You’re not gonna stop smoking weed this year—no one is. And, you’re probably not going to be hitting the gym, getting your bills together, finally meeting your kid or anything else of that nature. So, why not stick to three, easy-to-follow resolutions, that even stoners can keep the pace with?
Pot smokers, while well-intended in terms of social consciousness and being all "activisty" whenever possible, have done very, very little to better society. Yes, we legalized weed in most states, but, come on...that’s a little self-serving (like most activism, but, still). Let’s take a few seconds and ask ourselves, what is it that we could be doing to contribute to the world, that other people are not willing to take on? I’ll tell you what: Woodstock. Ween. Phish. Primus. Mr. Bungle. All of the ‘90s rap. Die Anternotgonnaspellcheckit. We are responsible for locating, promoting (and, sometimes, producing) good music—unlike any other group of substance abusers.
Stoners are the disc jockeys of the real world—we are responsible for weeding through the dirt to find true gems—not only in terms of recorded albums, but live performances, as well. There are hundreds of concerts that I would have never attended—and, thousands of songs I’d never have listened to—had it not been for weed. Whether via festival, opening act at a pot-friendly venue or on a dealer’s stereo back in high school, cannabis is the constant. I mean, how else does one end up actually paying money for a copy of 40 Ounces To Freedom, if not for a THC count above reasonable levels? And, yet, that was Sublime’s only really good album. Sure, pot is responsible for some horrible music, but compared to any other drug subculture, we easily have the best taste— save for heroin addicts in odd-numbered decades (like the ‘50s, ‘70s and ‘90s). Coke gave us one-hit wonders, littered with synth. Molly gave us every fucking rap song on the radio today, without any of the flavor established by the early days of ecstasy (R.I.P. Mac Dre). Booze? Well, that’s what makes Nickelback sound good. However, cannabis gave us The Dark Side Of The Rainbow (look that shit up on YouTube). Weed is in another league, when it comes to the world of music. We’re talking "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" versus "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds," okay? Weed can make anything better—even crappy British pop.
"Oh, you’re looking to relax a little bit and enjoy your night? Here, all you do is plug this thing into the coil, then charge it with a USB 2.012A-compatible cord that comes with an update, which you need to download using the app. Next, place the one part into the slot and make sure you dial the number to a specific heat, in order to keep it from breaking. Finally, take this pre-filled cartridge and just twist...oh, shit. This is the wrong model. Okay, you’re gonna need to buy this adapter..."
How fucking "convenient." I guess I can use this "anywhere."
I enjoy my vape pen. But, mine is a just a boring, old battery that attaches to a vape cartridge. Tah-dah! Yeah, it’s ghetto as fuck, because it doesn’t have bluetooth-compatible technology that allows me to upload my dabs to the internet, but, so fucking what? The only people that care are, well...lots of them, actually. Dispensary owners, head shop owners, people that own things and owners of businesses. Are you seeing a trend, here? There’s a ton of money to be made in the "you can smoke anywhere" market, as e-cig users know all too well. But, guess what else you can smoke anywhere? A blunt. Have we forgotten about the "OH, I THOUGHT IT WAS LEGAL" angle, that literally every white girl in Oregon has in her lipstick case, ready to dispense at any chance encounter with authority? Okay, so maybe you’re old, black or just bad with cops, like I am. Well...cops may be cops, but they’re not stupid. If you’re huddled around a black, metallic straw with no cup, sucking on it and laughing, you’re already suspect. There is no need to spend $300 on something that belongs in a James Bond film. Besides, you’re gonna break it or lose it. Go cheap, go simple or go back to tech school—it’s fucking pot, not heart surgery.
With alcohol legal, there is literally no reason for Oregon and Washington to be without places to consume cannabis in public. Aside from the NW Cannabis Club on S.E. Powell, I cannot think of a single place where weed smoking is legally allowed, outside of my own apartment. We are surrounded by miles upon miles of scenic forests, serene beaches and expansive desert—most of which is under federal control and none of which allows smoking—this makes no sense. However, yeah...I can see the "no open flames anywhere near California" request having some legitimacy to it—especially when some of us aren’t too bright. "Shit, I forgot to put out the blunt" are famous last words we don’t need to hear on the news.
So, as a solution, I suggest establishing places that are the equivalent of a McMenamins— semi-outdoorsy spots, where you can consume a substance, grab a cheap room and flirt with tattooed waitstaff. Insert here the "alcohol is far worse than cannabis" argument that we’ve all heard. But, in addition to that, consider the worst-case scenario: if someone has too much to smoke/eat/vape/dab, what’s the worst that can happen? Bouncers at McMarijuana’s (or, whatever the chain will be called) won’t have to worry about breaking up fights—they’ll be too busy waking up patrons. Food will sell left and right—with both ends of the health-and-morality food spectrum getting what they want. Vegan, gluten-free, blah blah whatever, white people food? Stoners love it. Deep-fried, fatty, sugar-coated desserts? We love that shit, too. Basically, the O.L.C.C. would just have to add a small portion to their training packet, indicating that "over-serving" can also include ice cream, and bam, you’ve got your permit for a weed-tender or bud-rista. A cannabis strip club is still a ways out, however, the phrase, "Sir, you must tip at least a dollar per song" has enough airtime, as it currently stands.
