Well, it’s February again. Let’s do this...
Apparently, there’s a place in the U.K. called Poundland, which, to someone not familiar with British Dollar Tree knockoffs, sounds like a male brothel (or, at the very least, the world’s most fabulous theme park geared toward adult men). So, when I heard that "Poundland is being protested for an adult V-Day product," I figured it was by some conservative, right-wing church, or perhaps a group of anti-gay bigots, angry over a pink double dong or something targeted towards non-traditional relationships. Boy, was I wrong—as I implied earlier, this is simply a dollar store, but it is currently under fire for selling "The Gift Of Nothing." Advertised as "Exactly what you asked for," this gift is simply an empty, heart-shaped package attached to a piece of cardboard—i.e., the epitome of traditional relationships.
Why are people losing their shit? Well, apparently this is damaging to the environment—i.e., it’s plastic that serves no purpose, other than to be "wasteful." I’m sorry, but if someone I was pretending to love until springtime decided to give me this for V-Day, I’d keep it forever! Don’t blame the makers of this gift—blame the ungrateful recipients of it, for throwing away such an honest and genuine gesture. Look at it this way; Valentine’s Day thrives off of insecure, materialistic people, who spend thousands on blood diamonds and dinners—the former of which involve dead African kids, while the latter ends up in the toilet or going "straight to [insert fatty body part that women get insecure about here]." Plastic gag gifts aren’t hurting the world—The Shane Company is. Fight me, Tom.
What’s X? Well, it’s not what DMX is planning on giving to you, nor are we talking about anything you have to solve for—rather, X is a new club coming to downtown Portland this February. I’m not sure how much I’m allowed to reveal about it in this column, but I will back up the team behind this new club. And, once the local industry staff finds out about the new spot, I anticipate a big buzz. Dancers, this is officially your chance to jump on board, before the secret is out. Text 503-444-1787 for scheduling information.
Portland is known for consistently bringing in internationally known and legit-famous performers from the adult industry, but this time, The Sunset Strip and Kit Kat Club are bringing in a fetish model who is known for swallowing swords—and, she’s a brunette. HOLY SHIT. Yes, please! Not only is feature fetish entertainer and sword swallower, Penny Poison, appearing in person at The Sunset Strip, but she’s doing so for two nights, with two shows per night—Thursday, February 14 and Friday, February 15. Then, on Saturday, February 16, Penny Poison will appear downtown Portland at Kit Kat Club.
What a perfect way to spend your Valentine’s Day weekend. Long-term relationship? Spice it up. First date? Test the waters to see how cool your new love interest is. Single? Duh...it’s The Sunset Strip and Kit Kat Club. I can’t see anything wrong with making this your Valentine’s Day evening(s), no matter who you are.
Ad slogan of the month goes to Rockwood Tavern—whose "Straight Outta Rockwood" motto is a great way to embrace neighborhood pride—is a brand-new, industry-friendly hangout (a full bar, with a full menu and lottery) that offers baby back rib specials on Friday and is located near the MAX line. This bar speaks to everything I love—ribs, risk-free, drunk-friendly transit and bartenders who won’t give you dirty looks, if you show up with a woman in fishnet tights before the sun goes down.
According to a new study, Facebook data is able to predict when you’re most likely to break up with your no-longer-significant other. While Spring Break takes the cake, Valentine’s Day is a close second and the time in-between these two dates is just as risky. So, why the hell are you worried about being single on V-Day? Oregon is the Strip Club Mecca of the world and Portland is the heart of it. Those of us not tied down to the wife, husband and/or kids can enjoy a variety of February fun, right here at home. Starting on Super Bowl Sunday (Club 205, Club Sinrock, Guilty Pleasures and The Venue will host parties for the game), and continuing all month, you can club hop from one fantastic event to the next. For instance, every Saturday night in February, Guilty Pleasures will be giving away prizes. Both Miss Exotic Oregon 2019, Taeya, and Miss Exotic Oregon 2018, Annie, are regular performers at the club, which now features a new menu and a three-and-a-half-hour-long happy hour. Did you happen to book multiple dates for Valentine’s Day? Take them to Stars Cabaret, whose locations are both hosting multi-day Valentine’s events. Got some cash burning in your pocket, but nothing burning in your bedroom? Swing by a Taboo location (spend $40 and get a free DVD), bounce over to Paradise Video and hit Adult Shop on the way back—porn shopping spree! Treat yo’ self.
