Happy March, everyone! This month, we get an extra hour of sunlight, several fantastic events at the strip clubs and an excuse to drink on a Sunday, while appropriating a culture we supposedly hate for the rest of the year. Let’s dive right into it, shall we?
Last month, Oregon residents had the disappointment of being promised a solid six-to-eight inches for at least ten days in a row, only to be let down by two or three inches at best, for no longer than a few hours—and I’m just talking about Valentine’s Day! As far as the snow goes, it was even more of a news-realityversus- actual-reality shit show. Look, if you want snowstorms to arrive on time, stop naming them after strippers, okay? Maya, Nadia and Petra? Are you kidding me??? This is how you get a winter storm to show up well after she was scheduled, with a ton of white powder and zero heads-up from the people in charge.
So, with that said, feature fetish entertainer, Penny Poison, has been rescheduled from last month’s dates (thanks to the winter storm chaos), to perform this month at The Sunset Strip, Kit Kat Club and Dante’s. Check the dates at the end of this column—I’ll be lucky enough to join her at Sinferno on the 24th—so, come say hi to your Exotic editor and catch a kickass show, topped off with a touring fetish artist. Or, you could go to night church or something—it’s your Sunday, do what you want with it.
Polerotica is one of the big contests that Exotic is involved in, with Ink-N-Pink and Miss Exotic Oregon being two others that readers may be familiar with. Regarding Polerotica, this particular event focuses on, well, the pole. Entertainers are, as always, encouraged to spice up their sets with all the bells and whistles—literally and figuratively—that they would with any other competition set. However, having the ability to defy gravity and spin around like Elsa on cocaine is a plus. Are you the type of dancer who, when performing on stage, always ends up leaving your customers wondering whether or not you’re going to fall and break your neck? Have you, at least once in your career, spun around the stripper pole so fast, that it begins to wiggle back and forth like it’s a toothpick? Does the owner stop, begin to sweat and then sigh a breath of relief, whenever you’re showing off your skills for a busy crowd? Well, then, you should definitely consider signing up for Polerotica. The qualifier rounds start in April and the event continues through the end of May, so that only leaves you a few weeks to prepare. Go ahead and call/ text (503) 380-5800 or email Polerotica@ Xmag.com to sign up, or just show up to a qualifier round—dates and times will be listed on our website (Xmag.com) and Facebook page (Facebook.com/Xotic- Mag).
On the note of contests, it’s no surprise that EVERY SINGLE ONE turns out to be the subject of controversy. Whether we’re accused of colluding with Russian spies to rig the votes, smuggling extra voting beads in through rectal cavities or paying Dick Hennessy to sneak THC into Voodoo Donuts (in order to disadvantage dancers with low weed tolerance), each year produces a wonderful amount of conspiracy theories. The truth, however, is more controversial than fiction. What actually helps a dancer win an Exotic pageant? Merit, talent and drive.
Yes, I know, I’ve lost, like, half of Portland by suggesting that you can accomplish something if you’re good enough at it and focus on becoming better, but I’m also writing to a very unique demographic here, so let’s not pretend that Portland strippers share that much in common with the Portland hipsters, Portland protesters or Portland Winterhawks—you’re out to actually win. So, what can you do to increase those odds? Listen up, as I’ve been to these contests, every year, for over a decade, and I can promise you that the following three habits will only make your chances better, even if you think you have no shot at winning:
You’re an entertainer. And, like other entertainers, you need to get some open mics, bombed gigs and unexpected snafus under your belt, before you’ll be comfortable at the final rounds of a contest such as Polerotica. Even if your pole game is on point and your set is so good that you’re afraid to share it with other strippers, what if the venue doesn’t have the right type of stage setup? What if the DJ on shift doesn’t have a flash drive attachment? How about, say, a WINTER STORM warning arrives, and although the storm itself does not, the news channel hysteria ends up postponing the gig to a night when you’ve got a double shift and no babysitter? Forget about your dance routine in these situations, as it’s all about damage control. And, yes, every winner I’ve met throughout the years has encountered at least one "Fuck, my costume girl didn’t show up, I better find something else" scenario. Performing at multiple events, with the sole focus of practice and practice alone, is like going to the gym before competing in the Olympics—actually, it’s more like being allowed to compete in the Olympics, not place and still feel like a contender. In short, don’t try to make your first contest your best. Rather, use it as a forum to test the waters and get the first-day-at-anew- school awkwardness out of the way.
If you’re a dancer who works at a club not located in a one-horse town near Estacada, then you have no excuse to be without a fan base of supporters. Keep in mind, that back when this magazine was printed on newsprint, there were "Portland-famous" strippers who would network the shit out of their regulars and take their posse from gig to gig—year after year. Now, decades later, we have Instagram, Snapchat, Tinder (yes, you should be using this as a promotional tool), yadda yadda, etc. Get out there and make yourself known. And, if the digital landscape isn’t your thing, fucking network your customers in real life. Do you need business cards, shirts or a website? Email me (Ray@Xmag.com) and I’ll hook you up with a deal. Do you want to get your name out there? Show up to Exotic events and help out as an audience member or a judge (offer subject to some restrictions). The point here is, don’t make your attempt at a final round win the first time that your audience sees you. If, by the time the doors open, half of the room already knows who you are, you’re going to have a far better chance at winning than, say, a professional pole dancer who has spent the last few weeks avoiding social media and practicing her moves.
