A couple of years ago, I was hooking up regularly with a guy I had met while working behind the bar. Like your usual hookups that start that way in Portland, it eventually fizzled out. True romance, in this town, is more elusive than affordable rent. When I was giving him his walking papers, he made a comment that, "at least (he) can cross taking home the bartender off (his) bucket list." He described it as a "million-to-one shot." I was instantly disgusted (as well as annoyed), to be on some sort of sexual conquest list. Why the hell would taking home the sad sack, serving you a cheap beer in a dank bar, be an object of desire? Somehow, the bartender is seen as the life of the party—the geisha, the host...the center of everyone’s attention. We have something you desperately want and we control whether or not you get it. Everyone wants to be friends with the bartender—they want them to like them. Some even want to fuck us, because of this. Apparently, it’s a thing. If it happens to be your particular thing, you’re about to get the keys to the kingdom—I’m going to tell you how to successfully bang your bartender.
That sounds counter-intuitive for most of you, but it is law (or, it should be). Never blatantly hit on your bartender. This goes for male or female bartenders—all of us hate it, equally. Every bartender, female, male, gay, straight, in between, anything else...HATES BEING HIT ON. If any bartender tells you that they like it, then they’ve probably been bartending for about two weeks. Don’t do it while they’re working, don’t do it if you run into them at another bar on their off time, don’t do it if you see them at the gym...don’t do it, ever. The minute you hit on the bartender, they will never trust you again. Remember, when we are serving you drinks, we are working. We are getting paid to do a job. Our job is just like yours. We don’t want to be there. It’s not a party. We stay sober (in Oregon, at least), while you get to hang out and have drinks. We are on our 3rd or 4th cup of crappy black coffee, listening to drunk talk, while we’d rather be anywhere else. We have work to do, and part of that work is serving and talking to you. We also have to deal with very intoxicated people, angry people, people who are drinking because they are having a very bad day...it’s really hard not to absorb that negative energy. In addition to all that, bartending is gross. Below the eye-level of that wooden bar top are filthy floors, clogged sinks, dirty dishes and fruit flies. We aren’t even thinking about sexy scenarios. We are digging out used napkins shoved in a dirty glass with a wad of gum stuck to the side—with our bare fingers. In many ways, it’s the least sexy place a person can think of. If you just shoot your shot and ask for our phone number or to "hang out sometime," we will never trust you again. We will also make fun of you— unabashedly. The entire staff will know, as well as a good portion of the regulars. It’s awkward and embarrassing for everyone involved—especially you. Don’t do it.
If you see your bartender on Tinder, Grindr or any other crappy dating site, don’t swipe right. If you manage to be one of the few, select regulars we friend on Facebook, don’t be a creep. No "pokes," no weird "likes" on profile pics from years back, no creepy comments. Don’t message us when you’re drunk. You MAY message us to ask specific questions about the bar, such as, "Hey! Is the bar open on Christmas this year?" Never, "Hey! What are you doing after you get off work?" Consider any access to your bartender a privilege. Think of it as a work relationship. You wouldn’t send suggestive messages to your work colleague (hopefully)— same with your bartender. You are in a business relationship. We exchange goods for services. Treat it as such.
Step one to getting the bartender to like you is to figure out how to drink. Come in, have a few drinks, don’t get wasted and tip nicely. Never be too intoxicated. We want to be glad to see you walk in the door. Have a usual drink, that we can memorize and get for you quickly. Be a polite, easy person to talk to. Bonus points if you can make us laugh. Don’t be high maintenance and don’t bother other patrons. What is considered "high-maintenance?" If you need attention, constantly. If you’re yelling at my back, while I’m ringing things up in the register or helping someone else. If you’re shouting at me every time I walk past you. If you’re interrupting when I’m talking to someone else. This makes you a difficult patron—one we dread. If you feel yourself getting a little too tipsy, excuse yourself and go home or go to the next bar—whatever bar you don’t want to sleep with someone at. Often times, we know WAY too much about the people sitting at the bar, who we serve drinks to. Their job drama, relationship problems, money issues, etc. There’s something sexy about quiet dignity and enigma. We don’t get that very often and its those people that are the most intriguing. Smile. Be in a good mood. If you’re having a bad day, pick a different bar.
If you’re really serious about hooking up with the bartender of your affection, come in alone—always. You can’t trust that your drinking buddies won’t be annoying, get too drunk, say something unsavory, tip poorly or generally all-around suck while there. If they do any of the above, we will forever attach that crap behavior onto you. Birds of a feather—if your buddies suck, you suck. This is a risk you can’t be willing to take. Same with bringing in a date. Even if they are smoking hot, it will not make you look any better. You won’t make us jealous or make us want you more. If your date is high maintenance, a poor tipper or an all-around-shitty person, we’ll assume you’re petty. If your date is really sweet, we’ll be happy for you and stop looking at you. Your mission to bang the bartender is a solo one. Come in, sit at the bar and keep to yourself. Also, ditch the book—it’s cliché and looks pretentious. You’re not a Rhodes Scholar. You came to drink.