Fridays in February, The Whiskey Club—one of downtown Portland’s newest, swankiest and most upscale clubs—will feature DJ Pussyfoot, DJ Dick Hennessy, Nik Sin and Maryjane as part of the "Goldmember" show. On Saturdays in February, Xpose will be hosting the same crew and theme, as part of the sequel, "Pussyfoot Powers: The Robot Who Shagged Me." Aside from being branded with the sure-to-satisfy DJ Dick Hennessy brand, these events feature Nik Sin as Mini Dick Hennessy in their ads. That’s why they get a write-up here—if you want your ads to get mentioned in this column, put Nik Sin in a costume. It’s literally free ad space—all you need to do is put a little person in a costume. Portland rules (take that in any context you wish)!
While I like to keep politics out of these pages, Comcast refuses to fund my firewall, so sometimes, some undesirable headlines slip through. However, this is one rare exception—government-related news that actually has a spark of happiness to it. Ladies, gents and whatever non-binary demographics are allowed in the south, the good people at Déjá Vu in Tennessee are offering jobs for those government employees affected by the shutdown. And, no, it’s not just a readerboard joke meme, i.e. "Now Hiring Class Of 2019." This shit made the actual news.
According to Newsweek, "Déjá Vu Showgirls of Nashville said that there were jobs for workers who have been without a paycheck for weeks in hosting, security staff and waiting positions. ’Déjá Vu offers a decent hourly wage—plus tips—for our host, security, and waitstaff positions. If you’re an employee who is temporarily out of work, don’t go without any longer!’ the club said in a statement."
Hey, Amazon—I don’t see your company offering up jobs to furloughed government employees! This is why I love the strip club industry; we take care of ourselves and others. While our government is arguing over building a wall, we’re busy building bridges, installing stripper poles on them and inviting in the recently disenfranchised, so that they may pay rent and feed their family. Tell me, again, how is our industry shady?
Speaking of good deeds done by performers, spooky staple and all-around fantastic dude, Jody Rose, reached out to Exotic regarding Gothic Burlesque 2, an event which features a ton of beautiful, talented and professional burlesque performers, while also serving to benefit a good charity. This goes down Sunday, February 10 at Star Theater. From the press release:
"Join (Jody Rose and others) for a night of Gothic Burlesque 2, at Star Theater on Sunday, February 10 at 8pm. All proceeds go toward creating a class that educates others in the community about trans healthcare education.
Jody Rose changed his gender in the 1990s, while he was writing letters to others in San Francisco, asking about doctor referrals and hormone therapy. Times have definitely changed since then, but more education is needed in this area of healthcare. This cause is close to his heart and he appreciates your support."
For the extremely low cover charge ($8 presale, $12 door), attendees not only support a great cause, but they get to see SassHole PDX, Megz Madrone, Screamvina, Izabelle Starling, Kiki LeMiau, Jupiter Sky, Hazel Greene, Miles Wilder, Belle and, of course, Jody Rose. I recognize at least a few of these names from Kit Kat Club, Sinferno and other well-respected venues for burlesque and stage performance, so I can vouch—this is going to be an excellent show. Plus, it’s goth-themed on a Sunday, so I’m going to assume it may be followed by a legendary dance night, but you’ll just have to show up to find out.
SUN 3—CLUB 205—STRIPPER BOWL SUPER BOWL PARTY
SUN 3—CLUB SINROCK—SUPER BOWL PARTY
SUN 3—GUILTY PLEASURES—STRIPPER BOWL W/ DJ PUSSYFOOT
SUN 3—THE VENUE—SUPER DAVE'S SUPER BOWL PARTY
SAT 9—HAWTHORNE STRIP—NAOMI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY
SUN 10—THE STAR THEATER—GOTHIC BURLESQUE 2
THU 14—DREAM ON SALOON—VALENTINE'S DAY PARTY
THU 14-FRI 15—THE SUNSET STRIP—FEATURE FETISH GIRL PENNY POISON
THU 14-SAT 16—STARS CABARET (BRIDGEPORT)—VALENTINE'S FANTASY WEEKEND
FRI 15—REVEAL LOUNGE—1-YEAR ANNIVERSARY PARTY
FRI 15—SCARLET LOUNGE—ANTI-VALENTINE'S 7 DEADLY SINS YOGA PARTY
SAT 16—KIT KAT CLUB—EATURE FETISH GIRL PENNY POISON
SAT 16—STARS CABARET (SALEM)—VALENTINE VAMPIRE PARTY
TUE 19—DEVILS POINT—FULL MOON BIRTHDAY PARTY
FRI 22—TOMMY'S TOO—DAISY DUKE CONTEST
SAT 23—CLUB SINROCK—1ST ANNUAL SINROCK GOLD PARTY
