Polerotica Recap: Rounds 1-3
photos by Hypnox
Photos from the first three rounds of Polerotica 2019...
Photos from the first three rounds of Polerotica 2019...
They say a bartender acts as a therapist. So, I decided to make it official. My only credentials involve listening to hundreds upon hundreds of people discuss their problems, over more years than I can admit. Let me wipe the bar down for you, put down a fresh coaster and pour you a drink. Pull up your stool and tell me all about it—I’ve heard it all...
I have always been a nerdy stoner kid—now, I’m a nerdy stoner adult. When I was a kid, we were pretty poor and I didn’t have many friends, but my Mom always had two jobs and there were two times a year that she would make sure I got a special present. Every birthday and Christmas, she would go out of her way to get me what I really wanted: Air Jordans and video games. The Air Jordans were to help me get friends and the video games were for when the Air Jordans didn’t work. I am exactly the right age to have watched the video game industry go from an indistinct vague novelty market to a juggernaut of financial power. Video games are now a huge, multi-billion dollar industry and "nerd" is now the new "cool." I have played thousands of games over my life and currently have several hundred in my collection. So, here is my list of the best games ever made...
The short answer is a resounding "NO." But, that doesn’t mean we can’t live in a world where Rebecca Black can have a successful music career, where old school fans, such as myself, can revel in her novelty pop tunes. It’s hard to be taken seriously as a child star (and even harder to be taken seriously as a former child star). Some have managed and it involves careful social maneuvering. As a child star, you must embrace their cute, innocent and ultimately empty public persona, then ride it to the edge of puberty, before exploding into an inappropriately young sex symbol—seemingly overnight—to keep people looking at you...
Sometimes, people like Bob will say to me, "Hey, how you doing?" And, sometimes I reply, as other people have no doubt replied, "Well, I’m still here." Occasionally, I change it up and say, "Well, I still have my trousers." And, the reply doesn’t matter, because the original question didn’t matter. It’s just two people making pleasantries, making words come out of their mouths. Bob and I just stand there, half-perplexed, wondering what to say next. He probably wants to talk about his latest fucking tractor and I want to bitch about how much the latest Star Wars movie pissed me off...
There are lots of cute little phrases and rules of thumb (don’t look up the origins of that phrase, by the way) that apply to daily life. Little tidbits of usefulness, passed down via literature, folk wisdom and memes. However, certain mantras have actually manifested during my time as a strip club DJ, in literal form. Forget metaphors, this shit really happened...here are three such real-life, literal examples of folk-wisdom-turned-real...
We’re all familiar with such celebrity-branded products as the George Foreman Grill, Dr. Dre’s "Beats" headphones, Kanye West’s clothing line and pretty much everything Paul Newman ever ate. It’s not a new thing, nor is it necessarily a bad or good thing. Big George’s grill works pretty darn well and Kanye’s shirts are the epitome of conspicuous consumption, as intended. There are a lot of celebrities out there, though—ranging from the ultra-famous to the Z-list—and, corporate partnerships always need someone to capture the public eye. I intend to explore some of the lesser-known, celebrity-affiliated products out there, so let’s get started...
Spring is upon us and summer is fast approaching. It’s time again for our annual family barbecue. Every year, it’s the same—your cousin Joey ends up passed out in the bathroom, Grandpa finds someone to rant about Millennials to and your uncle Steve tries (again) to hit on your girlfriend. Why go back? Because, your family don’t fuck around when it comes to food. Here’s my best interpretation of what we’re pretty sure are the most delectable summer barbecue recipes from my own family’s summer gathering....
When I was young, stupid and literally emailing venues (cough bars), asking if my shitty band could play their fine establishment, I was struck by a hard dose of truth by a certain venue, which shall remain unnamed. On top of being short—damn near rude—to my inquiry, the lynchpin question was if anyone one in the band was under the age of twenty-one. As it were, all of the members of my dumb band at the time were under twenty-one. Boy, did that upset the booker of the venue (cough bar). I was told to not waste the time of the bar (cough venue)’s booker, that we can’t get X’s drawn on our hands, how we can’t "hang out in the kitchen until it’s time to play" and we should probably just play our "mom’s basement," where we can invite all our "high school friends." Only the drummer was in high school, by the way—the rest of us were in college...
Weed being legal in every state surrounding Utah and Idaho means that two of the most beautiful regions in this quadrant of the map are infested not only with scenic drives and great hiking, but also with cops named Jim Bob and Earl, who treat cannabis users like northbound slaves. How the hell do you think Utah is staying afloat, if Mormons have to panhandle on bikes and Salt Lake City doesn’t have a liquor tax? And, as far as Idaho is concerned, they’re famous for producing the same food item that is associated with Irish starvation and mentally challenged toy characters with leprosy. Do you think they care if CBD isn’t the same as THC? LMFAO, you’re going to jail for a roach...
