When we think of the New Year’s Day celebration, we generally turn our thoughts toward drunken carousing and fireworks... or, possibly, grandiose ceremonies in New York’s Times Square, involving the lowering of a colossal sphere, to the drone of well-paid pseudo-celebrities’ cheerful banter. This is the custom in these here United States. But, in other countries, everyone has their own traditions—some of which date back to antiquity.
The following is a neatly ordered, quasi-alphabetical list of some of the traditions found in other parts of the world. Read and learn what curious customs you could possibly observe, next time the planet spins another 365 days—presuming you remember. In fact, to ensure that you do indeed remember, you should really cut this article out of this month’s Exotic and tack it to the wall in front of your toilet, so that you don’t forget, twelve months hence.
Afghanistan — As the New Year rings in, Afghanis drink a rich cocktail of fermented goat milk, as this is supposed to ward off evil spirits and PGMs. Additionally, it gets you mighty drunk, but also tastes mighty goaty.
American Samoa — Watching the latest movie starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is supposed to bring good fortune.
Argentina — Talking shit about the British and deciding how to further impress upon the world that the Falkland Islands belong to Argentina (even though they don’t and Argentina lost a war over this) is a year-round activity, but burning effigies of Margaret Thatcher is a solid New-Year-only activity, said to bring wealth.
Australia — It’s said to be the one day a year that a boomerang will not return to the thrower. Also, seeing a wombat on this day is supposed to bring good luck and ward off evil spirits.
Bahrain — They put up pictures of Michael Jackson on their doors. It is supposed to ward off child molesters and evil spirits.
Belgium — They do not celebrate New Year’s, but they do enjoy riotous festivities on noted comic book hero Tintin’s birthday on the 10th of January.
Brazil — The people of Brazil ritually crouch and hit punch repeatedly to electrify the air around them. It is said to ward off evil spirits.
Canada — The New Year’s beaver toss is a grand event, second only to the Christmas beaver toss, a week prior. It’s said to ward off evil spirits.
Chad — They clown on virgins from neighboring Cameroon. This is supposed to bring good fortune.
China — The Chinese wear their underpants inside-out and drape fake money from the "suicide nets" surrounding their workplaces. This is said to prevent ill fortune.
Christmas Island — Their deal has been over for a week. They’re sleeping.
Colombia — Festive candies, in the shape of a human nose, are passed out. This is supposed to ward off narcos.
Congo — They leave food on their doorsteps, for the terrible man-eating apes which populate the Congo. This is supposed to ward off evil spirits, who take the form of man-eating apes.
Cuba — Anyone caught not in line to receive their year’s supply of good fortune will be forced to stand in line for a year’s supply of evil spirits.
Denmark — They hurl Legos™ high into the air, to bring good fortune.
Dominican Republic — They make fun of Haiti, for good luck.
Egypt — There is many a sacrifice to Amun Ra, the King Of Gods, though my information may be a tad old on this.
Estonia — They eat seven meals for New Year’s. The idea being that if they eat seven meals, they’ll have a prosperous year. No word on what all-you-can-eat buffets count as.
Finland — They do something ridiculous, I’m sure. It may or may not have to do with fortune or evil spirits, and—what? They melt tin and drop it into a bucket of water, to see if the shape predicts good luck? Seriously? Finns...
France — They go on strike. To demand fewer evil spirits.
Germany — They throw their silverware onto the floor and count how long they can stand the disarray, before picking it up, polishing it and putting it back.
Greece — Anal sex. To ward off evil lack of anal sex.
Grenada — They beat each other with socks full of raw nutmegs, for really no good reason. I don’t even think they bothered to say "evil spirits."
Haiti — They perform voodoo rituals to ward off evil spirits, bring good fortune, add to their luck and preferably fuck over the people from the Dominican Republic, somehow.
Iceland — I forgot to research Iceland, but I’m pretty sure something’s getting pickled.
India — They challenge Ganesha to a fist fight and that motherfucker has four arms and holds a tusk broken off from his elephant head in one of them. It’s for good fortune.
Iran — They wanted a joyless theocracy and they got one. They do nothing.
Iraq — They jeer Iran and set off fireworks.
Ireland — They break out whiskey that tastes like fireworks, smells like good fortune and...wards off evil spirits?
Israel — Coming soon: Hanukkah II!
Italy — They make a special pasta that wards off good luck. They didn’t initially mean to do it that way, but now it’s a tradition, and Italians will be damned, if they don’t uphold a tradition.
Japan — They ring every bell in the country 108 times. Yes, one hundred and eight times. The belief is that this brings cleanliness and wards off evil spirits.
Kenya — Running. Also, more running...presumably from evil spirits.
Latvia — Celebration of Dr. Doom’s birthday.
Malta — Celebratory falconry.
Mexico — They blow up a cactus. Because, this is Mexico and shit’s real.
Mongolia — Throat singing. For good fortune.
Myanmar (Burma) — This Myanmar/Burma joke cannot be told, as it is a violation of FOSTA/SESTA.
Nepal — After thousands of years, the renowned sherpas of Nepal lead the also-renowned debt collectors of Nepal, up the highest, most dangerous mountains, in order to try and get five bucks in beer money back from the infamous Yeti.
New Zealand — Wait, there’s a new Zealand now?
North Korea — All citizens must receive a New Year Celebration Stamp on their wrists, which certifies that they are happy and prosperous. Dying of hunger, in line for the stamp, moves your corpse to the back of the line.
Oman — Oh, man. They ward off some serious evil spirits. Confusingly, it’s with a melon baller.
Panama — Until very recently, they burned effigies of George H. W. Bush, but now they’re just kinda mopey.
Papua New Guinea — They eat the traditional New Year’s dish, long pork, and pray to the gods to avoid kuru.
Peru — This one’s not even a joke. They, quite literally, get in fist fights with one another, so that they might start the New Year with a clean slate.
Philippines - They eat only round things, under the assumption that this brings wealth. I’m on board.
Poland — Eat only square things, under the assumption that this brings wealth. They are considering war against the Philippines.
Puerto Rico — They throw buckets of water out the windows as midnight tolls. Yep, you guessed it, to ward off evil spirits.
Romania — Having had Dracula as a government figure once, they hope evil spirits just kinda keep working out for them.
Russia — Vodka and grain spirits to provide fortune and keep evil spirits away. Oh, they also get naked and throw tree trunks into frozen lakes, while holding onto them.
Saudi Arabia — Translations were unclear, but I’m pretty sure someone’s getting beheaded.
Slovenia — Life is life. Life remains life.
South Africa — They throw old furniture out the window. Not for any particular reason, either. Want a chair, slightly used? TOO BAD, HERE COMES A CHAIR!
Spain - Okay, what the fuck, Spain? If you can eat 12 grapes at once, while midnight chimes, you’ll have good luck.
Sweden - The meatball toss gets out of hand for the, 622nd year in a row.
Switzerland — They drop ice cream on the floor. Yep. No foolin’. That’s the Swiss idea of cutting loose. YOU MADMEN! Turkey - The Turks consume 6 bowls of breakfast cereal, to bring good fortune.
United Kingdom — They used to have fireworks, but that’s now ilxmag-legal. Now, I think they file for a celebration license, drink a decent lager and cry while watching soccer.
Vatican City — Jus’ popin’ it.
Zimbabwe — They have a vote on what the party will be like every year, and then somehow, all the votes decide on fireworks, even though most of the people voted for a giant feast.
Happy New Year...and watch out for evil spirits.
