As we all grow up and become more and more adult, Christmas takes on a new meaning to a lot of us. Some of us have children and we go from asking Santa, to being Santa. Some of us don’t have kids or family to spend time with—and, for those people, Christmas is a sad and lonely time. We avoid shopping and going out in general, because the streets are littered with nuclear families doing the same shit they’ve been doing since the 1950s. In the spirit of this most commercial of holidays, I’m going to tell you what I want for Christmas this year.
I’m sure that I’ve mentioned how I am pretty mentally ill, but for the last several years, I have had the feeling that I don’t live in the same reality I was born into. It doesn’t help much, that certifiable geniuses like Musk and Tyson both seem to believe we live inside a simulation—and it isn’t a stretch to think that simulation can be altered on the fly. Growing up in the midwest and then moving to the liberal west coast certainly was a culture shock, but that isn’t what I mean here. I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that what’s happening in our culture isn’t possible. Things have gone so far sideways, that I barely recognize the world around me. I just want to go home, and by home, I mean the version of reality that existed around 2012-ish. Does anyone else want to come with me?
I went to sleep one day and everything I loved was tucked nice and tight in my happy place. I woke up the next day, and that happy place had turned into a rape village. I can’t believe so many people are predators! Of course, that’s hyperbole, because, of course, I believe victims. But, maybe if Santa could show up to these people’s homes and just take the trigger in their brains that makes them monsters, before replacing it with, oh I don’t know, philanthropy or something, that would just be great. Since I won’t blame victims— and, I won’t call victimized people liars—I am stuck with this sick, dissatis- fied feeling that everything I love is tainted now—and, I can’t enjoy it.
We live in the time of the Forever War. My twelve-year-old son has never seen a world without a U.S. war. War has become so normal to all of us—we are doing it here at home now. Americans are fighting each other in the streets, crazed gunman are shooting up anywhere that people congregate, crazed white nationalists are driving cars into crowds of people...the list goes on and on. I grew up as a Christian and the shit that hit home with me in those teachings—the concept of loving our neighbor has become completely ignored. People have always used religion as an excuse to murder other people, but when I was a kid, I thought that shit ended with the crusades. When I became a man, I learned how very wrong I was. So, I just want people to try loving each other and accepting that the world doesn’t revolve around the individual—even if it’s hard, when you realize the world will still go around after we’ve murdered the last of us.
The amount of evidence that we are being visited by aliens is fucking crazy. There is so much of it, that if even a small fraction is true, it would still be an overwhelming amount. I think it’s time that mainstream science and our world governments just stop with the ridiculous explanations and outright bullshittery that has just become impossible to take seriously. The fact is, they are here and they probably have always been here. We have advanced technology that is hidden from us and it seems that the main reason for that obfuscation is they want to keep us addicted to dead dinosaur fuel. So, if Santa would just bring full disclosure and put it under my tree, that would be great.
When I was a kid, I remember begging my mom to get me a Discman, so I could jam out to my Nirvana albums on those longass road trips. Well, what I got was a goddamn piece of shit that certainly didn’t have bass boost or anti-skip. That fucking thing would skip if I took a drink while listening to it, and I don’t know about you, but that shit really pissed me off. I know my mom was poor and she did the best she could, but she’s dead now, so I need Santa to step the fuck up and get me my damn Sony. I know what you’re going to say: "But, Brad, Santa isn’t real..." Well, fuck you! You aren’t real either!!! We live in a goddamn simulation, so I can simulate up a fucking Santa with a time machine to go back and get me my fucking Discman, if I damn well please. Also, I need that Ninja Turtle Sewer Playset that I saved my own damn money for, but by the time I had enough, they were all sold out. Gimme that shit and give it to me now...or, I swear, I’ll start assassinating reindeer.
— Brad Cox
