Dear single dudes in Portland, I’m glad I’m not one of you.
That being said, I’m here to help. I was you, once, and it sure is awful—especially in this city. The struggle is real. I see you thirsty bastards at Jones and Goodfoot, spinning lie after lie about yourself and trying your absolute damndest to make that overly practiced body language come off as genuine charisma. It’s pathetic. Especially if you don’t really...do anything.
Now, if you happen to be a musician, you definitely have a leg up, but that’s simply not enough—it never has been. Casually bringing up that you have band practice isn’t enough. You must look the part, walk the walk and talk the talk—with these five tips. Just like spandex, leather jackets and mile-high hair worked in the eighties. Just like gold chains and track suits worked in the nineties. You gotta fly your "I’m an artist" flag as loudly and obnoxiously as possible. Those get-ups aren’t gonna be the pussy magnets they used to be, so you gotta stay with the times. Follow these easy steps and you could even be portly with horn-rimmed glasses and still get that phone number. If you embrace this handy-dandy list, you just might not have such a lonesome, masturbation-filled Valentine’s Day.
Nothing says "I’m a damaged soul, who doesn’t know how to connect to people (or respect them or even demonstrate basic awareness of them), but I’m very deep and you wouldn’t know, unless you checked out my SoundCloud and read my obscure, vaguely poetic lyrics atop amateur fruity loops production that I’ll pretend to not take seriously (but, am secretly convinced it’s the most prolific movement in pop music since The Beatles, like wearing a pea coat in July). Beanies and scarves are also essential. An argyle sweater vest or cardigan is also appropriate. During the winter, you’ll find this much more comfortable (and, practical), but you gotta keep the look up all year long—even in those sweltering dog days. It shows how complex you are and how music is your only emotional outlet. You’ll be a puzzle to be solved.
To be clear, tattoos ONLY on the neck and wrist—nowhere else. And, by tattoos, I don’t mean a rose, an upside-down cross on your neck or some dumb Celtic rune on your wrist—I mean something that hints you are covered in some colorful, highly detailed art that takes up your entire torso and arms. It should look like this body-wide masterpiece is merely peaking out of your sleeves and up your collar. You don’t actually have to get the full body art, though. Hell, your neck and wrist tattoos can end at the collar and sleeve. It’s all about looking like you can take as much pain as you can dish out, by being emotionally unavailable. Catnip to the womenfolk!
Nothing is hotter than a broke artist. Nothing spells "dedication and passion," like pretending to buy the only guitar you can afford, until you can save up to buy something better. Gearheads are a thing of the past and bragging about the equipment you’ve invested in will do nothing to help your game. Rather, feign disinterest in the off-brand guitar you bought "just cause it looked cool," cover it in stickers and bang it around to make it look like you got it from a pawn shop. Lots of cheap pedals that just muck up your guitar tone are really key to the Portland Tortured Artist Look, too. Think the "just got out of bed" hairstyle of the early 2000s (that took forever to get right), but with your instruments. You’re almost there.
Toni Morrison, Alice Walker, Sylvia Plath, Edith Wharton, at least one of the Brontes, some Agatha Christie, Margaret Atwood (make sure you have Handmaid’s Tale), Anaís Nin, etc. You get the idea. Now that you’ve established that you’re distant, damaged and deep, you need to let your victim *cough* date know that you’re also very woke. You don’t actually have to read any of these books or know anything about the authors—just have the books lying around in plain view. Be sure to have one on you at all times, peaking precariously out of your pea coat pocket. Hold it open in front of you, like you’re reading it, in sight of a pretty woman you want to attract. You don’t actually have to be reading, just make sure they see the cover as you hold it up in front of your face (’cause that’s how people read). You need to know just enough about these authors to give vague and non-specific reasons why they are your "favorite." Eye on the prize, fuckboys *cough* sensitive, musician types.
Not just your favorite albums, but also the biggest "inspiration" for your guitar-based music, that sounds like a less-authentic Modest Mouse. Swear up and down that your favorite album is not only a rap album, but a rap album that a pasty, winter-clad lad such as yourself would not appear to be a fan of. Anything by Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg won’t be obscure enough. You also can’t go too weird, with Tribe Called Quest or CunninLynguists. The key is to catch them off guard. Talk about the genius of 2 Chainz and the intricacies of Chief Keef’s lyrics. Speak at length about the strong influence of Lil Wayne on your rock band, that sounds exactly like yet another mix of Elliott Smith and Joy Division. Ladies, form a queue.
Lads, with these five tips, you’ll be attracting a bevy of pretty women, just lining up to be the one to "fix you." Soon, you’ll be emotionally abusing all of them, while refusing to commit to a relationship—keeping them hanging on by a thread, while you balance the others with your dark, complicated ways. Remember to always talk about how you need your space!
Ladies, I wish I had similar advice for you to attract a mate this Valentine’s Day. Instead, might I suggest using the above list as a guide for exactly what to avoid?
Lads, ignore the above line.
Happy Valentine’s Day!!!
