or anything). I’m all for prostitution and supporting professional sex workers, but not every street hooker working 82nd in the winter is, shall we say, safe. A sex doll, on the other hand, is (currently) unable to rob you blind. Sure, give it a few years and the things will be able to steal your Bitcoin, but that’s another article. Further, I am entirely opposed to relationships and even more against marriage— a sex doll will never decide that they’d rather move on to someone with more battery power, take your ass to court for half your belongings, start a fight or come home drunk. Zero people have ever ended up in court, arguing with a judge about custody in the company of a sex doll, unless it’s two former roommates battling for ownership of the doll itself.
The only drawback to sex dolls (aside from the price tag), is the weight. Apparently, these things weigh about as much as a real person does, and any efforts to reduce the size or weight of these dolls have been met with accusations (and, even legal restrictions), made by the groups mentioned in the first portion of this section, that the dolls are "too childlike." I mean, logically, banning "childlike" sex dolls will only lead to more pedophiles and sick fucks being without an alternative to groping actual kids, but, hey, no one opposed to what someone does in the privacy of their own home ever uses consistent logic or non-emotional arguments to prove their point. So, although it sounds morbid, the best hedge against sex doll shame is to go ahead and buy the adultsized dolls and amputate their legs. This way, anyone who attacks you for owning a sex doll can be classified as an ableist bigot who hates transhumans with disabilities.
Merry Christmas.
