I love the northwest region of our fine country. So much, that I often forget where the borders are, when roaming about the forested regions of California, Oregon, Washington and OH FUCK, WE’RE IN IDAHO, DITCH THE WEED. No, really, ditch the bag, bruh.
Weed being legal in every state surrounding Utah and Idaho means that two of the most beautiful regions in this quadrant of the map are infested not only with scenic drives and great hiking, but also with cops named Jim Bob and Earl, who treat cannabis users like northbound slaves. How the hell do you think Utah is staying afloat, if Mormons have to panhandle on bikes and Salt Lake City doesn’t have a liquor tax? And, as far as Idaho is concerned, they’re famous for producing the same food item that is associated with Irish starvation and mentally challenged toy characters with leprosy. Do you think they care if CBD isn’t the same as THC? LMFAO, you’re going to jail for a roach.
Trust me. If, like me, you enjoy traveling to Colorado to enjoy the Rockies and women, just take an airplane or, god forbid, drive sober for sixteen hours. Don’t believe things are as bad as I’m claiming in this column? Well, here’s a few of the new, anti-stoner tactics being used by cops in our neighboring states.
Imagine driving down a lonely, rural highway in Utah, with nothing in sight for miles and miles. You’re enjoying some Miles Davis and a blunt—like any true American—soaking in the scenery and the lack of other cars on the road. All of a sudden, a flashing construction sign appears: "K-9 Drug Checkpoint, Two Miles Ahead, All Vehicles Subject To Search." Up ahead, a few hundred feet or less, appears a lonely, uninhabited exit. The sign says "no services," so you think it’s a perfect place to pull over, toss out your contraband and return to the freeway for the anticipated, upcoming drug checkpoint. However, there is no drug checkpoint up ahead. Upon coming to a stop sign, however, your vehicle is surrounded by cops and you are asked why you took the exit. Bam. You have just handed them two ounces of probable cause and a felony’s worth of blunt ash in the cupholder.
Listen up: if you see a sign that says "K-9 Drug Checkpoint Ahead," just keep driving. End of story. Of course, this doesn’t apply to international border crossings or places where you’d expect drug dogs to be roaming around. But, no, that rural highway in Utah that you’ve been on for hours without seeing another car is not being used as a bottleneck by the Drug Enforcement Agency. It is, however, being used by a few podunk, small-town cops, whose budget is just big enough for a construction sign with an LED screen.
If there’s one thing that out-of-state drivers from weed-legal places are known for, it’s the fact that their license plates scream "PULL ME OVER" to cops in every surrounding state. One such Colorado man is now suing the feds over being profiled, which is an expense that not many stoners can afford. But, the case itself is worth noting, due to the bullshit reason that the cop gave, which boiled down to "no one would ever consider using a rest stop."
According to Denver Post,
"Darien Roseen filed (a) federal lawsuit Wednesday in the District of Idaho, after he said he was unlawfully detained and searched for marijuana on the basis of his Colorado license plates. The (arresting) trooper rejected Roseen’s reason for getting off the highway—that he had to use the bathroom—and insisted that Roseen was attempting to avoid the state police."
And, yes, you guessed it—Roseen had no weed. The only reason he was pulled over, was due to his Colorado plates. If you’re wondering whether or not Roseen was a young black teen or possibly a hippie, driving a painted-up bus, you’re wrong. Not that such cases of profiling would be acceptable, but they’re at least common enough that readers wouldn’t be surprised. I’m not advocating for old white dudes to get a free pass, but let’s be real...when cops start profiling old, white dudes, no one is safe.
The head shop in downtown Salem sells these CBD cigarette packs, which look and feel exactly like a regular pack of squares, but they contain no tobacco, no nicotine and no THC—just hemp and a ton of CBD. "Yeah, I’m not addicted...I just smoke for my health." Goddamn, progress just keeps getting better. According to the guy at the store, these things are "technically legal," which is a phrase that is greatly admired by the cannabis industry (and the strip club industry, for that matter). But, before you go loading up on bath bombs, natural cigarettes and whatever else the fine people at CBD Industries, Inc. are churning out this week, know that, in the eyes of police who don’t reside in weed-legal states, cannabis is the same as hemp is the same as CBD is the same as narcotics.
Just this year, someone was popped by Idaho cops for transporting hemp. According to CNN,
"Idaho State Police says it seized 6,701 pounds of illicit marijuana from a truck passing through the state last month. The Colorado company that bought the plants in Oregon says it’s legal hemp. But, the truck driver caught in the middle is now facing felony marijuana trafficking charges."
So, even though the Idaho panhandle seems like a quick jaunt from one weed-legal state to another, it’s also Ku Klux Klan territory, so I don’t expect the local deputy "sharf" and his buddies take too kindly to the devil’s lettuce, in any form.
Thank god for small towns with no budget, otherwise it would be impossible to travel with any amount of anything, ever. According to High Times, the American Science & Engineering Company has devised a miniature version of the X-Ray gadgets used by the gropers at the airport and cancer doctors. No longer will Officer Boredom need a reason to "call the dog in" or peek around with his flashlight, because he has fucking superhero vision, right there in his pocket. Thankfully, this gadget is in its infancy, which translates as "very expensive," meaning that most departments won’t have this for a while. Sadly, "a while" in this day and age is usually around, oh, three weeks.
The only solution to this, of course, is wrapping your entire car in tin foil, which is reasonable in certain circumstances, but only if you’ve got "Burning Man Or Bust" written on the sides—which is an entirely different (but, equally dangerous) can of worms. In fact, you’re better off scribbling something about fluoride in the water, flat earth or anti-vaxer nonsense on your tin foil car, because some cops may be assholes, but no cop wants to deal with some Q-Anon, free inhabitant, Infowars-listening nutcase and they might just let you keep on driving, to avoid having a conversation with you.
