Well, it’s January 1st—that is, if you’re a loyal reader of this respectable publication and make sure to grab your copy as soon as it comes out (and, even if you’re reading this sometime after the new year and are mulling over what empty promise you’re going to make to yourself ). Quit smoking, go vegan, stop stalking your ex’s Facebook, etc. Whatever lies you tell yourself, to help you pretend you’re gonna be the change you wish to see in the world, in the year 2019. While you tell all your friends about these New Year’s resolutions—that you’ll inevitably punk out on—I have a list here, of resolutions that I would like to see the PDX music scene fulfill. It shouldn’t be too much to ask. These are all things I’ve touched on over the year in this humble little column, so it seemed like a good piece to start the year off right. So, Portland, my beloved city of passive-aggressive, hipster sluts playing in eight different bands, I give you three New Year’s resolutions to make 2019 not suck so much in this festering scene.
Dear bars *cough* venues, this is something that I have circled around in several of my articles and will continue to get on my soapbox and preach about: pay bands a fee, regardless of their draw or how much they suck. They are offering a service: entertainment for the night. Even on the lowest level, this would change the dynamic in this city drastically for the better. No cuts from the door. No cuts from the bar. Instead, set aside a budget for entertainment, especially if you’re trying to establish yourself as a hip Portland music spot. Pay bands up front, and instead of sharing the ticket sales, keep what you make at the door and the extra sales in booze. If the band has a shit draw, that sucks for one night and you don’t have to ask them back. If they have an amazing draw, you better cough up that fee, so you can make sure to cement a hot act that can guarantee a lot of booze sales. Either way, you will give these performing artists something none of them feel they have: value. Oh, also, the two drink tickets stay—that’s literally why we do this.
Preferably punk or hardcore. This is an idea I touched on earlier in the year, relating to how practically no side hustle is completely compatible with the daunting ambition of making it in music. Getting time off of work and having the flexibility to take life-changing opportunities when they come just isn’t in the cards for any day (or night) job you want to keep with any regularity. However, if you have the stomach for it, stripping couldn’t be a more ideal "day job" for a rock band that actually wants to make a go of it. Decent cash flow and the ability to make your own schedule are practically all it would take to form a functioning musical act that isn’t Soundcloud laptopping. If you can save your cash and put up with the creeps, this is the perfect way to support your debilitating music habit. Plus, you’d probably have an instant following. I’m not sure what about hot girls, covered in tattoos, sweating and screaming on stage wouldn’t sell. A good and trusted friend of mine, who dances, pointed out one fatal flaw in this fantasy band of mine—most strippers are really flaky. However, I’m sure there’s three or four of you out there who have your shit together enough to show up for band practice at least once a week. Come on...make this happen! For a better 2019!
I get how it is easier to sell a show that is simply listed as "‘80s synth pop," "tough guy hardcore" or "punk with horns" *cough* "ska." And, some folks do wanna come out to just see a night of local bands attempting to not butcher a vaguely defined genre. There’s also nothing wrong with a venue catering to a specific scene. Thanks to Landmark, Portland actually has a venue, where you can see some good country and bluegrass any night of the week, in this hipster, indie-rock- infested town. However, it becomes a bit of a crutch, when a booker insists on making sure every band for the evening sounds exactly the same. Nothing will stagnate a scene more than every artist trying to sound more like everyone else than anyone else. Plus, musicians are usually very open-minded and hang out with other musicians, regardless of genre. So, if you book a punk band that wants a hip hop act to open because they’re all good friends, let them! Some cross-pollination would be good for this town. When Blink 182 reunited, Big Boi opened for them for the first few legs of the tour. Nobody died (I don’t think). When I saw Deafheaven a few months back, the booker thought this shoegazey, black metal band would pair well with an albino, future synth duo, called Drab Majesty. It was genius! Why can’t we do this on the local level? This is another call to the venues, as I think most artists in this town are down with throwing three completely different acts together, since they’re all homies. So, bookers, if you like a band and agree to let them play, PLEASE stop asking them to find three other bands that sound exactly like them. If they come to you with a hip hop group and folk duo, just go with it. I promise, no one will die.
Happy New Year to you all!
