New Year’s Reconsidered

by Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle

The new year is upon us again, and with the close of 2018, it’s worth reconsidering our annual traditions built around this celebration. Times are changing faster than we feel like we can keep up with, sometimes. These days, an uninvited, midnight ass grab could cost you your livelihood, and watching the ball drop in Times Square seems as tired as a stoner after a cheesesteak. Presented here, for your consideration, are some ideas to update our reveries, and in some cases, to bring back ones that have unfortunately and unjustly fallen by the wayside.

In ancient Babylonia, the celebration of the new year was called Akitu. For Mesopotamians of the day, this meant parading graven images of their gods through the streets and generally creating a ruckus for several days. This was all topped off with a traditional humiliation of their king, who was dragged before a statue of the god Marduk, forced to proclaim that he was indeed qualified to be king, stripped of his royal regalia and smacked on the ears by a priest—with the intent of making him cry. If he was brought to tears, it was seen as a good omen and a sign that Marduk was satisfied with the performance of the monarch. Forcing our leaders to do the same would not only provide an extraordinary spectacle, but also raise national morale considerably. We should absolutely, and without question, put this one on the "yes" pile.

The turn of the annual clock has often been marked with fireworks displays. These are fun for children, but for those of us who are jaded and difficult-to-impress adults, a grander exhibit of destruction is called for. Keeping with the theme of "things exploding," every city should partition a space for people to gather and bring all the electronic office devices that have caused them distress over the last year—and heap everything into a pile all together. Attendees can then take the complimentary wads of high explosives, assault rifles or cans of gasoline, and collectively, they can create a firework with a purpose. This would be more productive, more entertaining and would really do a lot to bring people together. We may not be able to agree on which entitled monster to elect, but we can all agree that printers have a personal vendetta against humanity.

Resolutions are just a way to make ourselves aware of our own weakness as humans. Has anyone actually ever managed to give up drinking or take up exercising regularly, simply because we’ve rotated around the sun again? We set ourselves up for failure by creating unrealistic goals like "not puking in an Uber this year" or "only peeing in bathrooms." Let us consider the possibility of the anti-resolution. That is, the cultivation of a new bad habit to mark the calendar’s change. Take up cocaine, intoxicated knife throwing or watching the news. This year, I’m planning on making unwanted advances on uninterested parties, at least once a month.

Another oldie-but-goodie is the ancient Egyptian "Festival Of Drunkenness." This came about due to the religious belief, that when the goddess of war, Sekhmet, had come to destroy humanity, the sun god, Ra, had told her he had a whole mess of human blood for her. She drank it, naturally—what else would you do with human blood, after all? Her plans were foiled though, when she passed out cold, because it was actually just beer that he’d dyed red. Presumably, her hangover was bad enough that she didn’t try again the next day, either. The celebration involved everyone drinking to the point of unconsciousness. Everyone, that is, except for a few lucky souls, who got to walk through the streets banging drums, to wake up passed out revelers and send them on their way—which must have been incredibly fun. This is pretty much what we do already, minus the drums and the re-introduction of this hysterically invasive aspect will create hundreds of the most entertaining YouTube videos you’ve ever seen.

Kissing your beloved at midnight has been a longstanding sign of good fortune for your relationship in the year to come. Times change, though—and, as we move to a more disconnected, internet-driven, electronic-based existence, many of us find ourselves spending the holiday alone, desperate and horny. That’s why you should consider replacing this stodgy, outmoded tradition with sending a midnight nude to everyone on your social media that you find remotely desirable. You may wake up the next day to a slough of horrified and angry replies, but social change only comes through agitation and vociferous commitment. Keep at it.

New Years always seems a little forced. We’re already exhausted and overstimulated after the over-indulgences of Thanksgiving and (your observed winter holiday here). It can be slightly depressing, anticlimactic and empty. There’s not much that can represent this feeling more accurately than having an orgasm (or a few orgasms). Now, bear with me here...everyone reaches a point, where enough is enough. You don’t want more, you don’t need more—but, you force out another one all the same. What I’m trying to say, is spend New Year’s masturbating until it hurts, because that’s effectively what we’re doing anyway.

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