Thanks to the advent of flash drives and file compression, I have now obtained video footage of past Polerotica, Ink-NPink and Miss Exotic Oregon events. Check out the videos on our website and pay attention to what makes a good set—notice the pacing of the performances, the variety of pole tricks engaged in by competitors, the amount of time spent in various positions, etc. A good Polerotica final performance is similar to sex—you can’t just show up, topless in a ball gag and immediately ask for money—you have to start slow, working up to the leather and cash, with finesse. Well, okay, maybe that was a bad example, but no one here needs to know about how I receive my pay from Exotic. The point is, watch and learn.
I read an article the other week, about how NASA wants to make the first mission to Mars an all-female-astronaut adventure. No, they’re not pulling a Ghostbusters 2016 or White Lady Captain Marvel (yes, the original Captain Marvel was a black character named Monica Rambeau—talk about cultural appropriation and whitewashing). In reality, NASA is worried that, due to the length of the mission, they would be able to avoid sexual relations between crew members by stuffing the ship full of women-stronauts. You know, because women—especially those interested in typically masculine roles, such as science—living together in closed quarters for long periods of time, not only get along great (especially if they’ve never met), but there will be absolutely no sexual activity...end sarcasm here.
Sure, NASA could send an all-male crew to Mars, but that would be a sexist, misogynistic, racist, transphobic, problematic, anti-progressive agenda that would probably turn Mars into Hitler’s Germany. But, since this is an actual trek to the stars, and not a woke-ass Star Trek reboot, there needs to be at least one dude on the spaceship (for when one of the space tires goes flat or whatnot). So, what’s the solution? It’s simple—we send strippers (and other sex workers) to space.
Hear me out: the theory that sexual tension would arise between co-astronauts is valid. But, what if the tension was removed from the sexuality? What if, and I’m being totally serious here, we stocked up the Mars mission with a few dancers and at least one or two call girls, so that the rest of the crew can focus on important astronaut shit, like throwing around baseballs or eating dry ice cream? You know those ads we run, about taking a plane to somewhere remote like Guam or Alaska, making a fuck ton of money and coming home, after visiting an exotic paradise? Imagine if the options were Guam, Alaska and Mars. Sure, the trip would be a tad long and you’d have to buy enough dabs to last the whole journey, but imagine the pole tricks you could pull off in zero gravity! Think about it—you could even be a cam girl from the cosmos, earning those beep-ding-boop tokens from thousands of miles away. Plus, your clientele wouldn’t be a bunch of sleazy truckers, drug dealers and magazine editors. You’d be giving zero-gravity lap dances to the best and brightest.
All I’m saying, is that Space Force won’t be shit without a stripper pole. Whether or not you hate Trump or just moderately dislike the guy, you can’t disagree that this is pretty much our only sitting president that would approve of turning a space ship into a strip club. Fuck a wall—build a portable stripper stage for space. Why the fuck am I not in charge of the Department Of Good Ideas yet? I can’t promise our readers much, but I can tell you this: I will send at least one stripper to Mars before I die.
Until then, though, check out all the awesome events going down this month. We seriously have dozens of amazing parties, contests, pageants and other shenanigans going down in Portland for March, so take the time to leave your couch, now that the WINTER STORM is over. Remember Dv8? They’re back open. Have you heard about X? Well, they’re gonna give it to ya. Seriously, check out the events listed below—we’re stacked. Oh, and if you see me at Dante’s on St. Paddy’s Day, I’ll buy you a shot (maybe). But, if you touch me for not wearing green, I’ll beat that 1/16th Irish right out of you (or, I’ll pay a bouncer to do it for me, like a real man). Cheers.
SUN 3—DANTE’S—SINFERNO W/ HOST NIK SIN
FRI 8—GUILTY PLEASURES—MARDI GRAS CARNIVAL PARTY
FRI 8—REVEAL LOUNGE—XXX PORNSTAR NIKKI DELANO
SAT 9—XPOSE—XXX PORNSTAR NIKKI DELANO
SAT 9—CLUB SINROCK—JESSICA’S BIRTHDAY BASH
SAT 9—THE VENUE—5TH ANNUAL MISS T&A—OPENING NIGHT
SUN 10—CLUB ROUGE—MISS NUDE OREGON (9PM)
SUN 10—DANTE’S—SINFERNO W/ HOST JON DUTCH
FRI 15—X ULTRA LOUNGE—GRAND OPENING PARTY
SAT 16—DESIRE—5TH ANNUAL MISS T&A—ROUND 2
SUN 17—CLUB 205, DREAM ON SALOON, GUILTY PLEASURES
ST. PADDY’S PARTY
SUN 17—DANTE’S—SINFERNO W/ HOST RAY MCMILLIN
THU 21—STARS CABARET (BRIDGEPORT) —
PENTHOUSE PET KAYDEN KROSS
THU 21 & FRI 22—THE SUNSET STRIP—
FEATURE FETISH MODEL PENNY POISON
FRI 22—CLUB 205—STRIPPER CON—
COMIC HERO COSTUME PARTY
FRI 22—STARS CABARET (SALEM)—
PENTHOUSE PET KAYDEN KROSS
FRI 22—XPOSE—5TH ANNUAL MISS T&A—ROUND 3
SAT 23—KIT KAT CLUB—FEATURE FETISH MODEL PENNY POISON
SAT 23—STARS CABARET (BEND)—PENTHOUSE PET KAYDEN KROSS
SUN 24—DANTE’S—SINFERNO W/ FEATURE FETISH MODEL PENNY POISON
THU 28—CLUB SINROCK—DICK HENNESSY’S DOUBLE TROUBLE FOUR
FRI 29—SCARLET LOUNGE—DICK HENNESSY’S—4TH ANNUAL MARDI GRASS
FRI 29—TOMMY’S TOO—DAISY DUKE CONTEST
SUN 31—DANTE’S—SINFERNO W/ HOST JON DUTCH