The worst customer is the one who won’t let you work. The one, that every time you’re in their proximity, they are trying to have a one-sided conversation. I don’t want to avoid walking by you. I have a job to do, and maybe even if I thought you were attractive, I have to do shit. I don’t want to make my co-worker go serve you because you are annoying as hell. No one wants to hang out with the alpha— I mean, not really. Many people confuse confidence with arrogance or egotistical tendencies. The latter are very unattractive. Don’t be that guy. Don’t be the dude whipping out the acoustic guitar at a party. Don’t be the girl who has Photoshopped herself to hell and back on Instagram, for invisible internet points. Just be a real person. All we do is deal with people. If you are fake, in any way, we will see right through it. If you play your cards right, I’ll come to you to chat. You’ll be the person I come to talk to, when everyone else sucks. You’ll be the one I come to hang out with, when no one else needs a drink. When I do come hang with you, have normal things to talk about—things like work, your pets, light anecdotes, good food you ate recently, travel plans, etc. Skip the awkward sex stories, drug benders and dudes you almost fought. Keep your volume at an inside-voice level and don’t feel the need to command the room to be the center of attention. Don’t stare. Creeps stare at the bartender and we notice. We can feel those needy, thirsty eyes on us and it’s not a good feeling. If you don’t need a drink or food, there is no need for eye xmag-contact. We want to view you as "cool." Not the coolest person in the room—just chill. That means no problems, with a slight air of intrigue. Leave us wanting more.
Good regulars get a lot of special treatment. It’s in your best interest to become one. Regulars enjoy free drinks, special privileges, drinks served before others, loyalty, and the ultimate, a VIP pass to possibly drink after-hours somewhere. Our regulars keep the lights on for our businesses, pay our bills and become our friends. As a bartender, I’ve shared holiday meals with regulars, had them help me move, shared birthdays, dinner parties, gotten rides and even been a pet sitter for them. I have a select few regulars that I’ll even call and hang out with on off nights, once in a while. Very few people make this cut. The barrier of the bar, between customer and the one tending it, is as physical as it is metaphorical. Bartenders are people too, and we do make real friends—and connections—while working behind the bar. My last two serious relationships were bar customers. Be someone I can give my phone number to. Be someone who I can ask for a ride from and know I’m safe—and that no funny business will occur. Be a receptive ear. We are low-key therapists—sometimes we want to talk about our personal lives, too. Sometimes, we are in unhappy relationships, have bad home lives—normal people struggles. Be a sympathetic ear right back. Just be COOL. It’s sad that it needs to be said, but apparently, it does.
Bottom line: if the bartender likes you, you will know. It won’t be a mystery. You’ll know, in the way that we invite you to hang out with us. You’ll know, in the way that we’ll compliment you. You’ll know, when we give you a cute nickname and we share a few inside jokes. You’ll know, in the way that we’ll ask you to put your number in our phone. We’ll comp your drink. We will worry, when we don’t see you for a while. We may contact you and make sure things are okay, when we don’t see you. We’ll pour your drink with special consideration, exactly how you like it. We will take extra special care of you. We’ll greet you with a genuine smile and ask how you’ve been. We’ll give you a hug—one that was unsolicited. We’ll reach across the bar and touch your hand. Let us initiate the conversation. Let us invite you to hangout outside of the bar. If you’re not into that, you won’t succeed. Banging the bartender is a long game. We are used to controlling every aspect of the bar, including you. It’s literally our job. Don’t shake it up and flex control—you will not win. If you can’t commit to it, you don’t want it badly enough.
If you hookup with the bartender, be prepared to never go to that bar again. That’s the price you will pay, so make sure your fixation is worth it. IF your hookup was successful—and, not serious—literally, the entire bar staff will know about it and they will be talking about it. That means, if it was good, bad or anywhere in between, we will joke about it until the end of time, and no one else on the staff will touch you with a ten foot pole. If the sex was bad, I feel especially sorry for you. You may not be able to go to any bar in that entire part of town, ever again. If it turns into more of a "thing," we don’t want you hanging out at the bar while we work. Once it’s done, we probably won’t serve you anymore. Forget about hitting on anyone else at that bar, or bringing in anyone else, either. There are exceptions, of course. For the most part, though, you trade the sex with the bartender for being able to still go to that bar, as long as they work there. Weigh the options. Don’t pick the bar right by your house. Don’t pick the bar that you and all your friends like to hang out at for happy hour. Don’t pick the bar you like to watch the game at. Don’t pick the bar you love the most. Choose wisely. May the odds be forever in your favor.
