Valentine’s Day leaves us all in a clamor to please our intentions—it’s an endless heap of stressful questions. Do you go classic, with heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and red roses? Do you go sexy, with unicorn horn dildos, edible underwear and pheromone snorting dust? The choices are limitless, and, yet, so easy to get wrong. Getting the wrong girl a fancy set of handcuffs could net you a prison sentence and a restraining order in this climate. Walking the line between socially aware and naughty is the key, these days, to charming your heart’s desire. Knowing your partner’s kinks and preferences is key, so, if you’ve only just met, keep it to a bottle of vodka and a glow-in-the-dark dong [ED: I recommend the fine folks at GlowFuckYourself.com for this very thing]. Things happen. If a date isn’t super solicitous about their proclivities, sometimes some nefarious habits can slip through. Things like being a junkie, believing in God or being vegan can really wilt an initial boner and dampen romantic fervor to a limp approximation of a phallus. Nevertheless, everyone deserves a gift and there’s a gift for everyone—especially if you want to bone them.
For the red state lady—the woman who has Paul Ryan’s shirtless calendar in her dining room—you need something truly special. Why not indulge her with a Donald Trump-brand dental dam? Do you want a wall between you and the puss? We’ve got the wall for you! Novelty brick printed—for irony and extra sensation (made in Mexico). For the dreadlocked, vegan manchild? Nothing. Why do you insist on seeing him? We know you’re really set on David, but good lord...he smells like weed and farts...and won’t stop talking about how much the suffering of other animals affects his sleep. If you really want to get him something he’ll treasure, buy him a poncho made entirely from recycled bus tickets and never call him again. The most efficient experimental green electricity is powered by human sorrow, and if you message him again, you’ll just make him stronger. Your libido can be indulged by almost anyone else. So, back up, friend.
Does your gender-fluid partner leave you perplexed? They can seem so innocent, and somehow, so dirty! Sure, you can do your best by getting a dual Fleshlight-dildo combination, if the occasion calls for it. But, why not go where the river flows and buy them an It’s Pat! Awkward Erotica Kit? We’ve never been totally clear on what’s actually in these, but we found one on eBay, so they definitely exist and we know you’ll get just as much fun from it—whether or not you’re Jack or Jill. It will almost certainly cause some level of offense, but that’s half the fun. And, if Pat doesn’t make you laugh, you’re a cold, dead monster inside. For your comedian boyfriend: give yourself a stack of cash. The fun thing about this one is that comedians already kind of hate capitalism, acquisition, themselves and pretty much everything else in the universe. So, finding a nihilistic, self-absorbed funny man is no big thing. Once you’ve nailed one down, just feed and abuse it now and then—it’ll work out great. Every Valentine’s Day, pay yourself a stipend from your stack of cash for tolerating their disposition. The great thing is they won’t even begrudge you for it.
If you’re looking to woo a single parent (or, are a single parent on the lookout for yourself), why not get something for the kids? Something like three months at a lower-middle-tier summer camp or enrollment to boarding school? There’s nothing like temporarily ridding yourself of parental obligations to make fucking your way through February a plausible scenario.
For the socially aware proselytizer that you are mysteriously interested in, there’s nothing that says, "I tolerate your opinions," better than ethically sourced, organic, fair-trade chocolates—infused with just enough drugs to dull the need to constantly talk about politics. It’s important to remember that there are some serious problems with any erotic gift. How can you guarantee that she’ll actually use it? How can you be sure he won’t report you? Just because someone consented to a conversation, doesn’t mean they want an erotic subscription box mailed to their work every month. Beyond a general recommendation to tread and plow cautiously in this climate, we have a good "gift for yourself" this year—it’s a treacherous landscape recently, so consider wearing a Go Pro 24/7. No one can accuse you of anything if you film every moment of your life, and it’s certainly a conversation starter! Having a camera strapped to your head at all times can make it weird and occasionally experimental—but, never worse. At least you can prove that wasn’t you puking up Valentine’s Day wine everywhere. The best romantic gift has always been—and, remains—a good, solid trip to Pound Town. Aside from whatever else happens on Valentine’s Day, that’s top priority. We’re 98% sure that there was an ancient Mesopotamian god, who spent time punishing people that didn’t debauch enough around this time of year. So, think positive and keep at it.
